Thank you, Yesterday was the first birthday in all the years we were married that he missed. Even last years. I also received a call from a friend from Mexico where we had lived. This famlly were deeply saddened to hear that he and I had seperated and knew us well over the 2 years I was there with him. They said many times he said how much he loved me. Then when I said we were divorced they were devestated. What is going on in his mind? That is not like him. He loved you so much and you him. No one understands. I sat over a bottle of wine in the evening alone. I stupidly did email him I said that I did not know if he remembered what today was and it was really not my business to know. I just wanted to tHi Bro, Wrote myself a letter today. Something I suppose stirring inside my soul. I wrote my brother this letter. It is where I am headded. We were married 17 years second one for both of us. Each has a child from first marriages and we had a son together. He left June 2007 when I got an email from OW stating that she loved him with all her heart and could not wait for the moment for him to return. He said he was glad it was out in the open. Tried to deny it at first but then said he finally had fallen off the pedestal that I had put him on . He had feelings for her and he may regret it but was going for it. HE wanted a divorce. I served him in Dec and through the months leading up questioned him and myself what are we doing. Divorce happened last month. He is still with ow. He is 49 she is 38, single no children and I was 56 yesterday. We have not spoken since August when he told me he was inlove with her not me. The fire was out in our marriage and he wanted no conditions on his life and could not give me committment. He took her to Hawaii last January. Where we were married, honeymooned, vacationed with the family and planned on retireing. He lives in his warehouse with her now. Where he has all his equipment; 2 Jaguars, Mercedes for her and trucks. Our son is 16 almost 17 and is a teenager. His father admits to being selfish but it is time for him now. He can not look after anyone else. The clock is ticking and many things he throws at me that are hurtful and not completely true but how he has chosen to see them.
Another year older. Wiser, I only hope. To prove to myself that only by my own actions will I demonstrate to myself the woman I want to be. Time to rid myself of some personality traits that I carried for too long. Unburdeoning the load without fear. Embrace the changes and feel iinside what fills my heart. To take this time to visit myself. What do I like about me? What do I think I can change to like myself more? I've discovered that the feeling of self esteem comes from what I do and say. A job that brings home finances and support to my family. A sense of accomplishment and feelings of contribution. A professional attitude that challanges my mind and for me this has been a long time without. My own personal journey began a few years ago. Changing from a Nurse, as I was overloaded, to try and develop another possibility. I was supported in my decision. Allowed without question to discover this. Now to find where I am best suited within myself is where I left. No one could tell me that I was wrong. No one could make me see or stay. I needed to do it for myself. I see where Geoff may be now. He is on his own journey. One that I to have no control over. To support him I needed to free him from this marriage. Now I feel a glimpse of acceptance and understanding. Not into the dynamics of the need for his change. Not analyzing it or try to change it. Just the need to appreciate it and say-you go. I will be alright. Do what you need to do for you now, without judgement. I can be angry; hurt; blame etc. , but all these emotions will not alter the situation. Infact they hinder my own need for growth. A time now for me to reflect upon myself. Yes heal and view it as something in both our lives to grow from as individuals. For me, not to be afraid of speaking up and listening to critizism. To hear more than the words. Embrace the chance to clear out unhealthy characteristics and build new strengths. To believe in myself and feel the changes from inside where my thoughts are and what I may be doing that have blocked me. To not be afraid to loose control and realize that control is for myself. To think for myself and not care for praise or fear judgement. To know that I need to recognize my own faults and decide to act on changes for me. When I lash out in anger, verbally or slam doors, what have I done productive? Possibly traits that I adopted as defense or learned behaviors from my family of origin. I am no longer that child. That hurt from the past does not surround me now and I can choose for me what I do now. To cause someone else pain, verbally or otherwise does not empower me. Infact it shows disrespect for me and for others. Later discovering that I am not happy inside for what I chose to do or say. I am not going forward. I am not progressing but regressing with those actions. I feel a loss in my for my own pride and reason. I loose self respect and boarder on selfishness. To be accountable to myself for all the traits that I see are not profitable to my loving myself is where I am going. To accept, appreciate and listen to the wisdom inside me and not the fear. To grow from this time and view it for myself as MY time. As I care for the needs and listen to the words of my aging parents. Struggling to maintain dignity for them and accepting this is part of their journeys and not fear it as a loss or grieve it as a time when my next chapter will all too soon approach. To hear my teenage son but not just the words. To guide and not control. Have my home boundaries and clearly state why. Allowing him to become himself without entrapment but security;responsibility;respect and honesty. I want to go forward on this journey leaving behind the good and the bad. Decifer in my heart what I missed and lost. Find in myself what may have been my contribution to it. Accept that and learn. I do not want to lean; quit or bandaid my wounds but actually feel them. It is only by feeling them that I own them. It is by feeling them that I will begin to recognize how much growth inside myself I am making. No blame; run away; escape; ignore but see my own place in them and find the me that is accountable and willing to change. Feel a sense of awakening as the choices I now choose to make may warm my heart and find peace and contentment in my mind. What prompted this need for change? A feeling- loss and lost inside. A sense of discontent within me. I am the one owning these thoughts, words and actions. I am the only one who can take control of them, for myself. My future; family and friends. Mainly for me to discover who I am now, who I want to be and facing these challanges head on and go forward for ME. Love Sis hank him for all the wonderful birthdays that he had for me in the past. I wished him and ow many years of happiness.
