Creeping through no man's land

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,
At least you did not argue with H at the parents evening.

I wish you a relaxing week-end. Take care. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

At least you did not argue with H at the parents evening

I went solely with the intention of NOT arguing with H even if had tried to goad me (as I had expected - he surprised me there). The only thing I had resolved to not waiver on was the involvement of OW if he had insisted on bringing her.

[BeingMe]

Well, OW certainly has nothing to do with S16, except to assist in the continued break-up of his family (although your H is mostly to blame for that). I just feel your H is just very childish, and can't manage a grown-up divorce. There is definitely something wrong re his personality, and the choices he makes in his life. Like an ostrich pretending something isn't there if he just puts his head in the sand deep enough, and long enough.

No matter what he does, your family history will never go away, you will always be the mother of his children, and there will always be that moment in the past when he truly loved you, and he did so for many years.

Sad, but I'm glad you are moving on somewhat --- you are the adult and able to work through your issues. I had hoped his psychology class would've given him some insight.

Take care.

[ACJ]

I just feel your H is just very childish, and can't manage a grown-up divorce

I totally agree.

Like an ostrich pretending something isn't there if he just puts his head in the sand deep enough, and long enough.

He definately gets this trait from his mother.

They only gave us one copy of S16s report which I ensured I brought home to put with all his others. H had asked S16 if he could have a copy. I was intending doing that anyway. So I have just scanned the documents and attached them in an email to H. I have told him it was good to see him yesterday and that I hope he keeps healthy and happy. I don't expect a response of any description but we will see.

[ACJ]

I've come to the conclusion that the only male I am able to have a healthy relationship with is my father. You would think that this would be a good basis on which to use as a template for all my relationships with the males in my life. Not so.

As of yesterday I no longer have a relationship with S16. If I thought it hurt when H left it was nothing compared to how I feel now.

Im tired of fighting. I am tired of being the sensible one and trying to keep my family together. I want to be reckless and selfish but most of all I want to feel loved and respected. My daddy is the only one who gives me that.

[naej]

Alison (((()))) a bad day I guess. It will get better, it will.
One day your son will realise all you have done for him, maybe not this side of christmas tho.
I guess you and son had a falling out.
I am truly blessed with my kids and my boys have been a lifesaver for me plus my daughter, but they were a year or two older when their dad left. On the down side though I was not close to my father (he was away alot-his job) and now I have been an orphan for many years, so you are so lucky to still have both your parents with you.
I hope the day gets better.Just leave son be, he'll come round I,m sure.
I hear you on the loved and respected but first we have to give it to ourselves. You can do this.
Stay strong.

[ACJ]

Alison (((()))) a bad day I guess.

The worst of my life so far.

I guess you and son had a falling out.

Yep. All over a family portrait photo session. Ironically I had booked it so the kids would have something to give thier Dad for Christmas. We still went without him but it wasn't the same. Even more ironically the last time we did this was just a couple of weeks before H left. I had booked for us all to go then but H 'double booked' himself and went out with the 'boys' instead. So at that point I just had the kids done I was too upset to be involved. I did join in yesterday but I won't be buying any of those photos. I want a picture with me and all my kids. I tried explaining that to S16. It just made him even more determined not to come.

This all started b/c S16's GF said she couldn't come. I had invited her in the first place (and D18's BF) to ensure that S16 would want to be involved. It back fired big time. This was due to the fact that he conveniently forgot to tell her until Friday night. So I don't think he ever wanted to be there.

This was supposed to show my kids that we are still a family despite being different to what we were. I was kidding myself. None of them are interested in being a family. D18 has her life at uni, S16 chooses H & OW over me and D13 can't wait to be old enough to go. I was never meant to be a mother and a wife that much is now as clear as mud.

[BeingMe]

Oh, ACJ, my heart goes out to you because I know the pain our children can cause us. It hits so much deeper than the pain our H's can cause. But, as naej says, it will get better. Your children are at that age when they want to be independent, but not old enough really (except D18 who is barely old enough t be on her own). It doesn't help to be going through a divorce now. This is the time when parents should be showing a united front, but your H thinks he is one of the teens seeking independence. When they're older, and real life starts showing itself, then they will remember mom, and all she did for them. Let the picture go. Have one done of you and your girls. Why not! Try not to invest too much (esp. emotionally) into this sort of thing --- rather, try and get to spend as much time with each of them as much as possible, without seeming desperate. It's like DBing --- it's starting to work with my D21, although she's still being hurtful (anyway, that's a long story, and an extremely painful one). Just know that they, unlike your H, have an excuse for their behaviour --- their brains have not yet completely grown (so they have a physiological excuse) - it is only complete at 25years or so. Plus there's the hormones and dealing with the father who abandoned them, and you have a situation that is bound to have explosive moments. All you can do is minimize the damage, and let it go. Try, anyway. (((((ACJ)))))

You are so lucky to still have your parents, especially your dad, with you. My parents passed away a long time ago, and my dad was my hero too. Strangely, I dreamt about him last night and feel kinda teary today.

[naej]

Alison, if it makes you feel any better I have never managed to get a family picture and I would have loved one, but it never worked out.

Isn't it funny how what appears to be a harmless task (ie pics) suddenly seems to explode.

Mantra...It will get better...it will get better..
I won't say one day you will look back and laugh but one day it will not hold such importance or sadness.
I know it feels like you are trying to hold your family together single handedly and they are all pulling against you. you have to understand that right now they don't want to be a family unit, with or without your h at home I guess they might be much the same. It is the way and age they are.

Just let it go, just be mum and get on with your life (whilst not neglecting them)maybe suggest things to them before you do it, just to get a feel of the mood.Maybe say something like I was thinking of doing a special lunch on Sunday, anyone going to be around, if not I,ll just leave you something and go shopping. Not a very good suggestion but I hope you see what I mean.

There are times when being "mum" is a thankless task but it will go full circle and you will end up best friends.

[mojo]

Hi Alison you're getting some good advice here. I think that you're trying too hard. This is going to destroy you if you let it.