Breakaway, sorry to hijack your thread, but peace2u said you've been a great help in reference to her sitch in responding to my sitch. If you have a chance, would you be willing to taking a look at mine and beating me over the head with a 2X4 so I might be better at all this? Thanks!
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I just want to say....I am here....we all have this feeling you are having from time to time...I have sat on the floor before crying asking god the same thing.....it WILL pass....
H 34 W 31 M 11yrs D 11 D 9
6-1-08 I wanted to fix marriage 6-11-08 I found out about OM
I was so upset last Friday and after showing such strength for 3 weeks I called H. He came straight out to my shop - Which i had closed.
1. He held me for 1 hour, kissed me. 2. He talked using words we and us 3. When i said how much weight I had lost he said ( his new friend - SHE lost 20kilo and went down to 47 kg ) why would i care, why would he tell me. 4. He said she was just good company !!!!!! 5. He told me to e careful as I was vulnerable for other men 6.He said no rash decsions over assets 7. He said lets see how we are when you get back on your feet 8. He said one of his business assoc could not believe we were split as he knew H loved me so much. H said to him well you left your first W and friend said but I did not love her, I love my 2nd wife like you love your W. Why tell me this ???? 9. He wanted sex but then could not Ejac. ????? 10. he said he wold like me to contact OM and break up his M. not to have sex with him though and then leave him so that h knows what it is like.?????????
where is his head. Is he all drama Is he punishing Has he really gone
IMO if your H was done he would not have bothered with his time to come to your side and console you in your time of pain.
IMO your H does not have the relationship with OW that he has and IMO still wants with you.
IMO your H reacts out of his own pain and anger over what has happened between the two of you when he treats you cold and speaks of a permanent break-up.
IMO any contact with the other man and his wife would be wrong. Let it stay in the past and be done with it. It will not fix the problem between you and H and it will hurt the OM's wife. She doesn't deserve that. Leave it be.
You need to keep working on GAL and PMA. Let your H keep seeing you in a positive light and please continue patience for him, this takes a lot of time. Your H still has feelings for you, you need to nurture them with tenderness and consistency. Do not do anything negative right now, it will be many steps in the worng direction. When we take 2 steps forward it is good, for some reason that is always followed by ten steps backwards and it is a long road to regain the twelve steps back to the good, do I make sense?
I think you have not lost H, keep the faith my friend....
This won't be easy, we all have told you this....stay on course and try not to backslide....pause before you react and breathe. I have told you before your H is watching you very carefully. Give him a sight he will enjoy and want.
Your H is confused, help him straighten out his confusion by being a vision he wants to come home to.
Please take good care of yourself,
Sanderika
ME48/H48MLC T 33y M 28y S16 OW 8/7/05 Bomb 8/16/05 Sep 9/05 H f'd D 10/3/08 D pp'd 1/20/09,7/24/09,12/4/09 D dismissed 2/5/10 H served me D papers again 9/4/10 D dismissed 9/26/11
Where your husband is now,is where you want him.Confused and not knowing what he wants. Now you have to show him what he has with you and why he should stay with you.Think of things from the past and what made him happy.Let him figure out his thoughts and once he does you will know whatever decision he makes it will be on he made. He dos love you you can tell by his actions just give him little things here and there and give him things to wonder about
Okay, I'm going to have to disagree a bit with some of the other posters...
First off, you're an Ozzie gal, right, so take this in the spirit in which it's meant...
HARDEN THE F@CK UP!!!
You've got to start by getting a hold of yourself! He is not going to vanish into thin air. He's still around, you have a biz together...IOW you have time time time to get this crap worked out.
IMHO he is not "confused"...he is using this entire opportunity to hurt you and OM and OM's wife, and he's probably going to hurt his OW pretty badly too by the time he's done. Because he's hurt. Well stuff him.
He's not coming to comfort you, again this is my opinion...he's coming to bask in you crying over him. He probably feels like g-ddamn Superman while he's "comforting" you.
This sitch is entirely destructive and sick...this guy having an OW and still trying to get some kind of revenge against OM. Geez, you'd think they could just have a fist fight and have it be done.
I believe you need to get back into serious counseling and go dark on this guy until you have your head on straight. His clearly isn't. Right now the two of you seem equally embroiled in jealousy and possessiveness and emotional control, not love.
What do you love about him? What? The fact that you've been together since you were 16? You are going crazy from rejection right now...which is definitely the worst feeling in the world, don't get me wrong...but if you can step outside yourself for five minutes...past the rejection...what is it you can't lose? What are you so afraid of?
You can live without him...that's the first thing you need to get straight before you can think about living WITH him again. Please stop letting him shite all over you and call it comfort.
My favorite quote on earth is from The Outlaw Josey Wales..."don't piss down my back and tell me it's raining."
Ok I hope there are still feelings with H but gut is saying NO feelings.
Today i had to go into the business to do some books and look at an offer we have recieved for flats. H wants me to seriously consider.
The following came out in conversation
1. He likes OW company - no sex and if there was it would just be using her. He wouls have to much trouble trusting again to love again.
2. He will not confront OM until I move out of the area or if I go to be friends with OM again
3. He thinks possibly by going out and having fun ie sex he might realise that it is not what he wants
4. Wants me completely out of the business as he has no drive when he knows i stand to gain from his work.
5. Says he has horrible feelings when I am around nd feels good when i am not. although today he says he felt good
6. He hugged me and kissed me - a peck.
7. Said he would rather have sex with me than the OW right now.
I was fairly strong, did not whine .I looked good but I did talk about R. Said that it hurt when he spoke of other woman and he said well why was it ok for me to go and have an A and not good enough for her......
I said that I gave up the OM for him , he said but you did not because you lied for 3 years and that where all the pain was done.
He said go fix yourself and then you might realise I am not for you and I might see the new you and want you again.
He seemed pleased that I had made plans to go out etc.
I recognise the feelings in him. When I was seeing OM i just wanted H to leave and get out of my face. Go find someone etc etc but when the A was discovered , I did a complete change.
I know the answer is to get out there and become the independant woman but at the moment I want H more.
Thoughts anyone. Do i ontinue minimal contact etc but avoid R talk. He hates me coming to his work , so how do i be with him with good feelings.
He also said the no contact was helping him heal. Is this good or is he healing in a way that puts more distance between us ?
what am I afraid of ?
Not being a complete family Never having someone who cares someone to take an interest in me. Having hassles with new spouses etc Feeling like his forever Rushing out an going into an inappropriate relationship just to get past these feelings Never eating again
hmm it is several hours since I left H work and he rang me at mine. First time in a few weeks. He talked a bit . told me something that could of waited. Asked how i was feeling. I said low and sad ( he could probably tell ). He said he could not understand why and then he asked again
Why was it ok for me to have sex in an A and not him. I said it was not ok for me ever to do that.
Ok I hope there are still feelings with H but gut is saying NO feelings.
As you once had NO feelings for him, but that changed.
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1. He likes OW company - no sex and if there was it would just be using her. He wouls have to much trouble trusting again to love again.
Who knows if any of that is true...
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2. He will not confront OM until I move out of the area or if I go to be friends with OM again
Again, what is served by this?
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3. He thinks possibly by going out and having fun ie sex he might realise that it is not what he wants
Keeping you on a string kind of talk
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4. Wants me completely out of the business as he has no drive when he knows i stand to gain from his work.
"Blaming the victim" and completely self serving and suspicious
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5. Says he has horrible feelings when I am around nd feels good when i am not. although today he says he felt good
That's not confusing or anything...doublespeak and mixed signals = punishing you yet keeping you on a string
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6. He hugged me and kissed me - a peck.
mixed signals, keeping you on a string
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7. Said he would rather have sex with me than the OW right now.
unbelievably mixed signals and GIGANTIC string keeping
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I was fairly strong, did not whine .I looked good but I did talk about R. Said that it hurt when he spoke of other woman and he said well why was it ok for me to go and have an A and not good enough for her......
Childish, punishing, abusive and nonsensical statement by him...STOP talking about the R. That's one of the DB commandments, right? Stop it.
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I said that I gave up the OM for him , he said but you did not because you lied for 3 years and that where all the pain was done.
Clearly this is still and always going to be his issue until he does something CONSTRUCTIVE not DESTRUCTIVE about it.
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He said go fix yourself and then you might realise I am not for you and I might see the new you and want you again.
This is emotional abuse, M. Plain and simple. Fix yourself and maybe you'll be worth loving??? Screw him. Maybe when you fix yourself you won't be interested...has he thought of that?
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He seemed pleased that I had made plans to go out etc.
whatever...just guilt relief.
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I recognise the feelings in him. When I was seeing OM i just wanted H to leave and get out of my face. Go find someone etc etc but when the A was discovered , I did a complete change.
It sounds to me like he wants you like this.
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I know the answer is to get out there and become the independant woman but at the moment I want H more.
If you want him then roll up your sleeves and DB.
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Thoughts anyone. Do i ontinue minimal contact etc but avoid R talk. He hates me coming to his work , so how do i be with him with good feelings.
Read the stuff on 180's. STOP R TALK.
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He also said the no contact was helping him heal. Is this good or is he healing in a way that puts more distance between us ?
Healing is healing and you cannot and should not try to control another person's healing. You can't say heal but don't put distance between us. IMO you are the one that needs some distance from HIM anyway. And I don't see how you two have "no contact"? It sounds like if you are upset you tell him and he comes running and you have emotional and confused, contradictory convos that don't solve anything.
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what am I afraid of ?
Not being a complete family Never having someone who cares someone to take an interest in me. Having hassles with new spouses etc Feeling like his forever Rushing out an going into an inappropriate relationship just to get past these feelings Never eating again
What I hear is that you are mostly afraid of being alone. I hear you saying you want "someone" more than you want him per se...is that possible?
