Key to the Highway

[fightingirish]

((((nc))) Im with lwb on this... You've got to stop thinking your such a bad father... these boys are going through a divorce on top of which their mother is obviously doing her ownn dirty work on them regarding you. The answer is not to fold and get out of their life al together. You are their Father first and foremost.. kids act out.. this happens, this absoutely does not mean they don't need you.

They do. MOre than you realize.

and when they do grow up, they will realize just how good of a father you were during this time.

Im worried about you. If ad's is what you need right now, go to the dr.s and talk about it. Please do this for yourself please.

I wish there was some other kind of words of wisdom to give you , only that I do care and I don't like hearing how depressed you are.

****hugs****

[NoCodeBlues]

I appreciate everyone's concern. I know this is a particularly bad bout of depression. If it were not for my faith in Jesus Christ right now, I know for certain I wouldn't make it. So even though I feel pretty down this week, especially with the holidays and my D looming so close, I have been finding a measure of peace in talking with my Lord and seeking His guidance.

Yesterday and today I have been stewing over another curt little email from W. I wouldn't normally reply, but this one warrants one.

<her L> said you agreed to sign the draft of the sep agreement that will be filed & that you have received them. I feel like when the divorce is final you will finally stop trying to shame me into not divorcing you. <S7> said you told him God hates divorce & the only reason in the Bible for it is the hardness of peoples hearts. I told him I hate it too, but stuff happens all the time that we don't like & I love him bunches.... I DIDN'T say what the truth is that Daddy's hard, cold attitude toward me had alot to do with the current hardness of my heart toward him & that when he puts his innocent children in the middle it makes my heart harder & very angry. I won't be poisoning them against you.

Thank you for agreeing to sign the papers. See you at the YMCA at 5pm for our conference with <YMCA program director>.

I'm not sure what she's talking about regarding the papers -- I have heard nothing from my L in nearly two weeks.

I considered the following text to send to W in reply, but I feel it is too strongly worded. <I HAVE NOT SENT THIS YET> See what you think:

You say you won't be poisoning the children against me? But your actions and your attitude all say otherwise. You already have been alienating my children from me, over and over, for too long now. And I fear the consequences of that have been made manifest in our sons behaviors of late.

Again, you try to turn this around completely on me, but we both know the hardness of heart that Jesus spoke of, especially regarding Divorce, refers to your cold, hardened heart as evidenced by your newfound embracing of Worldly values.

The point is you still presume to know me, the cut of my character, the measure of my soul. You perceive my actions in the worst light you can possibly muster, and continue to thus make unfounded pronouncements about what I am thinking or feeling.

You have been wrong about me all along. You have continually misjudged me for many years, especially now.

Even now you think I am trying to shame you into not divorcing me. But you refuse to hear me when I have said that I can no longer oppose you in that. Oh, I do indeed continue to stand against Divorce and all the ills it wreaks on its victims, especially having witnessed it myself. But I long ago realized I can't stop you. One cannot control someone else, and it is pure folly to try. It is work enough alone for one to control one's self, let alone others.

So for the record, I will neither promote nor hinder your madness.

And at the same time I will maintain my stance against Divorce, for the sake of our sons if nothing else. We -- you and I -- both made a promise together at the outset of our relationship to break this cycle of divorce in our families. It matters not your petty rationale for now reneging and ending our marriage. But for the sake of our sons, I will hold fast to that pledge we both made: if the cycle won't end with you or me, I will, at the least, guide our sons to end this curse in their generation, God willing.

As such, I will guard our sons against the jaded, worldly notion that one can "normalize" Divorce and Adultery. They will know that Divorce was never in God's intention. They will know that God hates divorce and for the very reasons our sons can see plainly for themselves -- how it destroys the family and wrecks the lives of the innocent children, all for the foolish vanities and the misplaced sense of entitlement of one or both parents.

No, you again misjudge me -- I am sorry, but if you perceive a "cold, hard attitude" towards you, as you put it, it is for their sake and is leveled at your actions and behaviors. It is garnered from many months, years now, of witnessing this continual injury against me, against our sons, against our family, against the ideals and values we once shared and against the soul of the woman I loved.

When we are finally divorced, I will no longer give a care to what you do in your own privacy -- as long as no shred of it ever touches our sons lives. What is truly private must be kept private. I will not tolerate the actions of you or your cohorts to undermine the spiritual and moral foundation we're trying to establish for Liam and Nathan's lives, either through overt words or actions or through subtle blurring of the lines between Right and Wrong. You know what I'm talking about.

And if you truly do love your children as much or more than your own pleasures, then this cold, selfish drive to alienate our children from me, their father, will stop

I know this is already a long post, but I wanted to say that at this point I don't know what I can say to my W. I don't know whether to just not respond to her anymore at all, or -- since that never seemed to help in the past -- to let her have it "with both barrels". I am realistic to know at this point that there is nothing I can say to avert her from the D -- I already know it to be useless for me to try to shame or otherwise convince her to stay this D. That's not my chief concern right now anyway. My concern is that she continues to malign me and my character, if not to my sons faces then indirectly through others and by her disrespectful actions towards me.

Even worse, she objects to my moral guidance to our sons where we differ in our convictions. She and her consorts are trying to poison my kids' minds into thinking that D and A are not only normal but a desirable and laudable sacrifice to be made. I know this to be an affront on the very moral system our children need. The current conflict between W and I boils down to this one all-important moral disagreement.

I wonder if even that is a lost cause. Can she be so unloving towards them that she would whitewash her own actions by trying to pervert the truth -- by saying a sin is not a sin? I understand she might fear that the consequences might very well be the loss of respect from her sons. But would that be any worse than perverting her children's moral compass and potentially damning then to the same fate?

I don't know what to do.

[lovelyolive]

NoCode,
I have recently simply "decided" not to respond to stbxh's venom. I prefer not to defend myself when he lays into me about what a bad wife I was. I have told him not to start any R talk and I do not either. I do not "Bible thump" him (his words) because it is his walk with God and not mine.

Teach your sons what you want them to learn from you about morals and integrity. Your teachings of what is right and wrong can certainly supercede your stbxw's version of what is sin and what is not. Worry about you and your sons.. not her.. Don't respond to her..

[karen43]

I'm sorry to hear that NC, will keep you in my prayers. It's pretty sad/enraging that the WAS don't see the damage they do to kids just to get their way.

Enraging definitely.

NC, first of all a 3 year old marking up a bookcase with crayons and marker? What 3 year old hasn't done that??? I think that's kind of an age where they are actively "exploring" a lot. And yeah, your S7 is probably going through a hard time just like my son. I've read several books on autistic spectrum kids and they all say that routine, stability, consistency are so important. And they don't have that now like they did before. So they act out. It's to be expected from what I've read. Your boys need you to be the stable rock in their lives that's always available to them. Yeah, my kids see me as the boring mom who's always there and their Dad is the exciting rock star that comes in 1 1/2 days a week and takes them to the movies and buys them toys. But I think when looking back, they will appreciate me being there for them, not able to spend lots of $$ on them, but just being there. And it will be like that with your boys as well.

Karen

[fightingirish]

((((nc))))


I wish I could tell you to send it or not to send it. Its tricky, but honestly what do you have to lose at this point. If you feel strongly that you need to tell her these things, then do it. These are your honest thoughts, and honestly is never wrong. Especially since she is he$$ bent on divorce.

Im so sorry for you and your boys, you are a wonderful father and must concentrate on that, and ditto karen.. boys do things like this.. and considering what is going on, this is not major.

I hope you try and have a good thanksgiving..

My thoughts are with you.

[mcojh]

NC-
IMHO, sened it. In the grand scheme of things, what is the worst that can happen? She will continue to move forward and divorce you? I think that is a foregone conclusion at this point. If it will help give you peace....send it.

Now about you and your depression.....First and foremost, get to the doctor and get the ADs. Secondly, quit wallowing and acknowledging that your life is in the crapper. I know where you are coming from and how it feels. But until you tell yourself that you are going to try to make every second of your life better than the one before, you are going to be stuck.

Forget about the bad and concentrate on the blessings in your life brother.

Have a great Thanksgiving.....believe it or not you have lots to be thankful for.

[NoCodeBlues]

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

I sit here alone for the first Thanksgiving I can ever recall. And yet I can say that it is not nearly as bad as one would think. Even though I happen to know that OM got to sit down to dinner with W, with my two little boys present, while I am alone, I am somewhat surprised to find that I am in unusually good spirits.

Part of that might be that I went ahead and sent W a toned-down revisal of the letter, making it more concise. Even in its shortened less abrasive form I have no doubt it will not be received well by W. But I am not worried about that any longer. I feel I can say my peace now without feeling imprisoned by her slant on the truth, and it is a load off my mind.

And then today I roasted an absolutely splendid turkey breast (Cajun style, hoooooo, boy!) and had cornbread dressing and all the trimmings. (I forgot to fix a dessert though -- going to have to attend to that, even though I need to watch my weight better.) I have a ton of leftovers to feed my two boys when I get them tomorrow, plus lots of meat for sandwiches. (Wish my freezer was bigger.)

So all in all I had a very satisfying holiday meal. And I sat down to the table and held a very long and solemn prayer, an extended blessing to give thanks for all that the Lord Almighty has given me and my family. I do have a lot to be thankful for.

I am thankful for my two sons. And I am thankful for the love we share.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for our health.
I am thankful for my friends -- all of my friends, those locally and those that I talk to via the ether.
I am thankful for having food, a car, a job and the means to take care of myself and my kids.
I am thankful that we live in a relatively peaceful country.
I am thankful for my time here on this planet.
I am thankful for my renewed walk with God, that I was able to reorder my life's priorities before it was too late.
I am thankful that I have finally found out the true nature of the woman I thought I had married, and that it was not another 5, 10 or 15 years before her true colors came out.
I am thankful for the freedom I have from a person who would take and take from me while giving so little in return. I am thankful just knowing that some day the blood-sucking will finally come to an end.
I am thankful for the peace that comes of solitude, that for the first time in a long time I can sit and think and meditate without someone constantly busting my chops.
I am thankful that I can now follow my creative spark without being made to feel guilty and to do so on my own terms, not someone else's.
I am thankful to know that however bad it gets in this life, I can always be sure that it will eventually get far better.
And I am thankful for the gift that is my Lord Jesus Christ.

[karen43]

Happy Thanksgiving NC!!! Hope you're having a good day. This was my first holiday without the kids, so a little sad. But you might want to do what I did this year which is to volunteer with my church (or other churches if your's doesn't have that) but volunteering to do Thanksgiving dinner for the poor/homeless people in town. It was the most wonderful day to spend Thanksgiving, b/c everyone there just had the true spirit. I met some people from church I didn't know, and some friends were there. It was nice.

My vote if you haven't already sent the email is to not send it. I think that's what W is predicting, expecting, asking for, all that. A 180 would be for you not to react to her provocation I think. Also I'm sorry but I don't think your email will in any way get your W to think about her actions, but more likely she'll be thinking "there's his cold, hard attitude coming out again" which I know is not the case and not your intent but will be your W's perception I think. If you did already send it, then no biggie, I don't think it will change anything in your sitch really. But just my 2 cents.

I was just talking to somebody yesterday about how we've learned about priorities with this. I was def. putting my kids first, maybe God and my H a tie for second, and me last. In future I would like to make God first, and any future H before my kids, and also give some to myself also. I realize I need GALing time and some me time and everything. Having breaks lately has been a really good thing. Karen

[LL44]

And yet I can say that it is not nearly as bad as one would think

So all in all I had a very satisfying holiday meal

I do have a lot to be thankful for.

nocode, how wonderful that you could make yourself a nice meal and enjoy it. I am very proud of you.

Your list of things that you are thankful for was wonderful to read. Made me feel warmth, made me realize just what a wonderful person you truly are. Made me realize that you cannot give up on yourself or your sons. Keep your faith tucked right next to you and you can get through this.

[NoCodeBlues]

Thanks, Karen, Lwb,

Yes, I did indeed have a great Thanksgiving weekend. I've had my S's since Friday morning and we've had some good quality time together.

One thing came up this (Sunday) morning. S7 tried to tell me about a conversation he had with W. He said W and he had a conversation about how I will use corporal punishment (spanking) if our kids behavior escalates into worse and worse degrees. He was very gingerly bringing up the subject out of fear of what this might do to me in a custody proceeding.

I sat S7 down and talked it over with him, asking him a series of rhetorical questions. I told him I loved him and his little brother so very much that I cannot rule out corporal measures to discipline them. I explained to him that my intent is to never seriously hurt either of them but to get them to understand the magnitude of their transgression at the given time. As such, I told him, even though it truly pains me to ever have to raise my hand so, I have no regrets for anything I have done, since I do it for their sake.

(Some here may be of the opinion that traditional means of disciplining children is too cruel or humane. If sorry, but I am sorry if that happens to offend you. I do love two boys,)

I'm not sure from what S7's shy words just what sort of angle W is actually playing off this information for, although I can hazard a guess.

---

I finished up Steinbeck's "East of Eden" today. It has been while since I last read it, and this time the events and conflicts are so much more close to home. It has had me pondering things all weekend. But I'll say more on this later.