I am ok. Yes there are positives with H. But not enough yet to make me see a different ending with him other than D. But I am ok with that. Some things I have really had to do is be honest with myself about WHERE I want to be in the future. If D is the result of everything we are going through here, then I will be able to do what I want to in that respect. I have a lot of things to finish before I can take that step. I have to complete school to get to the who and the what I want to do and get my S through his teen years. So the where is really for me the final step in my journey. I have floundered for years about where I want to live, New England or Florida, and that has caused me to kinda not focus on any of my own goals other than S. Then a few years ago, I realized it was neither of those places. I approached H at the time, but it is not for him. I can accept that if we are together it is somewhere I will have to be content to visit, but that is not really what I want. It is somewhere I would love to go with H, but it is not a step on our path together and I know that too. And I really am ok with it. When I do get to this place, my heart will be content. I will be able to have what I want and need. Room for an animal rescue, which is something I have wanted to pursure, but decided to delay until S is grown. Snow, mountains, clean air and water. Just surrounded by beauty and that is what calls to my heart.
And yes Ali, I really do think H has to follow his own path to really fix himself. Everything he needs to heal, with his family, his past, I am in many ways just a painful reminder to him of all of it. I remind him that what he thought would make all of that better for him, didn't. So right now, he has to do that. All I have ever really wanted for him was for his pain to be healed. A part of me will always be hopeful that he will find his way back to me, but I can't live my life on hold waiting for it to happen. It took him a very long time to be strong enough within himself to take this step. He has tried to do it every other way he knows how and it hasn't worked. So, if this is what he has to do, I have to love him enough to accept it. And to be honest, right now, the only reason he is telling me anything at all is because there is the distance between us. It allows him that safety to say what he needs to. As he heals, I can only hope that he realizes that he does not have to keep everyone at arms length.
I'm not going anywhere yet or even ready to file. You asked about single. To be honest with you, I haven't been single since I was fourteen. So I really don't think I will be single for long if we do D. In my heart right now, I think I might feel a little single if that is a way to describe it. Whatever you want to call it, it is kinda nice.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
