God grant me the patience and the strength...9

[theotherhalf]

Thanks Dawn, sending you peace and (((Dawn))) too.
TOH

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH:

I would say that it is not all bad news. Your H went back to his place, to think, be alone which he needs, and he said he does not have ow.

One year in MLC time is not that long.

My h has been gone for over two years mixed in with about 8 weeks of being back home.

There will be times when you realize based on his moods, that you are thankful he has somewhere to go and not have his bad moods affect everyone in your household.

[Andabelle]

I'm sorry TOH, that hurts. But you handled it really well, said all the right things. His mind is not made up, so this it ain't over yet. You done good.

[theotherhalf]

Thanks MWG and Andabelle,
At least this time he didn't say he was NOT coming home. More like he was maybe...

My worry is that if he goes back there and goes back to the old MLC ways of drinking and drounding the troubles, nothing will change.

[MidwesternGirl]

The drinking is like a drug. To get rid of the pain he covers it up by drinking so he can forget his problems. This could go on for quite some time and until he comes to the realization and admits to himself what he has done/is doing.

[theotherhalf]

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
Hope you all have a wonderful day filled with good food, love, and happiness....
Love, TOH

[theotherhalf]

Thursday was depressing. I spent the day with my family. It was okay, but as usual no matter where I go, what I do, who I am with, something is missing...

In the evening I went to H's family. It was okay but again, doesn't feel right. H was in kind of a mood, I just avoided him mostly.

I am thankful for my kids and my health, there isn't much more than that these days.

Friday rolled around I had to work. The day was long and boring. I got home and H and BIL were over at the other place hauling manure. They worked till almost dark. They then came and were here for just a little bit. Then left for town. I was crushed. Can't help it. Here I sit with no money. I am on probation so I am limited at what I can do and where I can go. I have no one. And H continues to go and do whatever he wants, wherever he wants, etc...and the cycle continues. He SAYS he's trying to figure out what he wants. Then he goes and drinks and plays etc. It's been a long time since I've said anything to him, and I couldn't hold it any longer. I called him and told him we needed to talk. He said he'd call me later.

I said many things. (I waisted my breath) He talked some. I think we were both honest with each other. I spent the night at his place. He slept on the couch I in his bed. He came out to farm Saturday. Spent most of the day here. Then home to his place. Later in the evening he called and asked me if him and BIL could come out. They did. They spent the night. H on the couch me in my bed. He stayed all day and night yesterday and to work this morning.

We'll see...

[a new 2moro]

goes back to the old MLC ways

he never left them...

but as usual no matter where I go, what I do, who I am with, something is missing...

this sounds like a pity party not GAL'ing....make the best of it instead of bring the festivities down

He SAYS he's trying to figure out what he wants. Then he goes and drinks and plays etc.

he did and is doing what HE wants to do

your H is behavior is what i saw in the 1st 6 months after the bomb with my H. Hes still stuck in the same spot partly because you wont leave him alone.....

[glamgirl]

TOH it seems to me you are trying to push your h into talking having a R with you. You say, you wasted your breath. Yes, that is what we have been trying to say.

You just need to bite your tongue and leave it all alone. Let your h be, let him do what he wants, let him think, just leave him alone rather than wonder what he is doing and say h we need to talk.

What is it that you need to talk about. Nothing really. Since nothing has changed. It won't change until you allow him to go through this crisis on his own.

It seems this is very hard for you, but once you get it I think you will find out that your life is so much easier and peaceful. You will only be worrying about yourself.

[Bworl]

I'm just going to say this, even though I'm not sure that you are in the place yet where you can truly "get" it.

Cliche's are sometimes cliches simply because people use the expression too much. Other times they are cliches because there is a fundamental truth to them.

If you truly love someone(thing) set it free. If he does not return, he was never truly yours. If he does, you will know it is because he wants to be there.


I honestly believe that you will never see your husband truly move back in your direction until you finally reach the point where you have given up and let him go - FOR REAL. Until you reach the point where you have finally chosen to live life for you and give up existing on the scraps that are sent your way...until you value yourself as a person more than yourself as a spouse to this man...until you reach the point that you believe, truly believe that TOH can and will have an extraordinary life with or without your husband...I see little chance for movement.

Whether consciously or not, this man KNOWS that you are his. He KNOWS that you are going nowhere, that you are CAPABLE of going nowhere without him. And it is THIS knowledge that allows him to continue wandering, bouncing from here to there, trying this and that, with little concern that he is perhaps giving up something that will turn out to have been of great value to him.

We all loved our spouses deeply. We all cherished our married life and intended/expected it to last forever. And each of us learned through our own experiences and those of others on this board, that sometimes a person walks away from those promises.

Sometimes forever.

Sometimes for a season.

Your life MUST go on without him. You shortchange yourself by continuing to believe that you CANNOT live without him. You devalue your own worth as a person by believing that without him your life is somehow permanently disabled.

No one should allow another person to have that kind of weight in their life.

Once again, we ALL loved our spouses deeply. But eventually we came to realize that remaining static, trying to continue our lives like they were before our spouse checked out, that this kind of life is not really a life at all.

It is being stuck.

You succeed at this DB'ing stuff NOT only by restoring your marriage. You succeed when you find yourself and begin traveling down the road of becoming the person you once knew you were capable of becoming, with or without your spouse.


The door does not have to close.

You can choose to leave it open a crack. But you don't have to spend your days staring at the crack, waiting to see if he is finally going to emerge from it.


But you can't PLAY this get a life stuff. You have to actually do it. Make plans. Make decisions. Stop involving yourself in HIS things and start finding your OWN things.


Money is not an excuse. Neither is probation. Because this is NOT a material thing. It's an attitude and a life choice. One that you are capable of making if you so choose.


How amazed would your husband be to one day realize that he never hears from you anymore. How amazed would he be to find that you no longer invite him to dinner, that you no longer ask to be involved in the things he is doing. Wouldn't that at least carry the potential to make him think for a minute.


And again, if he never comes back even with all that, he was never yours to begin with.


Blessings,

Bill