I'm SO GLAD to hear what's going on in your life! Sigh... i wish I could get kissed in a car in the rain. It might not look like it from within, but I see movement in your situation.
It means a lot to me that you put so much thought into answering my questions. Can I reflect??
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How do I know if its because my expectations are too high, or if it simply is that he's not that into me and therefore not making an effort??? I would LOVE to answer this question - I think its the root problem of our Relationship from Day 1.
The impression I get, from your thread, is DEFINITELY that he is into you and making an effort. It is just seems to be a cautious effort... probably because the stakes are SO high, and he is probably really scared, and maybe confused about what you want! Which is understandable, because you say on your thread that YOU are confused about what you want too! (like when you said you weren't sure if H is a good life partner for you). I mean, that totally romantic evening where he took that out to the special concert? And then even little things how he drove you to your car. Maybe he just needs more "encouragement"... like how you touched his arm to make it "safe" for him to kiss you. And/or encouragement in terms of celebrating what he does, like being complementary about the restaurant. I MIGHT EVEN TRY CONTACTING HIM MORE FREQUENTLY. Is it possible he is waiting for you to initiate every time? (Might be projecting here)
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In an attempt to answer your questions (so tricky) I feel like he is broken, or stuck, not happy, and that he cant think of solutions, so I mother him by coming up with solutions. To be honest I did this all the time in our R, but I havent done it since we separated. He often looks to me to tell him what to do (in regards to work, relationships, leisure, his life!) I dont want to do this again. I want someone who can identify what's not working in their life and then make a plan and fix it. It worries me that he is still not taking responsibility for the things in his life that he doesnt strive for things that would make him happy. But I'm open to the possibility that I'm being judgemental and that its only because he does things differently to me. But he does seem unhappy (at least he cant blame that on me anymore!)
Well, I have definitely been guilty of this myself... not being happy and not taking steps to fix my life. Can I tell you a story? I have a really good friend who was dating a guy who was SUPER irresponsible (she had to call him to make sure he got up in the morning) and a terrible alcoholic. She hated having to "take care of him." She broke up with him and over a year he started to get his act together and made a lot of major changes his life. A couple years later they got married and now they are totally happy. I am sure your H is just as capable as making these changes. Can you be more specific about what these changes are? What, other than mothering, in the past, has encouraged him to make these changes? Is it possible he is suffering from depression? It is probably also really hard for him to be apart from you. And I bet he doesn't have the same support that you do... on the BB and in RL!
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Inegrity - you know its doing the right thing even when its the hard choice. I'd like to see H be honest. I'd like him to do things that would make it safer for me to trust him. I'd like him to follow through on his promises. Its not that he's not doing it now, our interactions are so limited - but he hasnt in the past.
Hmm... these are all very general attributes. can you think of a baby step example in each of these categories?
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He looks awful - he's put on a lot of weight this last year. Well not awful, but not as handsome as he used to look!
What is it with these guys? We get hotter and hotter, and they just get hairier and more confused!!
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Last night we had our date. Very nice. I'm so careful to compliment any decisions he makes, instead of being the control freak I used to be! Anyway dinner was really nice.
LOVE IT!! (as a fellow restaurant choice control freak [in recovery])
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He hugged me and put his arm around my waist to guide me to the table (scored points for that).
Maybe you should say things like, "I LOVE IT when you put your arm around my waist!" (with a big loving smile and a squeeze)
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I talked lots about all the fun things I've got planned - I'm not sure if this strategy is working, but I dont know what else to do?
Dammmn so confusing! I dont understand him! Maybe its OK that we are just connecting as lovers again - clearly there is good chemistry between us. The hardest part is that it seems to only be OK as long as I keep everything light and happy. I guess I'm scared of anything deeper - partly because of my own feelings, and partly cause I dont want to be hurt again.
What are your suggestions to opening him up a bit more?
This reminds me a little bit of my own situation. What has worked for me is to bring up "heavy topics" in my own life that have NOTHING to do with the R. Like I told B about the memorial concert for a friend of mine who had died, and later that same conversation he started talking about how he and I had similar dreams, and how a movie I had recommended to him had made him cry. I don't know if the two are related, but I think me bringing up emotional stuff that is not R-related made him feel safe to be more vulnerable with me. Have you tried this yet?
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I want to know where he sees the relationship heading. Am I just scared of not being in control? I dont know if I'm OK to just seem him once every 3-4 weeks and talk on the phone every second week. I do want more from a relationship.
Of course!!! But I am not sure he knows where it is heading, any more than you do. I think we have to have different criteria here... not the same criteria we would have if we met someone new and flung ourselves into it headlong. the pace is going to be so much slower because both parties are going to be so cautious!!
I might experiment with contacting him more and asking him to see you more, but NO expectations. It sounds like he really cares about you and enjoys spending time with you (and kissing you!!), just that he is cautious and scared. I would still wait for HIM to bring up an R talk, instead of initiating.
Also, if he is still struggling in his own life, it is probably BETTER that things are moving slower between the two of you. Remember when you said you didn't want to reconcile until you finished some stuff around your house? It sounds like he has "inner housekeeping" to do, that hopefully this space will give him an opportunity to do as well.
I don't know how you could communicate your frustration with his "stuckness" without him taking it as a total judgement/rejection. It is also possible that he really treasures your input and problem solving abilities and is struggling without you. But there's got to be a middle ground where he can take care of himself and you can help without resenting it!!! What would passionate marriage say on this topic??
