The bookshelf doesn't need to be perfect

[kelaaron]

Good morning all and Happy Thanksgiving!

MT-I don't know if hearing about my day will be all that interesting but....

As you guys know, I have been doing alot of growing, thinking, and changing within myself over these last few months, with some major changes these last few weeks. In many ways H and I are growing further apart and in many ways we are getting closer. To be honest, I'm really ok with all of it. I like being his friend. I like that he is talking to me about things he would always just keep to himself. I also like that I feel much more relaxed and free within myself.

So yesterday the day started out quiet. I was cooking things for today. We talked about poor kitty, Baby. He was in a dog fight last week, I managed to clean up the massive hole in his leg and get that healed. (Pretty normal for my Baby.) But he is still limping and his leg looks kinda funny now. H decided that he should go to vet. I made appt, then was finishing a pillow and broke the needle on the sewing maching. Didn't have another one, so I asked H if he would go to store for cat carrier (the squirrel ate through the last one) and a needle for the machine since I was cooking. Before he left, he commented that the stuffing smelled really good. I told him if he picked up a second ham, I would cook it for dinner and save the other for Christmas since he is working today. He said he would. So he called me 3 times from the store. One to confirm the right needle, one to see what kind of ham to get, one about a movie to watch last night.

When he came home, I took kitty to vet. Poor thing has a dislocated ankle, which is better than the hip IMO, but now has to go see a specialist over an hour away to have surgery to either repair or amputate. Guess he won't be chasing anymore pitbulls LOL. He also has a lump on his thyroid that I now have to watch. God, they get old just like us. So 200 at the vet yesterday, 100 for the specialist consult and who knows for the surgery. H and I just joked that maybe we will both be working everyday for a while. As I was getting ready to make dinner, H said "don't make this special for me, only if you were going to make it anyway." DUH I always make him a ham on the holidays because he doesn't like turkey so it is always special for him. Idiot. But whatever. My girl BG called while I was preparing ham for the rotisserie. I thought for sure I would get it after I got off of the phone, H is a little wierd about people calling me and someone he doesn't know is always worse unless it is something for work (just since MLC started 2 1/2 years ago). Well amazingly, not a word. Didn't even ask who it was. Boy was I relieved. As I was cooking, H told me his dad called him the other day. I was surprised that his dad called and surprised that he told me. I asked how is he, H said I didn't answer but he sounded really old and frail on the msg. (The man is only 53, yes 17 years older than us). I don't know if I'm going to call him back. I said why, H said, he couldn't call to tell me he was having surgery. FIL had back surgery in Aug and we found out afterwards from aunt. I told H I knew that bothered you. He said yea, so I don't know if I want to talk to him anymore. Hallelujah!!! I have been waiting to hear those words for almost 10 years. I could never understand why H bothered with the man.

But it also makes me sad. H is not speaking with M. I tried for years and years with that R until last year. I'm really sorry, but being accused of trying to kill my H from her was my last straw with the woman who had been one of my best friends for almost 18 years at the time, depression or not. There was no reason for her to say the things she said to me. The things she said to my H or the things she did to my S. So I ended that R for me. I told H that whatever he did with his mother is up to him. The bad part about that for me is that H would probably not have talked to her at all over the last 18+ years if I hadn't kept the R going. So now H thinks he is done with FIL as well. He tried with his F, who hadn't been around too much when he was a kid and when he was it was just a mess. But as an adult, H really tried to have a R with his dad. What S doesn't want that? And I knew in August that not getting a call before or after his father went in for back surgery, especially considering the man is terribly ill to begin with and could have died under the anestesia, was a terrible blow to my H. A slap in the face and a reminder that his father doesn't give a crap about him. He never has IMO which is why I tolerated the man for H sake. So H has now pretty much written his entire family off. He will be polite if they contact, but I know he won't reach out to any of them. That really has always been my job anyway.

It hurts my heart, but I can completly understand what he is doing and his reasons for it. And I can't say I would do any different in his shoes. I think it is actually a part of his healing. Unfortunately, I know that closing the door on me is also a part of his healing. But I am really getting ok with it. I understand his reasons for it too. He doesn't want to hurt anymore and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I may be losing a H but I think I am gaining a friend. I don't know if he will change his mind. I think if he does, it will be a long way down the road. But one of the things I have come to over these last few months is a detachment and an acceptance. As I see more of the underlying stuff coming out (as he actually talks to me) the more I realize that this really is something he needs to work out for himself. In his own time. And he really is trying. So I am here, as his friend. To listen when he wants to drop something on me and to cry silently inside as I see all of his pain when he says nothing to me. I am probably the only person that he tells even the littlest bit of his real feelings to. I know he didn't tell any of the OW anything that is impt to him. When he says that, I know it is true, cuz I know H even if I question other things he has said about them.

So I feel like I'm starting a new journey myself right now, along with the rest of you. Not quite as dramatic I must say, but after this last year, I'm over the drama anyway. I don't know exactly where it will take me, although I have an idea of where it will end. And if it does, it will be a beautiful wonderful and very rewarding ending for me. It is something I am looking forward to. I have learned that I really need some peace in my life, I haven't had that for almost 30 years and it's about time. And I'm not afraid anymore. A few days ago I couldn't have said that. I wouldn't have made it through the last several months without you guys and I definately would not be where I am now. So on this Thanksgiving Day, I give thanks to you and for you. Now it is time to go check on the Turkey. Have a bright and beautiful day!!! We all deserve it.

[AliSuddenly]

Wow Kel, thats huge. This is real endings isnt it this week, pluto shifted, death and rebirth stuff. Sad that he will have no connection now with his Mum or Dad, but as you say, a long time overdue. Is he having IC?

I was amazed what you said here, it really hit home as its exactly how I feel/know about my ex

"So I am here, as his friend. To listen when he wants to drop something on me and to cry silently inside as I see all of his pain when he says nothing to me. I am probably the only person that he tells even the littlest bit of his real feelings to. I know he didn't tell any of the OW anything that is impt to him. When he says that, I know it is true"

I couldnt have put it better myself. So I empathise and applaud you for being there for him.

So, I was a bit perplexed by the end of yuor post and I wondered what you meant by it. You said
"I don't know exactly where it will take me, although I have an idea of where it will end. And if it does, it will be a beautiful wonderful and very rewarding ending for me. It is something I am looking forward to. I have learned that I really need some peace in my life, I haven't had that for almost 30 years and it's about time. And I'm not afraid anymore."

..you are ok? Do you mean that you may D and be single? And you are ok with that? As you seem to be listing quite alot of positives in terms of your H phoning and opening up to you, but then you also accept that he has to leave you in order to fix himself? Just wanted to check you are ok as it sounded a little mysterious!

Priya was pretty upset, all that Pluto at 29'59'' Sag stuff was remarkable. Seems there have been a few 'endings' on the boards too I have noticed, or people working through realising stuff, so maybe internal endings. Me too.
Al x

[kelaaron]

Ali,

I am ok. Yes there are positives with H. But not enough yet to make me see a different ending with him other than D. But I am ok with that. Some things I have really had to do is be honest with myself about WHERE I want to be in the future. If D is the result of everything we are going through here, then I will be able to do what I want to in that respect. I have a lot of things to finish before I can take that step. I have to complete school to get to the who and the what I want to do and get my S through his teen years. So the where is really for me the final step in my journey. I have floundered for years about where I want to live, New England or Florida, and that has caused me to kinda not focus on any of my own goals other than S. Then a few years ago, I realized it was neither of those places. I approached H at the time, but it is not for him. I can accept that if we are together it is somewhere I will have to be content to visit, but that is not really what I want. It is somewhere I would love to go with H, but it is not a step on our path together and I know that too. And I really am ok with it. When I do get to this place, my heart will be content. I will be able to have what I want and need. Room for an animal rescue, which is something I have wanted to pursure, but decided to delay until S is grown. Snow, mountains, clean air and water. Just surrounded by beauty and that is what calls to my heart.

And yes Ali, I really do think H has to follow his own path to really fix himself. Everything he needs to heal, with his family, his past, I am in many ways just a painful reminder to him of all of it. I remind him that what he thought would make all of that better for him, didn't. So right now, he has to do that. All I have ever really wanted for him was for his pain to be healed. A part of me will always be hopeful that he will find his way back to me, but I can't live my life on hold waiting for it to happen. It took him a very long time to be strong enough within himself to take this step. He has tried to do it every other way he knows how and it hasn't worked. So, if this is what he has to do, I have to love him enough to accept it. And to be honest, right now, the only reason he is telling me anything at all is because there is the distance between us. It allows him that safety to say what he needs to. As he heals, I can only hope that he realizes that he does not have to keep everyone at arms length.

I'm not going anywhere yet or even ready to file. You asked about single. To be honest with you, I haven't been single since I was fourteen. So I really don't think I will be single for long if we do D. In my heart right now, I think I might feel a little single if that is a way to describe it. Whatever you want to call it, it is kinda nice.

[MT35]

Morning Kel! WOW, I found it pretty interesting! You are in a good place, and I can feel that there is some peace for you. I hope that you are, and have a good day today. I am thankful for a friend that I have in you!! Happy Thanksgiving!

[kelaaron]

MT-I'm glad you found it interesting. Kinda sounds a little boring to me. But you know in the last couple months, I've vented, posted, cried, laughed and shared a whole bunch of myself that has been buried and hidden for so long cuz I was really afraid to look at myself and to allow myself to heal. I kept telling myself I was, all of these years over things, but I wasn't. Not until recently. Yes there will be off days I'm sure, but for me the biggest thing has been fear. Fear of trusting myself enough to take care of me. So I have taken care of everyone else. And I must say, I am a GREAT mommy, to everyone. If I had followed my heart the first time I would have been where I want, or near it anyway, 18 years ago. But I was scared. And ever since, I have not known how to get there. But I'm not scared anymore. Right now for me, that is where I need to be within myself.

[kelaaron]

And guys please don't ask. Only one person knows how much this really means to me and the where and what not and I don't want to share it with anyone else. Not right now. If life takes a turn and I don't end up there, which means I will remain M, then I will be buried there and that will just have to be good enough. LOL

[MT35]

Hey Kel, Just checking to see how your Turkey day was?

[kelaaron]

My turkey day was good until I found out that my step grandfather (20 years in my life) is in the hospital. He had a stroke a few years ago, is bed bound, has had several smaller strokes since then and now has a bowel obstruction of some sort, stomach hard, bloated and full of bile. They are draining through a tube in his nose which he keeps pulling out so now he is drugged up to keep from hurting himself until they decide if he will survive surgery or not.

Otherwise very very calm and peaceful. But I need this week to be over cuz I"m having withdrawl symptoms.

[MT35]

Very sorry about your Step GF, that is too bad. Glad the rest of the day was good! Love you! Thanks!

I am just closing the windows, it was great weather out today! They are calling for flurries for Sunday! I will send them your way!

[kelaaron]

Good morning girls, love you all.