Well, I've decided not to try to make things happen. I've decided to do the unexpected. That is, not to show that I am available for him.
He said he changed his plans to come out to the store on Thursday night. I am off of work on at 5:00 pm. I am starting to feel a little bit better that he will look for me about every 2-1/2 weeks. So, I'm not going to call him to see if he wants me there.
Being that it is before Thanksgiving, I don't want to feel stressed out.
Hi . . . I'm confused. Going dark is difficult for me. After I see him, 'A', I want to jump into the 'r' again, and then it's tough to go back to 'dark'.
Trusting him, especially at this holiday season, is pretty difficult. I want so much to 'act confidently', 'act with a deliberate attitude', 'act with mystery and fun'. This is scarey. I want some kind of bonding other than crumbs of visits at work!!!
Current Progress:
1.) Since he didn't make plans with me, my honest intentions were to avoid seeing him when he came to my work on Thursday pm. a.) I had so much work to finish that by the time I had my coat on and walking toward the door, there he was at Customer Service waving me down. b.) I couldn't avoid him or pretend not to see him. That is not my nature. (That would be a 180, but I thought a mean 180.)
2.) I felt awkward and nervous. I was in a very good mood, felt that I looked pretty good, and I acted my social-self. I took a survey the next day. Work friends said that I did well. 'A' came over to kiss me 'hello' and 'good-bye'.
3.) We talked, laughed. I got up the nerve to tell him that I was waiting for him to invite me to see his condo since his latest renovations. He told me that I would see it soon. (hmmmmm...waiting game...hate it!)
4.) I flirted and joked with him and with others. (my nature)
5.) We spent about 20 minutes together. He said he liked my hair. He gave me a little 'sorry for himself' story. He looked worn out, but very handsome.
6.) I politely excused myself because I said I had to get to my dinner plans. I'm proud of myself for that. We kissed good-bye. I patted his bum. I blew kisses to him; he blew kisses back to me (the most intimacy I've had with him in 2 years!!!)
7.) I noticed he was watching me a few times that night.
8.) He mentioned several times that he was probably going to suffer this holiday. Then, he assured me that he would be ok. I didn't respond either time. I listened. Inside, I wanted to slap him silly and tell him that he's a fool.
Goals:
1.) I want togetherness this holiday season. I WANT MORE CLOSENESS...AHHHHHH! a.) Today, I txt him that work is offering 20% off to us/family members on all stock. I offered that it is his chance to get small appliances for his place. I realize it is more of work stuff, but I guess that is my safe place right now. (?) b.) The alone bonding experience is important to me. Hoping it would lead to laughing, talking, planning, feeling good ... and dinner together.
Thots for today:
1.) I am happy that I am enjoying the intensity and the learning curve at work. 2.) I am enjoying my friend/associate Jess. 3.) Friends at work discussed how much one reason we love work so much is because of the people. Good support group. 4.) I am thankful that the Operational Manager is becoming more approachable. I am starting to like her and respect her a lot. I might tell her. (yikes) 5.) I had fun with my friend while he helped me rake my backyard. Yard looks so neat. 6.) I am encouraged that I feel a little more relaxed and that I am able to do more of the things I enjoy. 7.) I am feeling good that I have obtained a goal made two years ago. That being, I want my world to be bigger than my 'H'. It is! It is fuller and all mine!!! 8.) Still miss 'A'. That feeling is sometimes paralyzing.
Probably will make an appointment soon to talk. I'm trying to think positively and trust.
JoJo, So, you are seeing a bit of a 2 1/2 week cycle of him initiating some contact? Did the 3 week "going dark" plan help you to see that? By noticing that, how does that help you see how you should connect with him in these next months?
The contact you had last Thursday night seemed pretty positive - that's great! It sounded as if you focused on connecting & affirming him being there, but you also were the one that initiated needing to leave. That seemed like a wonderful balance of affirming the relationship AND affirming your confident personhood!
JJ, talk to me about the Thanksgiving plans re: connecting (or not connecting) with A. What are you realistically hoping for?
And, I am so glad your 2 year goal has been achieved!!! I am so glad you are able to look back and see you've accomplished something very important for yourself, JoJo. TWO BIG HUGS! :o)
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
1.) Hoping he would initiate calling me to wish me a happy holiday. a.) I feel that I should expect the worst.
2.) Even though I want to be with him and talk to him, I feel much better when he initiates contact. a.) My friend, 'K' told me that he will contact me, in time.
3.) I'd love to tell him 'what I prefer' with our 'r'...that never works. He always listened, and then he just does what he wants. a.) I fantasize talking to him. It always sounds good to me.
4.) I want to stay positive and grateful.
Hey Laur, guess what? Last night, I dreamed that 'A' surprised me by wishing me a Happy Anniversay! It was a great dream. November 30, we had a beautiful winter wedding. It snowed that night. Looking out to 19th C brick architecture in our town while we were getting married was so romantic.
1.) I guess I can plan that 'A' will initiate some contact. a.) The contact time is so small compared to the time I wait for his call that drives me 'crazy'.
2.) I had mixed feelings about seeing him. It was so unexpected. I was thrown off.
3.) After seeing him, even though I act cool, I have to fight the 'A' withdrawal pains. a.) I wonder how long it be until I can really see him socially without these little crumbs every once in awhile.
God works in mysterious ways. I feel good, but I also feel empty.
1.) 'A' and a friend came into work yesterday. a.) I was very busy. I talked to him and waited on him. b.) I recommended that he special order his blinds.
2.) Today, I called him. We talked a little. Then we talked about his blinds. a.) I think I came across both times that I am happy with my job and with my friends at work.
3.) I called him later to confirm the order. Even though I was tired, I felt confident, up and happy to talk to him. a.) I even called him 'buddy'...'ok buddy, I gotta go'...
4.) I am feeling more confident about talking to him and seeing him. I wonder where that feeling will take me/us.
1.) How do I make plans with him? a.) What words do I use?
2.) I've been waiting for him to invite me to see his newest renovations in his new condo.
3.) I txt him to tell him that our store is offering 20% on all in-stock product for the first week of December. How do I tell him that I would like to spend a day shopping with him?
4.) If I can't talk to him about our relationship, how do I show him if we are not physically connecting? How do I get more physical (not only telephone) connection? How do I ask for it?
JoJo, So, you are seeing a bit of a 2 1/2 week cycle of him initiating some contact? Did the 3 week "going dark" plan help you to see that? By noticing that, how does that help you see how you should connect with him in these next months?
I don't know ?????
I don't know how to connect with him. I wait, we touch base alittle, we say good bye, I wait again. I don't know how to connect with him in person...I don't know how to get over this hump.
Do I wait? Do I say something? I don't know. This frustrates me.
1.) I'm noticing that the more I 'go dark' the sadder I get. In and out of 'darkness' feels chaotic. 2.) My friend, 'k', told me that I should tell 'A' that I'd like to spend time with him. a.) That is risky; I'm too afraid. 3.) This is the onset of the holidays. I don't know what to do.
It's been over two years since 'A' and I have been apart. However, my heart and my spirit is still married even more than ever.
One thing that I am grateful for is that 'A' is talking to me again. He calls only once in awhile, but I have a relief when he does. When he calls, I feel that I am sixteen years old again.
Even though he does initiate some contact ever few weeks, it only helps me realize that if I want any relationship with him, he needs control. I don't know how to get more of a connection and also allow him to maintain the feeling of control! I am uncertain of what actions I can take that will work for me. So far, he only seems to move a tad closer when I stay away. I don't know if there is anything I can do to connect in any way with him. I don't know if there are any other options for me.
Today is our anniversary. I am sure this date has no meaning to 'A'. Similar to that day we got married, snow flakes are falling. It was a very romantic evening . . . at least, it was to me.
Today, I am quietly patient, again. I live my life, and I am still standing firmly waiting.
