I think the desire to be loving in an unconditional way to your wife is a great goal. For all of us who have suffered great hurt through the betrayal or abandonment of another, finding our way back to the goodness inside of us is an important part of our healing.
But Frank, this takes time. And to be honest, I think you still are in the midst of great sadness and hurt because of your wife's choices. That makes it incredibly difficult for you to be "the good guy" to your wife without coming across as strained.
Yes, after a lot of thinking about it I realize that I do need to distance myself for now. I can be friendly, but being any more than that is toxic to my attitude.
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Do you want your wife to help decorate the house? Of course you do. But you want her to do it as a part of being PART of the family and marriage. And this part she has forsaken.
agreed. I talked to her stepmom who said 'Absolutely not, she gave up those privileges when she left the house'. What was more annoying to me was that W ASSUMED she could just do this.
So, I am planning to decorate the house with the Girls on Sunday night. My house.
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I guess if we're going to err, we should err on the side of grace, eh Frank? Just keep in mind that YOUR health and well being are considerations here as well. Your situation right now is one of determining what life apart is going to look like. I hope you will not make decisions based upon their potential positive impact on the future between the two of you, but instead on doing what is right and what leads you and your daughters to a more stable and emotionally healthy life together.
I came to the same conclusion today. I need to 'act as if'. Which means 'act as if she is getting the divorce she says she needs'. The thing is that I feel bad that she doesn't have her own place to 'decorate'. But the reason for that is because she had 3 affairs in the past 3 years, she forced me to make her leave the house, and she did nothing from January till now to improve her financials after she said 'I have to be divorced'.
As D17 said the other day "Mom, you don't live here any more so when you are here you're a guest so act like one".
My problem has been that I don't push her enough. I let her do 'things' when she is here that she would normally do.
That has to end. She assumes she can do whatever she wants on the days she is here at the house with the girls.
