Thank you so much girls for checking on me. I just wrote on Jeff's thread about how thankful I am for all of you - you really have made such a difference in my journey. I actually hate to imagine where I would be without your friendship and advice!
Julia - You are so right - I need to concentrate on the spark, and less on what I want to be happening.
Lisa - I've missed you - think about you all the time. So glad to hear that you are enjoying lots of male attention. How are you? I always look forward to your nuggets of wisdom! More goss on your life please!!
Ali - Thanks for your message. I dont even know if there is an OW. Not a long term OW, but I think I'm fooling myself to think that there have been short time flings! I constantly debate whether H and I should be having deeper conversations, but my gut instinct says that I need to follow his lead, and not push to have a R conversation that he's not ready for. And I still have so many doubts about whether I actually want our M again or not....
T - (((Lovely))) Thanks for your questions! They are so tricky!! I'm glad you have a soft spot for my H - I dont know if he deserves it but he is lost. You are so right - when I think about my interactions with H, the word that mostly pops up is disappointment. How do I know if its because my expectations are too high, or if it simply is that he's not that into me and therefore not making an effort??? I would LOVE to answer this question - I think its the root problem of our Relationship from Day 1.
In an attempt to answer your questions (so tricky) I feel like he is broken, or stuck, not happy, and that he cant think of solutions, so I mother him by coming up with solutions. To be honest I did this all the time in our R, but I havent done it since we separated. He often looks to me to tell him what to do (in regards to work, relationships, leisure, his life!) I dont want to do this again. I want someone who can identify what's not working in their life and then make a plan and fix it. It worries me that he is still not taking responsibility for the things in his life that he doesnt strive for things that would make him happy. But I'm open to the possibility that I'm being judgemental and that its only because he does things differently to me. But he does seem unhappy (at least he cant blame that on me anymore!)
Inegrity - you know its doing the right thing even when its the hard choice. I'd like to see H be honest. I'd like him to do things that would make it safer for me to trust him. I'd like him to follow through on his promises. Its not that he's not doing it now, our interactions are so limited - but he hasnt in the past.
Yes I wonder too if the bitch book has put me slightly off course. Although sometimes it really seems to work, and it always makes me feel better! Othertimes it doesnt seem to work (see below!). Or maybe H doest know what he wants and there is nothing I could do one way or the other that would change it!
What do I want? I want to live my life and experience everything I can to the fullest. It would be nice to be in a relationship with someone that adds to my life, and it would be nice if H was that person. But a relationship and H are both bonuses!
What dont I want? To get stuck hoping and waiting for H to show up, when he really isnt adding to my life. How long to wait and hope I'm not sure.
K- Thanks for your encouragement. A little while ago you posted about how angry you were with your H, making you make a decision about you R - and how it was so much easier when you were the victim and had no control over what the outcome was. At the time I couldnt relate to how you were feeling at all - but lately I've been having the same thoughts. But sadness not anger..
How do I get him to come runnning into my arms without having to file??
So last week there was a really bad storm. Lots of flooding. I couldnt get to work (yay!) so had to stay home. H rang to see if I was badly affected and also wanted to come and pick up a tent so that he could go camping. We had an OK interaction - a bit strained, because it had been so many weeks since we'd seen each other. He looks awful - he's put on a lot of weight this last year. Well not awful, but not as handsome as he used to look! I also gave him boxes of his stuff that I'd packed up. There is only one more box at my place with his stuff now! And that feels good! I asked him to look at a light that was broken, and he was super helpful and got a replacement part for it. Very nice. We were supposed to go out for dinner, but at the last minute decided that it wouldnt be good to be out driving in the storms. So we talked for about an hour on the phone. This interaction was fun and less strained.
Last night we had our date. Very nice. I'm so careful to compliment any decisions he makes, instead of being the control freak I used to be! Anyway dinner was really nice. He hugged me and put his arm around my waist to guide me to the table (scored points for that). I talked lots about all the fun things I've got planned - I'm not sure if this strategy is working, but I dont know what else to do? At the end of dinner it started pouring with rain, so he got his car and drove me to my car so I wouldnt get so wet. He kissed me in the car - all the kissing is initiated by him, but I had to make it 'safe' by touching him lovingly on his arm beforehand.
Dammmn so confusing! I dont understand him! Maybe its OK that we are just connecting as lovers again - clearly there is good chemistry between us. The hardest part is that it seems to only be OK as long as I keep everything light and happy. I guess I'm scared of anything deeper - partly because of my own feelings, and partly cause I dont want to be hurt again.
What are your suggestions to opening him up a bit more? I want to know where he sees the relationship heading. Am I just scared of not being in control? I dont know if I'm OK to just seem him once every 3-4 weeks and talk on the phone every second week. I do want more from a relationship.
