Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

So,

I really wish H would not send emails. I was out tonight at a sale with a coworker and saw the title of the email pop up on my Blackberry. My blood ran cold. Anyway I know in some ways this email signifies we could be in piecing but I guess I wanted something more definitive...here goes:

"I have been letting things ride and just see what happens. I still feel the way I feel but I want to try for the next few months and see where we are at. I am trying, I really am. I am trying to open, I am giving things a chance like you want. It is not easy, but I am going to try. I want you to know this is a decision I am making to try, it is not something I am just walking through. I make no guarantees though. I do not want to take anything for granted or assume anything, I do not want you or me to do this. It is nice being together. Lets see what happens."

Is this good or bad? I wanted a recommitment...

I responded right away (I know,bad), and asked if we could go to marriage counseling. Here is the response:

"lets just adapt a bit, let me get some time with things as this and for the new year we can do this. i still need to do a lot of thinking, and i still need time on my own. i still need time to myself. i am not saying i will not go to counseling, i will, just give me some space."

And at the same time I'd sent another email, one I never should have sent saying I love him and that I want a fresh start. He emailed back saying things are not alright and I shouldn't assume anything, to slow it down a bit. I replied only that I would try to be more mindful. He sent yet another email "so anyway, this was meant to be positive news so take it as such." I responded that of course he was very right and that I was just surprised to get this email while I was out and hadn't had the chance to think. All quiet now, and he gets home at 11 tonight, so a few hours...

I really don't know how to feel. I know I shouldn't have sent the I love you email, but I thought he was a lot more positive than he seems to be. In one way an acknowledgment of trying qualifies me for piecing but trying is not a recommitment...

Now I am going to have to seem happy and upbeat when H gets home. I don't know how to slow things down. Other than today's email, I have been backed off. I feel pretty wounded, but H thinks he was giving me positive news. Please give me opinions on whether I should be positive about this?

ITH