Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

I know that I freaked out a bit last night at an email that many people would kill to receive. I've been thinking about this, and I want to explain a little bit more...

I've been in the house with H for 3 weeks now, and things have been consistently positive. We have made a large purchase together, talked about bringing home another pet etc. There has been limited physical affection, but it's increasing, even from his side. He has been complimenting me every now and then, and seriously acting like he is in love with me again. So given all this, I guess I expected that when H broke the R silence, it would be purely positive and not an email peppered with caveats about not taking things for granted and not making assumptions. I was also a bit disappointed that he sent an email, knowing I would be out with my friends when I received it, instead of just having a real conversation. It took me back to those dark days in Poland where he sent guilt-ridden emails on a semi-regular basis. He would usually send them at night from class (just like last night). So instead of taking the 2 big positives from his email, 1) that he has made the decision to try and 2) that it is nice being together, I focused on the uncertainty. It just doesn't reflect his actions and attitude around me, so I felt like I was being lied to either in his actions or in this email. I still think he is confused, and I know I need to be more patient...confused and trying is loads better than confused and saying we need a D.

So I don't actually think it was such a terrible thing that I asked him about MC in a followup email. His response was OK and that he would do this in the New Year. I won't ask again, but it was something that we had been discussing previously and had been on the table. The ILY email I sent was dreadful. I said "ILY, I want to go on a vacation with you, I want to go to counseling and have a fresh start." I meant all of those things, but it wasn't the time to say them. I think I've felt stifled for the past several weeks so as soon as I got an opportunity to speak openly, I jumped on it. I think I managed to extricate myself from the bad email chain though by just saying that I would try to be more mindful of his space and of going slow. I also said, in response to his email that said I should take this as positive news the way it was intended, that I knew he was right and that I looked forward to doing the work of trying and of learning to communicate together better.

When H came home last night, all was fine. It was not even slightly tense, and he did not avoid me, nor I him. In bed he once again was a little bit affectionate, stroking my stomach. He also put his leg over me for a bit. Throughout the night and morning he would move closer putting his arm on mine.

Ali if you're reading this, do you think that his sudden need to express himself had to do with any planetary changes? Didn't Uranus go direct yesterday?

Thanks all for keeping me a little bit grounded, and Lisa a special thanks again for saying that this was positive news and that you were surprised I wasn't taking it as such. I think the more we get, the closer we get to the end goal, the harder it becomes to go slow. It feels like we are reconciled already, and when I get these reminders that we aren't actually there yet, they hit like a ton of bricks...

ITH