Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Oh Sep,

Thank you so much :). Still loads of work to do, but your support is so great to get!

BTW tonight H came home and we had wine. He wanted to toast (for the first time in months), and said "to you, for going to get the computer today."

I really am feeling the love, even without a direct expression of it. I also asked him if needed to install a certain CD on the new PC (yes, very geeky), and he said "I do if you want me to."

Feels like I am starting to fall in love again...

I hope this lasts! Thanks again for your nice words,

ITH

[istherehope]

Ha ha,

Had to add something interesting that was just said...

I've gotten free tickets to attend this wine tasting event tomorrow. I hesitate to ask H to do anything at the moment, but thought I'd mention it. We live in a town at the end of the train line, so it's not terribly convenient for people to come out here after work if they don't live in the area. I mentioned it to H, and he said that if I asked around at work and nobody else wanted to come, then he'd come. So I said I'd ask my friend X, let's call him Sam. He said "Sam, that's a guy???" He seemed shocked, and I clarified that I am 90% sure he is gay (which is true, I am pretty sure of this). Nonetheless, I really didn't expect that reaction. I was pretty sure H wouldn't care at all, and I wasn't trying to make him jealous by any means. Wow though, am truly surprised by the reaction.

ITH

[istherehope]

OK my journal for the day...

Had way too much to drink last night. I had just gotten my bonus, so bought some nice wine. We ended up drinking 2 bottles between us, which sucks because I have an early morning meeting with my manager today, so I need to leave extra early. Yuck.

Last night H talked a lot about his work and things that were annoying him. I just listened. We spent a lot of time looking at the features of the new computer, and he seemed just so happy with me at the work I put into it. I'd spent hours setting it up and installing a soundcard. This involved taking the computer apart, something I hadn't ever had to do before...

We watched some shows together, and he was asking whether he should get a splurge purchase when he graduates. I'm enjoying being asked about these things, as it makes me more secure about our future together. When we went to bed, there was this sort of weird ML.

Anyway I am proud of myself for not initiating any talks last night, not asking about holiday plans, his ring etc. despite my intoxication :).Right now the fact that he isn't wearing his ring is really bothering me, but obviously the time isn't right for that conversation...

OK I have to run to work now, where I really need to start getting my act together!

ITH

[istherehope]

By the way another thing that H said last night, that gave me future hope, was that he saw what he thought was a stray dog on his way home from work. He was petting the dog, and said he was trying to figure out how he was going to get it home, when the owner showed up.

So he's willing to bring another pet into our household. This must be a good sign...

ITH

PS I am feeling really hungover and yucky.

[istherehope]

Still nothing new to report. Just have to say that my own mental state still seems pretty fragile. Tonight H was about an hour later than I thought he would be, and I started panicking and thinking he was blowing me off to go drinking with his coworkers and that he was sick of hanging out with me. First there was no reason whatsoever for me to think that. H is not the kind to go out often and drink, and if he did it still wouldn't mean that he didn't like my company and he wasn't even that late... I just panicked because I texted, and he didn't respond, and then I called, and he didn't respond, but 20 minutes later he was home. He was on the train at the time that I tried to contact him and I was once again paranoid.

I wish I would just get over this fear. I even have it when we are having IM conversations, until he says something fun or jokey. Until that point, my heart is racing and I am wondering why he is only talking about business, or being silent etc. I know I need to stop analyzing. I really know that!

Everything is still very good. Every conversation is positive, and random compliments are thrown my way from time to time. Last night H even brought up my friend who I had been staying with in totally normal, casual conversation as if there were nothing weird about it. Also H joined a gym today, one that is on his commute home.

There is still pretty limited physical affection, but I have been kissing him on the forehead when I leave in the morning and he's still in bed, and this seems OK now. When I am standing near him now, if it seems appropriate, I rub his stomach or his back a little bit. This seems to be going over OK now. So inching back towards full-fledged hugs I hope! The other night in bed when he wrapped himself around me was amazing, would love a repeat of this too :).

He's also going out of his way to say thank you for everything that I do. This shows effort, and is a pretty new trait.

OK again I'm rambling. I hope to have a nice update tomorrow.

ITH

[AliSuddenly]

Hey ITH...

So many positives, I cant keep up! It must be exciting that things seem to be going in a steady, upward trajectory.. if not there yet?

I am not surprised you feel nervous, when he doesnt show up.. you havent had THE talk yet.. he hasnt reassured you yet that he is recommitting.. so just do what you can to go easy.. I would say, next time he is a little late DONT text and dont call him! Try and distract yourself and 'trust' that he will be home soon. Did he say why he was late, or was it no big deal?

Its interesting that he said about a big purchase when he graduates (when is that?) so, he is thiking a little further ahead right!

So happy for you :-)

Al xxx

[istherehope]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for checking in on me :). In reality it was no big deal that H was late as I knew he went in late in the morning, so was probably making up the time. I didn't ask him why he was late either. Yeah I shouldn't have texted or called. I used an excuse, just said I was about to start dinner wanted to know if I should hold off or if he was on the way. I think I'll try to have more trust next time, or if he is late use it as an opportunity to do a 180 and just welcome him home when he does arrive. I used to really freak out when he stayed out late, and there was no reason for me to act that way!

Last night we pretty much just ate dinner then went to bed. My positive was that H laid with his hand on my stomach. It was sweet. In bed now he seems to go out of his way to lay so that we are touching. This is an improvement even from last week. I've started to really up the affection level on my side too, in terms of "words of affirmation", and this also seems to be having an impact. I'm constantly complimenting him.

Anyway he'll be working from home today, then I am going to this invite only designer warehouse sale after work. I can't really afford to buy anything, but am bringing a coworker, and it should be fun as they have an open bar.

I also REALLY need to get my act together at work. I barely scraped by this last quarter, and my manager said that my case had to be raised up to VP level to still get me a bonus and such as my performance itself hadn't really merited it. So now I have to scramble to do something really great this quarter and even though things are so much better at home, I am pretty mentally exhausted and still having a hard time concentrating. Hope I can turn this one around!

Oh the large purchase after H's graduation (June) would be a gift for him to celebrate. He wants a Rolex. He was asking if he should get one. Again assuming this means staying together as previously he wanted us not to spend any money so that he could afford to move out. In my case it's actually good when we spend a lot of money as though it may hurt us in terms of debt etc., it shows that H is happy with "our" lifestyle again.

So Ali if you're reading this, Pluto is now in my sign. Any thoughts on this?

ITH

[istherehope]

OK,

Nothing really new to report, but it's hit me like a ton of bricks that I need to get my act together at work. I hope it isn't too late! I can't believe that I have been so useless for nearly 2 quarters now...what a wonderful company to treat me so well. I hope I can turn this around!

On the H front casual IMs today asking me to do something in relation to the car tax, something that involves paying through December, with liberal "wes" thrown into the message. We need to watch our budget, we need to pay our car tax etc...Funny how this situation can make you appreciate the mundane. Shared chores probably make me smile more than about anything else at this point in time.

Still feeling good. I know we have not had THE talk, but I gave H the clear chance to tell me if he needed nights apart, and so far he has not mentioned this at all. I have a feeling things may continue on like this through Christmas anyway.

OK off to try and do some work, at work.

ITH

[JCJ]

(((ITH)))

Just to let you know I'm reading and watching. You are doing well. Keep it up!

Jx

[istherehope]

So,

I really wish H would not send emails. I was out tonight at a sale with a coworker and saw the title of the email pop up on my Blackberry. My blood ran cold. Anyway I know in some ways this email signifies we could be in piecing but I guess I wanted something more definitive...here goes:

"I have been letting things ride and just see what happens. I still feel the way I feel but I want to try for the next few months and see where we are at. I am trying, I really am. I am trying to open, I am giving things a chance like you want. It is not easy, but I am going to try. I want you to know this is a decision I am making to try, it is not something I am just walking through. I make no guarantees though. I do not want to take anything for granted or assume anything, I do not want you or me to do this. It is nice being together. Lets see what happens."

Is this good or bad? I wanted a recommitment...

I responded right away (I know,bad), and asked if we could go to marriage counseling. Here is the response:

"lets just adapt a bit, let me get some time with things as this and for the new year we can do this. i still need to do a lot of thinking, and i still need time on my own. i still need time to myself. i am not saying i will not go to counseling, i will, just give me some space."

And at the same time I'd sent another email, one I never should have sent saying I love him and that I want a fresh start. He emailed back saying things are not alright and I shouldn't assume anything, to slow it down a bit. I replied only that I would try to be more mindful. He sent yet another email "so anyway, this was meant to be positive news so take it as such." I responded that of course he was very right and that I was just surprised to get this email while I was out and hadn't had the chance to think. All quiet now, and he gets home at 11 tonight, so a few hours...

I really don't know how to feel. I know I shouldn't have sent the I love you email, but I thought he was a lot more positive than he seems to be. In one way an acknowledgment of trying qualifies me for piecing but trying is not a recommitment...

Now I am going to have to seem happy and upbeat when H gets home. I don't know how to slow things down. Other than today's email, I have been backed off. I feel pretty wounded, but H thinks he was giving me positive news. Please give me opinions on whether I should be positive about this?

ITH