The bookshelf doesn't need to be perfect

[kelaaron]

Good morning all and Happy Thanksgiving!

MT-I don't know if hearing about my day will be all that interesting but....

As you guys know, I have been doing alot of growing, thinking, and changing within myself over these last few months, with some major changes these last few weeks. In many ways H and I are growing further apart and in many ways we are getting closer. To be honest, I'm really ok with all of it. I like being his friend. I like that he is talking to me about things he would always just keep to himself. I also like that I feel much more relaxed and free within myself.

So yesterday the day started out quiet. I was cooking things for today. We talked about poor kitty, Baby. He was in a dog fight last week, I managed to clean up the massive hole in his leg and get that healed. (Pretty normal for my Baby.) But he is still limping and his leg looks kinda funny now. H decided that he should go to vet. I made appt, then was finishing a pillow and broke the needle on the sewing maching. Didn't have another one, so I asked H if he would go to store for cat carrier (the squirrel ate through the last one) and a needle for the machine since I was cooking. Before he left, he commented that the stuffing smelled really good. I told him if he picked up a second ham, I would cook it for dinner and save the other for Christmas since he is working today. He said he would. So he called me 3 times from the store. One to confirm the right needle, one to see what kind of ham to get, one about a movie to watch last night.

When he came home, I took kitty to vet. Poor thing has a dislocated ankle, which is better than the hip IMO, but now has to go see a specialist over an hour away to have surgery to either repair or amputate. Guess he won't be chasing anymore pitbulls LOL. He also has a lump on his thyroid that I now have to watch. God, they get old just like us. So 200 at the vet yesterday, 100 for the specialist consult and who knows for the surgery. H and I just joked that maybe we will both be working everyday for a while. As I was getting ready to make dinner, H said "don't make this special for me, only if you were going to make it anyway." DUH I always make him a ham on the holidays because he doesn't like turkey so it is always special for him. Idiot. But whatever. My girl BG called while I was preparing ham for the rotisserie. I thought for sure I would get it after I got off of the phone, H is a little wierd about people calling me and someone he doesn't know is always worse unless it is something for work (just since MLC started 2 1/2 years ago). Well amazingly, not a word. Didn't even ask who it was. Boy was I relieved. As I was cooking, H told me his dad called him the other day. I was surprised that his dad called and surprised that he told me. I asked how is he, H said I didn't answer but he sounded really old and frail on the msg. (The man is only 53, yes 17 years older than us). I don't know if I'm going to call him back. I said why, H said, he couldn't call to tell me he was having surgery. FIL had back surgery in Aug and we found out afterwards from aunt. I told H I knew that bothered you. He said yea, so I don't know if I want to talk to him anymore. Hallelujah!!! I have been waiting to hear those words for almost 10 years. I could never understand why H bothered with the man.

But it also makes me sad. H is not speaking with M. I tried for years and years with that R until last year. I'm really sorry, but being accused of trying to kill my H from her was my last straw with the woman who had been one of my best friends for almost 18 years at the time, depression or not. There was no reason for her to say the things she said to me. The things she said to my H or the things she did to my S. So I ended that R for me. I told H that whatever he did with his mother is up to him. The bad part about that for me is that H would probably not have talked to her at all over the last 18+ years if I hadn't kept the R going. So now H thinks he is done with FIL as well. He tried with his F, who hadn't been around too much when he was a kid and when he was it was just a mess. But as an adult, H really tried to have a R with his dad. What S doesn't want that? And I knew in August that not getting a call before or after his father went in for back surgery, especially considering the man is terribly ill to begin with and could have died under the anestesia, was a terrible blow to my H. A slap in the face and a reminder that his father doesn't give a crap about him. He never has IMO which is why I tolerated the man for H sake. So H has now pretty much written his entire family off. He will be polite if they contact, but I know he won't reach out to any of them. That really has always been my job anyway.

It hurts my heart, but I can completly understand what he is doing and his reasons for it. And I can't say I would do any different in his shoes. I think it is actually a part of his healing. Unfortunately, I know that closing the door on me is also a part of his healing. But I am really getting ok with it. I understand his reasons for it too. He doesn't want to hurt anymore and he doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I may be losing a H but I think I am gaining a friend. I don't know if he will change his mind. I think if he does, it will be a long way down the road. But one of the things I have come to over these last few months is a detachment and an acceptance. As I see more of the underlying stuff coming out (as he actually talks to me) the more I realize that this really is something he needs to work out for himself. In his own time. And he really is trying. So I am here, as his friend. To listen when he wants to drop something on me and to cry silently inside as I see all of his pain when he says nothing to me. I am probably the only person that he tells even the littlest bit of his real feelings to. I know he didn't tell any of the OW anything that is impt to him. When he says that, I know it is true, cuz I know H even if I question other things he has said about them.

So I feel like I'm starting a new journey myself right now, along with the rest of you. Not quite as dramatic I must say, but after this last year, I'm over the drama anyway. I don't know exactly where it will take me, although I have an idea of where it will end. And if it does, it will be a beautiful wonderful and very rewarding ending for me. It is something I am looking forward to. I have learned that I really need some peace in my life, I haven't had that for almost 30 years and it's about time. And I'm not afraid anymore. A few days ago I couldn't have said that. I wouldn't have made it through the last several months without you guys and I definately would not be where I am now. So on this Thanksgiving Day, I give thanks to you and for you. Now it is time to go check on the Turkey. Have a bright and beautiful day!!! We all deserve it.