It is my birthday today. Never in all the years together did he forget that. Today if the first. Even last year post speech he called me. Now we are D. I think that he may reflect on today and I wish to email him. Yet perhaps he does not. He has ow here from Mexico and I fear that what I may say will fall on deaf ears. Help!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome to divorcebusting.com. I just happened to peak at the board and saw your post and wanted to respond to you.
I'm really sorry he missed your birthday. I hope you found happiness on your day anyway.
It really is not a good idea to contact him. I understand your internal push to do so, but it is more likely to push him farther away from you than draw you closer. When the OW is gone....it MIGHT be ok to test the waters, happily and pleasantly.....and honestly, we'd want to know more about your situation before offering that advice.
Find ways to make yourself really happy. You deserve it, need it AND it makes you MORE ATTRACTIVE. When it bombs out with this OW, you want him to be irresistably drawn to YOU.
In the meantime....why not tell folks here more about your interactions with your exH.
sg
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thank you, Yesterday was the first birthday in all the years we were married that he missed. Even last years. I also received a call from a friend from Mexico where we had lived. This famlly were deeply saddened to hear that he and I had seperated and knew us well over the 2 years I was there with him. They said many times he said how much he loved me. Then when I said we were divorced they were devestated. What is going on in his mind? That is not like him. He loved you so much and you him. No one understands. I sat over a bottle of wine in the evening alone. I stupidly did email him I said that I did not know if he remembered what today was and it was really not my business to know. I just wanted to tHi Bro, Wrote myself a letter today. Something I suppose stirring inside my soul. I wrote my brother this letter. It is where I am headded. We were married 17 years second one for both of us. Each has a child from first marriages and we had a son together. He left June 2007 when I got an email from OW stating that she loved him with all her heart and could not wait for the moment for him to return. He said he was glad it was out in the open. Tried to deny it at first but then said he finally had fallen off the pedestal that I had put him on . He had feelings for her and he may regret it but was going for it. HE wanted a divorce. I served him in Dec and through the months leading up questioned him and myself what are we doing. Divorce happened last month. He is still with ow. He is 49 she is 38, single no children and I was 56 yesterday. We have not spoken since August when he told me he was inlove with her not me. The fire was out in our marriage and he wanted no conditions on his life and could not give me committment. He took her to Hawaii last January. Where we were married, honeymooned, vacationed with the family and planned on retireing. He lives in his warehouse with her now. Where he has all his equipment; 2 Jaguars, Mercedes for her and trucks. Our son is 16 almost 17 and is a teenager. His father admits to being selfish but it is time for him now. He can not look after anyone else. The clock is ticking and many things he throws at me that are hurtful and not completely true but how he has chosen to see them.
Another year older. Wiser, I only hope. To prove to myself that only by my own actions will I demonstrate to myself the woman I want to be. Time to rid myself of some personality traits that I carried for too long. Unburdeoning the load without fear. Embrace the changes and feel iinside what fills my heart. To take this time to visit myself. What do I like about me? What do I think I can change to like myself more? I've discovered that the feeling of self esteem comes from what I do and say. A job that brings home finances and support to my family. A sense of accomplishment and feelings of contribution. A professional attitude that challanges my mind and for me this has been a long time without. My own personal journey began a few years ago. Changing from a Nurse, as I was overloaded, to try and develop another possibility. I was supported in my decision. Allowed without question to discover this. Now to find where I am best suited within myself is where I left. No one could tell me that I was wrong. No one could make me see or stay. I needed to do it for myself. I see where Geoff may be now. He is on his own journey. One that I to have no control over. To support him I needed to free him from this marriage. Now I feel a glimpse of acceptance and understanding. Not into the dynamics of the need for his change. Not analyzing it or try to change it. Just the need to appreciate it and say-you go. I will be alright. Do what you need to do for you now, without judgement. I can be angry; hurt; blame etc. , but all these emotions will not alter the situation. Infact they hinder my own need for growth. A time now for me to reflect upon myself. Yes heal and view it as something in both our lives to grow from as individuals. For me, not to be afraid of speaking up and listening to critizism. To hear more than the words. Embrace the chance to clear out unhealthy characteristics and build new strengths. To believe in myself and feel the changes from inside where my thoughts are and what I may be doing that have blocked me. To not be afraid to loose control and realize that control is for myself. To think for myself and not care for praise or fear judgement. To know that I need to recognize my own faults and decide to act on changes for me. When I lash out in anger, verbally or slam doors, what have I done productive? Possibly traits that I adopted as defense or learned behaviors from my family of origin. I am no longer that child. That hurt from the past does not surround me now and I can choose for me what I do now. To cause someone else pain, verbally or otherwise does not empower me. Infact it shows disrespect for me and for others. Later discovering that I am not happy inside for what I chose to do or say. I am not going forward. I am not progressing but regressing with those actions. I feel a loss in my for my own pride and reason. I loose self respect and boarder on selfishness. To be accountable to myself for all the traits that I see are not profitable to my loving myself is where I am going. To accept, appreciate and listen to the wisdom inside me and not the fear. To grow from this time and view it for myself as MY time. As I care for the needs and listen to the words of my aging parents. Struggling to maintain dignity for them and accepting this is part of their journeys and not fear it as a loss or grieve it as a time when my next chapter will all too soon approach. To hear my teenage son but not just the words. To guide and not control. Have my home boundaries and clearly state why. Allowing him to become himself without entrapment but security;responsibility;respect and honesty. I want to go forward on this journey leaving behind the good and the bad. Decifer in my heart what I missed and lost. Find in myself what may have been my contribution to it. Accept that and learn. I do not want to lean; quit or bandaid my wounds but actually feel them. It is only by feeling them that I own them. It is by feeling them that I will begin to recognize how much growth inside myself I am making. No blame; run away; escape; ignore but see my own place in them and find the me that is accountable and willing to change. Feel a sense of awakening as the choices I now choose to make may warm my heart and find peace and contentment in my mind. What prompted this need for change? A feeling- loss and lost inside. A sense of discontent within me. I am the one owning these thoughts, words and actions. I am the only one who can take control of them, for myself. My future; family and friends. Mainly for me to discover who I am now, who I want to be and facing these challanges head on and go forward for ME. Love Sis hank him for all the wonderful birthdays that he had for me in the past. I wished him and ow many years of happiness.
Hello Bittersweet, I did not send this to my ex but to my brother and he has not yet responded. To send it to my ex would be futile. I need to distance myself from him. I sent him an email on my B day, Wednesday, To say thank you for all the B days he had made memorable and to wish him and ow many years of happiness. I have decided to let go and let god. To cling is to be needed and I want to shine and grow. Hugs pal, G
Thank you. I hear from others on another site all about the MLC'r needs for himself. The ow is playing into that to keep herself in the picture. He feeds off the attention he gets and the newness and she tries every way to distance him further from thinking about me. He lies to protect himself and her. I do not know if he lies to her as well. She hears from him of what we did in our marriage and she wants it as well. Like taking her to Hawaii last January where we were married. He said he is making new memories and just wants me to move on. The jaguar that he bought me and I gave back to him. She wants it repaired so she can drive it. He hears what she says and because perhaps he can not face what he has chosen to do, listens to her and absorbs it. He has changed so much. Even to the point perhaps of wanting to get married again. This was both of ours second marriage. She wants him desperatelly. From Mexico and also has a bleeding heart story about her life and that he feels sorry for her and forgets all that I did in mine to be where I am. Perhaps she will get pregnant or make him feel that she is unworthy to be the mother of his child. He may feel there is no option now and just go for it. I know I need to stay distant. I am even disappointed in me for emailing him on my birthday. To say that I wished him many years of happiness with ow was only my way of saying that I am moving on and accept what he has chosen to do. I am not clinging but am going forward. In time he may come to see this for what it really is. That she is a game player and that he has gone from the frying pan into the fire. So sad and perhaps so needed. Inside there is the man that I loved but he is supported in his choice by his single male friends and now feels that there is no option but to go on with her and this life. I still pray. I am working towards a new job and continuing to hold my head up. I slip from time to time and if he feels guilty and if he feels that there is no hope in returning as it will never be the same then for now that is the way it is. I told him that I believe that you can learn from this. That we could make it better. Then he came back and I said that I had lied as I needed him to tell me that. Until then I know it would only be me working towards what I would want to believe it could be. Still, perhaps I planted a seed in his mind. Until he sees this for what it is and if ever finds the courage to return I will go on. Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate any input.
I used to dream sometimes that my wife had left me, i had the dreams like 3-4 times but I would always wake up from it. It always felt so real, it was unbeliveable. This is what it feels like right now, I seriously keep thinking this is some dream. It has only been 1 month for me since wife walked out and she filed paper work 2 weeks ago.
June21, I know it's tuff but I think somethings that keep me going are it's only a person that I like, I can find other people like that. Millions of other ppl have been divorced(it feels shamefull and somehting that I thought would never happen to me) so you aren't the only 1 going through it. I have started working out again, helps me to release some of the anger out I think just go do it the excersie and see what it does. Does it feel shamefull 2 u. Go and be around friends if you don't have roomate get 1 that's what i'm going to do. Just keep doing what you are doing (improving yourself) and just belive something good will happen and you worrying about it willn't change a thing. I feel like if the other person does come back why do they come back because the don't like what they have right now(other girl or man) and once they find another person they will just move on again. In my case I don't know if there is another person but i'm just saying if there was.
Realizing that my ex was going through MLC for me to figure any of this out is unreasonable. He is in love with ow who is from another country and is younger. He vascilates from what he has done to what he blames me for to in love with ow and I did not understand and then he will say he did not appreciate what he had. From all that extensive reading that I have done I see that it is not at all anything to do with ME. It is in his head. He is depressed and for now she is helping him as a bandaid. Perhaps a permenant one perhaps not. The counsellor that I had commented to me that the best thing for me to do was to let him go and get the divorce. Right now he is in a place where he sees the marriage and all in it as only the negative. He wants to run from aging. Blames me for what he did not have and where he figures he should be now. Studying the steps he is in REPLAY. I pray that he goes beyond that. All I can do for now is go on with my life. Sadly for our teenage son this is occuring when he wants attention and sees his father with sports cars; pony tail; ow and does not want to be here with the family anymore. Wants excitment; take chances and live on the edge. A family life had in HIS MIND become boring and the thrill of a new woman and the chance of a younger one was ego boosting and in HIS MIND right now powering. There is a part of him that sees what he has chosen to do. HE will say things like I am not trying to replace you with the women I meet or have met. Then he will lash out at me. The best and only thing for me to do is no contact with him. Give him the time and chance to figure out what he really wants. If this is her, I have to accept it. If it is another I have to accept it. I have no control over another person's mind. I can only deal with me. My family and friends are very supportive. They judge his actions as heartless, cruel etc. HE admitted to me he was selfish. It was time for him now and I know he fought this. I can only PRAY that in time he finds the courage and strength to return. No it would not be the same as we will be different in many ways. Perhaps wiser and if it was ment to be. Then nothing will stand in its way. I just pray.
