Another one joins the flock (III)

[Punktmann]

Mike, This stinks, I know.

I'm gonna call you out a little here, you're doing the right thing, but for the wrong reasons.

We don't walk off the field b/c we're pissed at the other team who we've decided are a bunch of dodo-heads, we walk off b/c the other team is cheating, cheating is wrong, and we're not going to be a part of that.

There is a difference, and it is an important one.

Been lied to, lied about, cheated on, stolen from, stabbed in the back, had your kids screwed over? You have every right to have a righteous anger about that. But you can't allow your anger to dictate your decisions, b/c they will not be in anyone's best interest, least of all the kids.

The decisions should come from a place where your kids come first, are they having fun, are they feeling good, are they feeling secure and loved, are they able to keep socializing well?

I doubt living with another man things are going well for them emotionally.

Like I said, I don't believe your actions are wrong, but the reasons. This is important b/c your next moves might not be the best for your kids since they sound motivated by anger, indignation, and lashing back out, and those reasons will not lead to decisions that put your kids first.

Read "Tough Love," by James Dobson. It doesn't matter if you're secular or religious, this book will explain a lot about how and more importantly WHY to call the cheating spouse on the carpet by filing for divorce.

Pay special attention to what he says about losing, or regaining the respect of the spouse.


Where I'm ultimately going with this is that walking off the field from anger means the you most likely are closing the door to reconciliation out of anger as well. Uh, Not cool for the kids. They will FOREVER want you to reconcile, so badly that it affects their ability to form attachments later in life.

Walking off the field from the stance that "you are doing wrong, I won't allow it, but you can come home if you will stop this," leaves the door open for reconciliation, (think kids,) and shows a backbone that (re)generates respect. Respect is the foundation that love is built on. You can't love someone you don't respect.

This leads me to,

I've come to realize that what W has done is NOT due to anything I did or did not do and that people telling me that I "MUST HAVE contributed to the situation somehow" are full of manure. Nothing I did or did not do justified W's decision to abandon her family and commit adultery in the quest for a lifestyle to which she believes she is entitled.

Really.

You are right AND wrong. Nothing you did justifies her actions, that's what marriage means, for better or for worse.

But most likely, at some point, something you did or did not do had an effect in how she felt about you. None of us are perfect.

I'll misquote another poster here.

At first, fearful and guilty, I thought this was all my fault. Then, angry, I thought this was all her fault. Later, I finally came to the realization that while I had some faults and contributed to the early problems, this divorce was her decision and responsibility.

If I could post my email address, I'd mail you my copy of that book for free. It's that important. It sounds like you're early enough to make your decision work, if the future ones are based on the right reasons.


Best wishes,

Punkt