CL, it all seems so confusing.....you wanting more of a connection before you pursue sex, but it seems to me (from an outsider's viewpoint) that sex would be the link that is missing to make that connection. Guess it's like asking which came first....the chicken or the egg?
Hey CL--I know it's hard, connection without trust is a tricky thing, especially when your nature is to be cautious.
Aud, Jak, and Matilda, Connection without trust, or only partial trust is a tricky thing. I can only hope that at some point, there will be enough connection and trust restored so that the leap of faith into greater intimacy will be possible.
She left the house one evening last week, to run a grocery errand. After about almost an hour, I was wondering if she was going to sleep elsewhere. She did return.
The puppy has put increased joy into the household. He is the child we never had. It has helped my W to cope with her broken toe, and inability to dance.
She is walking without crutches. We're hoping for a return to dancing in about a month. She's going to try a modified yoga class tomorrow, and may try light practice sessions in a few weeks.
I'm trying not to take her mood swings personally. I'm surprised as to how she's able to reconnect after a brief rant. I compare her rants to when our puppy expresses his frustration thru his barking. He's trying to communicate something, yet he's not able to articulate it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Piecing Friends, My W had a meltdown last night. I think the stressors related to her foot injury have caught-up with her.
I too have been feeling the loss of social connection and recreation related to the absence of dancing. We haven't done an adequate job of replacing it with another activity in the interim. We've tried going to dance venues, just to go out, and have left frustrated with the situation and each other.
I slept in the guest room last night, as she seemed to want space from me and the puppy.
I'll review an email she sent earlier in the week regarding household cleaning and yard maintenance that she wants done. She feels like household chores are falling behind, so is calling on me to pick-up the slack. Her mother was not available this week to help assist her.
Saturday is my only day when I'm rested enough to do household chores and run errands.
I'll work on her list today, and request her feedback this weekend. I'll ignore comments that are not constructive. If she wants to escalate her own behavior and emotions, that's up to her.
I went to bed feeling discouraged, but will work on keeping my mind at-ease.
I'm finding it hard to communcate in-person with her. It's a struggle. It's easier to let her talk, and keep quiet. It's best to communicate via email when topics are charged.
She wants me to work on keeping a positive attitude. I think she wants me to be present when I'm with her. I don't know what to do when I'm struggling with my own emotions. I feel obligated to be with her when I'm home from work, but also need space. It's a dilemma.
She did say to call her on it when she's showing a bad attitude. I may take her up on it, at some point, if she seems receptive to it.
I'll work on communication via email, in-person when she's willing, and work on getting my mind at-ease. I'll work on the household items that are important to her, and run errands that are needed. I believe we're invited to a party tonight, so will go and enjoy myself, unless she doesn't want me to go with her.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Your last post left me confused, I wasn't sure what to think, well actually the thought that came into my head was doormat (sorry) but I'm sure that's not the case. But every sentence or paragraph you wrote was about W, what she wanted you to do, or what you were going to do for her in terms of skivvying around. Sorry again, but it was this sentence that did it for me <<I'll work on her list today, and request her feedback this weekend>>.
CL I think your W is crying out for you to take the initiative in all aspects of you R and because you don't she gets angry and frustrated with you and starts shouting. If things need doing around the house you need to spot them and take action. If W is handing out "to do list" then she will see you as a doormat and treat you like one.
Sorry, Sorry, Sorry for that big 4x2 but that's just my take on things.
My W and I need to develop a partnership regarding housecleaning, not in terms of division of labor, but in terms of my W feeling like the household is being managed.
Saturday is my day for housecleaning and running errands. I'm going to start asking her what she thinks is priority, and I will tend to that first. I will often neglect what I didn't know what was a priority for her (ex. keeping the hardwood floors clean, as she likes to walk barefoot).
I hung in there with her during the difficult conversation, answered her honestly, and kept trying to move her towards solutions. Some of her words stung, and I do think she crossed the line with some of her comments, but I think at the core she wants a partner. There was an honesty about the conversation that was connecting for me, even though it was unpleasant.
Piecing is hard work, but I'm up to it.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
It should be more of a partnership. Example, don't ask her what the priority for cleaning is, you should tell her which things you are going to attend to, she will disagree with you then you compromise on a plan of action. So if you say to her I have just washed the windows or I am going to do them, and she says no do the floors first, then agree and do the floors. The subtle difference is you made a decision in the first place and didn't just ask for permission.
CL in you reading my last post you thanked me for my honesty where I intermated that you were letting your W walk over you, but your next post still had the same tone << I'm going to start asking her what she thinks is priority, and I will tend to that first>>
<< CL I think your W is crying out for you to take the initiative in all aspects of you R and because you don't she gets angry and frustrated with you and starts shouting.>>
Sorry I'm just repeating what I said to you before (think about it)
Lanzo, I certainly agree that more self-initiative regarding the M is needed. I don't see a problem with asking her what her priority is for the chore list.
If I start cleaning an area of importance to her, she will often join in or take over. This happened this past weekend.
I've spent many weekends cleaning the house by myself--plenty of self-initiative with little notice from my W. It's important to clean those areas that are causing her stress.
CL
Last edited by Concerned_Listener; 11/25/0801:20 AM.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Happy Thanksgiving to all on the Piecing Forum. Thank you to all who follow my threads and give of their time with their advice and comments.
I don't think self-initiative is the issue for me, so much as it is assertiveness and communication. My reaction to conflict is to take a defensive protective stance (like a turtle). I need to work on speaking-up.
When my W was sleeping elsewhere for many months, I became like a computer that went into sleep mode. I was still running, but not fully operational in the R.
I now need to make a shift and start being present in the R. It will involve having to practice and improve upon skills that were lacking before the crisis and distance.
In my case, it will involve speaking-up when needed, and being present when I'm with my W. As Lanzo has noted, I must learn to use power in the M, and not become a passive partner, who only tries to meet his W's needs, and neglect my own.
I can do this in my own style. It is a matter of having the courage to speak-up.
During a conversation last week, when my W was sharing her disappointments about recent past events, I took the opportunity to tell her about how she is disrespectful towards me in public sometimes. She wanted to defend herself, and minimize it, but I wouldn't accept it. My guess is that my words registered.
It felt good to state my complaint to her, and ask that her frustrations with me stay private.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Concerned, I was just wondering if you have always been afraid to speak up,shy or just afraid of upsetting people or confrontation or is it just with your wife you have this trouble. Maybe you have tried counselling to be more assertive.
Women tend to like a mix of strength and vunerability. Yes we are hard to please at times.
