Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[Trixi]

Happy Thanksgiving!!
I just got done making the fruit salad and cheesecake for the 'dinner' at my mom's. I'll go there from about 1-5pm and then come home and go out to dinner with H and the kids at 6pm.

Nik, I have been chewing on what you wrote about; feeling like you don't have much in common with your H and the biggie

I got so used to living day to day and week to week I forgot how to really look to the longer term future is kinda what it feels like.

That seems like a very profound statement. For me, I think that when H said that our current situation keeps him interested, this might be part of it. The "drama" of the unknown. I know that every day, in some way, I feel like I am fighting for my marriage. Even if 'fighting' means going dark. And now, it's been going on for so long, would it feel "boring" to just have a normal relationship without the constant worry that the other shoe is about to fall?

I have been reading a book called Learned Optimism and the author is discussing how prevelent depression is; like never before. His theory is that we have become a society the exalts the "self" so much that our lives are empty. There are so many choices (anyone look at the bread aisle lately?) that a person becomes hedonistic and is only concerned in exalting themSELVES. And making themSELVES happy. "A life committed to nothing larger than itself is a meager life indeed." I can't paraphrase the whole chapter here. The whole book is very fascinating-even dogs can be (essentially) optimistic or pessimistic based on what they learn regarding being able to "control" their lives.

ANYway, I have wondered myself, how I would feel if I wasn't in a 'code red' 'DEFCON 1' situation. How would it feel to not have a life that is all about watching for babysteps, praying that the WAS open their eyes, wondering what will happen. I guess, in a way, trying to save a marriage is like a very big 'project'.

So, w/regard to your sitch- are there any charities you both care about? Is there any sort of side business you ever considered doing? Rescuing animals? Mentoring children? Are you guys religious at all? Can you spearhead a charity drive with your group of friends? For instance, organize a gathering and collect food or blankets or whatever to donate.
I'm just tossing some stuff out there. I certainly don't know the answer.

I used to post on 'another site' that had all sorts of "rules"- you must spend 15 hours of Undivided Attention/wk with the spouse; you must not do ANYthing without the ENTHUSIASTIC agreement of the spouse; you must be Radically Honest w/spouse always-even if it might hurt their feelings; no Independent Behavior (ie, no going out to bars, etc w/out spouse)...anyway, I was re-reading my old posts from 1 year ago (to the date). OMG, he was saying the same stuff back then. I am always surprised at myself when I look back over old threads and see the same thing over and over.

I let myself get "tricked" into thinking we are making babysteps, when in reality, we are just babystepping in a circle.

I wish I had the income to know I could support myself; that would take away some of the fear. (Not all, but some.) If we get divorced and I have to do COBRA, that will increase my expenses a good $400/mo. Even if I get my own catastrophic insurance that is around $175/mo. It all starts to add up.

I need to find the strength to SOMEthing. Of course, I am afraid that if I give up, it will be the moment before he would have changed his mind.