Lovely Julia. You are such a sweet sensitive person it shows through your posts. I cant believe its taken me so long to find you!
I like your idea of allotted time slots to think about H - that's good advice for everyone.
The car thing makes a lot more sense now. It is totally natural for that to hurt - and isn't it weird how the 'insignificant' things bring the strongest emotional reactions, but I can be so calm during the major issues.
You know what - I think you should buy yourself a car! And if that's not what you want, then you should be happy because think of all the money that you can spend on shoes and handbags instead of paying off a car! But if you want a car, and you want to learn to drive that would be a really cool independent thing to do!
My little sister taught me the best lesson about boundaries, and it so simple I couldn't believe that I had missed it, when it was so obvious to her. I think it might help you learn how to 'train' a man. So I'd love to share it with you.
The secret is that your attention is the reward for good behaviour. If BOY is being good and doing nice things GIRL is so attentive and complimentary and fun to be around. If BOY is being bad, GIRL is unavailable. GIRL is NOT moody or cranky, she just removes herself from BOY, so that he misses out on her wonderful attention. When GIRL decides that she would like to see BOY it's not big deal, there is no big RELATIONSHIP talk. Simple huh?
Honestly you should see how the guys fall over my sister. After one of these incidents where my sister ignored BOY for a few hours and stayed with a friend and made out that she was having a fantastic time. BOY cleaned her car, took her out for dinner, and promised that he would never do the bad thing again!!
The trick is how do we do this in our situations. I think the first key is that you have to make your attention really good, something that H would actually enjoy interacting with. But also let him know that he is missing out on being with you (cause lets face it he is!).
Can you accept that your H is stuck and he doesnt know the best way to respond to your email? Can you accept that the wonderful man that you married no longer appears to exist in this moment? (Remember you dont have to like it, but I know you are going to survive and have a great life, even if those two questions are true)
I'm so glad you liked the text! I had no idea that you would use it. EEK! I'd follow it up with a text that you are going to buy yourself a sexy sports car next year! Or that you are so glad you H is going to take care of it so that you can spend more money on overseas travel etc!
A 180 for me (super organised, efficient, control freak, responsible) is to act 'dumb' sometimes, and make H do the work because I'm being so carefree and irresponsible these days! Mwhahahah (evil laugh!) H has paid my health insurance for over a year because 'oops! I keep forgetting to get that changed into my name; too busy having fun to worry about responsible things like health insurance'!
