Maybe I should be in piecing part 4?

[Hope4us]

Hi everyone. Hope Thanksgiving was full of good food and good times.

Just got some ramblings to get out. Hang with me.

Yesterday was good. W busted her butt making an awesome meal. So much food we could have fed an army, but it was just W, S16 and myself. S20 wanted to go to our hometown to spend time with "friends" but when I dug a little deeper the real reason is this one particular "friend" from school was going to be there visiting her grandparents.

I offered to help W with anything she needed, but she wanted to do it all herself. She did ask for help getting everything on the table and carving the bird, but that was it. After dinner, we took the necessary naps and then spent the rest of the day watching football and a couple of movies.

But W was kind of quiet. She was talkative and laughing/joking etc while making dinnner and still while eating, but after the nap she got quiet and did her sinking down into the couch move that she seems to do when she is deep in thought or feeling down. I had a couple of glasses of wine during the evening while we all watched the movies and I asked W if she wanted a glass and it was like she really wanted one, but just wouldn't let herself. S16 and I were laughing all along and W would laugh, but you could tell she was down some.

WDID, Break, help me out here. Was she down because the weight of it all was hitting her? Did the family thanksgiving dinner get in her head? And one other thing. We've been planning on going to my mom's on Sunday and W has been talking like she's going for the last month. Well, last evening S16 asked me what time we were going to leave and then asked W if she was going and she just shrugged her shoulders. This kind of pisses me off. She's been talking like she's going and my mom and family have all been saying how good it will be to see her since she's only seen my mom in almost 16 months. And now she doesn't know if she's going or not?

I mean, I get that she's really reluctant to face my brother/SIL since they are the only one's in the family to know about her A, but if she's truly moving forward with this, she's going to have to "man up" at some point. And if she doesn't go, then S16 and myself are going to be put in a bad situation again when my family all asks where W is. Lie to them AGAIN. And that really bothers S16. Lying to cover up for his Mom. But if he told the truth, I'm almost sure it would end any chance we have.

So, what do I say to her if she doesn't want to go? If it was just me, understanding how she must feel, I can handle it, but S16, that's a different story. And I absolutely FRICKIN hate that she puts him in these situations because SHE feels bad/guilty, whatever. It's stil all about HER and how everything makes HER feel. No feelings about how this has affected me, our kids, OM's W and kids, our friends, NO ONE but herself. And that's what I've been struggling with the last few days.

I love her, but why? Has she always been this self centered and I just never noticed it because I was in my own fog? Has this affair shown her true self and I've just been deluding myself all along? How can our marriage move forward when she still refuses to show me any sign of remorse for what she's done and still acts like everything is about her?

I know this may sound contridictory with my note to her earlier this week. I guess it's just the rollercoaster of emotions we all go through.