Is she is or is she ain't (my baby)?

[C_K]

Sleeper

I am with the others here . She will have her tantrums , my W sure does but she soon gives up when they have no effect.

Dave

[sleeper]

So she called again this AM. Funny, she must miss us when she's off with OM. I answered because I have the kids and it's a holiday, if I didn't it would be interpreted as passive-agressive and keeping the kids from her.

[sleeper]

She called again last night. I didn't answer the first call, but answered the second. She said she wanted to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving again and check on the kids.

It's weird how when she's away with OM she has this need to keep contact with us. I think she has called on every trip she has taken.

"I want the best of both worlds," Sammy Haggar

I feel as if I'm winning all the battles but losing the war.

[fisherman]

Every time I hear that song now, It won't be the same.

I feel your pain.

I can't go two or three days without my phone blowing up and with young children she calls at bed time so she knows I'm home. If you don't answer you have a tasmanian devil on your hands.

It is a good thing she is thinking of you a lot, however it's a distorted way of thinking. That song is so true. Pull back more and do a few things out of the ordinary.

Take her temperature so to speak, see how she reacts. It seems like she still wants you and the kids and her own little fantasy world all in one.

It sounds like you get called for anything and everything. OM can't even change a light bulb can he?

[sleeper]

Another battle in the the divorce wars.

X called this AM to talk with kids. I guess that means she missed them while she was gone to OM's parents.

She called later in the day (twice on cell, once at home) while I was at the gym with kids. She then called while was I was driving home. She asked if I was angry with her and said something about not wanting us to be angry with each other, especially during the holidays. She also made some comment about not wanting to hurt anyone (guilt?). I told her I wasn't angry. She wanted to see the kids today under the guise of giving me a "break." I later found out OM was out of pocket at the time.

In the course of the convo finances came up (there are some personal financial things I need to do) I asked her what was the delay in the financials being complete as I have provided everything required by her L (mistake?).

All mlc h*ll broke loose. She began a littanay of how it's my fault this has cost her so much money because I wouldn't use her L (meaning her being the only one with a L) and basically roll over and agree to anything and everything she has demanded. She went on to complain how much money I've cost her because I have stood in the way of her getting a D from me (she wanted me to falsify the date of our separation so we would be D'd more quickly).

I bit my tongue a couple of times but by the end of the rant I had concluded I'm wasting my time entertaining any notions of saving this M.

I also thought this will make going dimmer much easier.

[forward]

Sleeper, your wife has a way to go. She has not had to face the consequences of her actions. You probably do need to finish the divorce.

And you probably do need to go dim--for yourself.

I think you have had a lot of positive signs. She is very attached to you and unwilling to really let go. If you were to behave like a real divorced couple, she would likely be very upset.

If you go dim, you can say it is healthier for you. Because it is. You will not be paying attention to every little thing she does.

Hand the phone to the kids. Tell her you are not mad but you are moving on with your life and you feel it is best to have contact only on critical matters.

You have had a lot of progress; I wouldn't let this upset you too much, but it does seem that it is time to change your approach.

[Purr]

Hi Sleeper,

Sorry to hear you had a rough call with her...Breton's got some good thoughts in the post above, I think!

It's a tricky line you are trying to walk with her, I know...pulling back a little does help to engage her sometimes, but pulling back too much seems to draw her ire, doesn't it?

[frank_D]

I think you have had a lot of positive signs. She is very attached to you and unwilling to really let go. If you were to behave like a real divorced couple, she would likely be very upset.

As she should be. Sleeper fulfills her needs that OM doesn't fulfill. So she gets what SHE needs from both of them while neither get their needs met.

Sleeper, let her go. Drop the rope. She "ain't" your baby. She's nobodys baby really.

This dance keeps you in limbo. Tip the scales and change the dynamic. As long as you want her back, and she KNOWS it, she gets what she wants from you and also from OM.

What are you afraid of?

[fisherman]

Sleeper,

I am struggling with this too.

It's almost like "this is the life" in their distorted way of thinking. Everytime you pull away, you get questioned about being angry or difficult, then comes the trap or arguement that feeds their justification. Don't fall into it.

She will get angry when you pull away. Your not right were she left you. This is were being calm and quiet and showing her kindness no matter what will be tough. You can do it.

I don't know how long her anger will last when you pull away, but the way you act toward her projections will play a part in it.

I go back and forth with this too, you don't want to rock the boat but at the same time the cycle of "best of both worlds" has to be broken, but in a kind way.

[sleeper]

Recent difficulties with X had little to do with her, it was me.

We've been getting along so well I think I let my heart get ahead of my @ss. I'm thinking about putting a big thick rubber band on my wrist and popping myself every time I think about doing something for her as I repeat, "She's not my wife, she's not my wife."

I've already made baby steps for myself. She asked to use my/our ladder today to put lights on her house. I met her at a store to swap kids and thought about taking the ladder to her house as it will no doubt be difficult for her to unload. I decided not to and put the ladder on the top of her car in the parking lot. She can figure it olut and as it turned out she was OK with it.

At one point, "in the middle of the night" (Billy Joel?) I had a little speech planned out to explain to her why I was going to pull away. Today I decided to say nothing about why I'm doing what I'm doing, "just do it" (Nike?). My god, our whole language is turning into one-liners.

The past 24 hours I have been thinking quite a bit about going on a date this week as it might help my attitude and self-confidence. This evening all I want to do is go to the gym. I haven't been able to go the last couple of weeks because of illness and went yesterday. I couldn't go all summer because of a misdiagnosed dislocated shoulder (you may say ouch if you like, I said a lot more over the course of the summer).

X just called. X, kids and OM are putting up lights on the business (a job I've done every year until now). This hurts a little but it has to happen. Last year I put lights on the business and he put lights on her/our house. She called to ask questions as to how I did it in the past and where some of the lights are stored. I answered her questions. Lets see if he can fill my shoes.

On the other hand I guess he's over his fear of doing something that "shows too much commitment".