I have been on this board since May posting over in Separated but I thought I would just post over here to see if anyone has any advice. I will try and be brief in my summary
My h and I have been married for 2 and a half years and separated for a year now. He got very ill on honeymoon with Chron's disease and spent the first year of our marriage in and out of hospital. The summer that he got better I lost my job and became a little depressed. He got a new job and was out all of the time, fueling my clinginess. It culminated in a conversation initiated me stating that I wasn't happy. A month later he left with little warning.
Over the past year he has been living in his parents flat (which they are never in) and for the first six months would see me once a week but was reluctant to see me more. Then we both went away on separate holidays and during the time he was away I found out he was away with another girl. I confronted him about this and he said they were just 'very good friends'. I then dropped the topic totally. After we came back he came round to the house and said 'he could no longer carry on'. I have very strong suspicions that he had also been on two previous holidays with her one at New Year and another a few weeks before going on the holiday. Before he left me he had also googled her name on our computer. His 'new' friends were all having affairs and fidelity was treated very lightly and they were all having affairs with each other.
This summer I have not broached the topic again and we have had very little contact, other than that initiated by him. I have tried to initiate on 2 occasions but he said no. However, when we do see each other we get on great, really great and he almost complimented me the last time and nearly said I looked nice. The time before we laughed and laughed but he just won't see me (I don't know if this is pressure from the ow?). Lately we have been emailing each other about work stuff and films etc but he has also been asking me to sell the house, and then not doing anything about it - I agreed back in June. The other week he told me he had moved out of his parents flat and it was very clear from Facebook that he had moved in with this same girl. I had a telephone coaching session with a DBing coach and we composed this letter.
Hi H,
I met with (my chairman) and your email really helped me and I got a lot of strength from your advice, thank you.
I got your recent email and I understand that you have moved into the flat and you are not there by yourself. That explains a lot about what has been going on between you and I since you moved out, and while I recognise that it is not the reason we are not together I can see that your efforts have been directed in another place.
However, I do realise it has been a year since you left so it is not surprising that you are moving forward with your life and it gives me a lot to think about. If I am honest with myself I am beginning to really enjoy the male attention that has been coming my way lately so I understand the attraction of a new relationship.
All that being said I understand there is a lot of stuff we need to do with the house. With regards to your offer of seeing estate agents, I am more than happy for you to go ahead and do that.
I am hoping that this clears the air between the two of us so that we can be more straightforward and comfortable with each other and that this doesn't mean that we can't see each other on occasion in a friendly context.
Love
J
My DB coach felt I needed to set some boundaries and reduce guilt. It would also answer the question of how I would react if I 'found out'. I have not heard back from him as yet but then he is always so reluctant to communicate this is not unusual. His answer to everything is to say nothing or say 'I don't know', hence why, since I started DBing I have backed off from asking any questions.
I don't know really what I am asking here... I just wondered if it is normal for the WAS to be so avoidant? Whether this non-communication etc is typical? And do they ever own up?
II don't know really what I am asking here... I just wondered if it is normal for the WAS to be so avoidant? Whether this non-communication etc is typical? And do they ever own up?
Thanks in advance for all your comments.
Hi JCJ! Welcome! I think this is a great forum myself, really wonderful, knowledgeable friends here! Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? I highly recommend doing that if you haven't already. And the boards here are a great source of info; reading other people's threads you find a lot of similarities (almost amazingly so) and from those you can learn what to do (and sometimes what not to do).
Sounds like you are doing a good job. I think you should stop initiating at all and "go dark". Respond to some of the emails, just ones that are necessary, no chatty ones. Business, polite, distantly friendly. Someone posted once on my thread (think it was Kat) treat him like the mailman, and I like that analogy.
Yes, I think it is normal for them to be avoidant, although sometimes my H will suddenly fire off a dozen emails to me too. Wacky and can't figure them out much, illogical, etc. I think when they are deep in A's and "the fog" some people call it that there isn't much you can do really.
My H still is in the fog, think probably an MLC as well as his A. I've heard from others that they do come out of the fog, and they have a great thread in MLC about that (the six stages of MLC) that says it is a process. I think most do, but many times the M is over by then. It's a sad thing. A close family member of mine was doing the MLC/Affair thing 6 or 7 years ago, moved out but then they did reconcile for the past 5 or 6 years, and I've heard of others also. There was a couple in my small town that got divorced a year or 2 ago (the H was having an A) and they recently remarried. So I guess sometimes you can reconcile, and sometimes you don't. Karen
To be honest it is not difficult for me to go dark, he never talks to me and is not forthcoming via email either. He will never initiate. I am fast realising there isn't much I can do other than act with dignity and try to move past the anger and pain he has caused me.
He will have to eventually contact me if he wants to sell the house, which he has made it clear he wants to do. He just won't act on it, just continually ask me if I have thought anymore about it!
I sent my email to my h saying that I knew that he had moved in with another woman 2 weeks ago and I heard nothing. Last night I got a text back from him saying
'Hi, I hope you're ok and (our cat) is too. Just wanted to let you know that I'm not ignoring your email you sent the other day, I've just had a week's holiday so haven't had a chance to reply. I wondered if you could do me a favour though... The finance for the car is in your name currently. Would you be happy to transfer it to my name? If so you just have to write to them telling them that's what you want to do and give them my name and address. Hope that's ok. H.'
I wondered if anyone had any specific advice as I don't know how to respond to that. My feelings are that - he is avoiding the email I sent (in my first post at the top of this thread) and it is insensitive of him to do this. - I know he was on holiday with the other woman (should I ignore this aspect?) - I don't want to transfer anything without know exactly why, I need to protect myself and also he has not given me his new address. - he has not made any moves to do anything about other bills however, he has the car and pays for the finance himself as I do not drive (we bought it two weeks before him moving out for me to learn on).
I could not repsond (which would be a 180) but at the same time I don't want to seem uncooperative and for things to turn ugly.
I wouldn't make any changes like that unless you had legal advice first. I would just want you to protect yourself and be informed. Sorry you are going through all of this.
Keep working on yourself and do what makes you happy in life.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
My advice would be to meet with an attorney. It's high time you came up with some sort of legal arrangement about your finances, and your marriage, in order to protect yourself. Do NOT transfer the car into your husband's name, or do anything else, until you've sought the advice of a good family law attorney.
I would wait a day or two, and then text back to your husband "We will be back in touch regarding this matter." -- nothing else. Let him wonder about the "we."
Definetly do nothing without legal advice. Is the car paid for?if not who does the payments? do you have a car? Do me a favor and take care of you and spend a little money now on a lawyer and safe yourself money on the long run. You can do all this without him knowing you doing all this. You are not saying you dont want the marriage no more you are just taking care of you and making sure tyou do whats best for you. Who is paying the mortgage right now? Those are all questions the lawyer will ask. You can get a temporary divorce agreement saying who pays what and snce he is the one moved out you have the upper hand.
My worry about getting a lawyer is that it will shut down all communication. - of course I still hold out hopes that my h will come to his senses. I could still forgive this at this point but I fully accept that it is highly unlikey that I will get the opportunity to do so.
With regards to the finances my h left over a year ago and he still pays half of all the bills. He has also taken full responsibility for paying for the car as I have no use for it. He has never been unreasonable, he is just non-communicative to the extreme so I have no idea what he wants or is thinking other than he brings up selling the house every few weeks and then does nothing about it. I have no fears that he will screw me financially and if he tries too then I will certainly take steps to protect myself.
I'm just not sure what I am supposed to be doing other than if I start taking formal steps as he will too and I would prefer that we sort it out between the two of us to save money and for it to be more amicable. However Puppy's idea of the text will make him wonder, and it will be doing something different.
You can pay for an hour consultation with a lawyer,without your husband ever knowing.Its only in your best interests when the time does come you know what to do and what not to do.Seems as your husband knows that the house will become n issue once you do get divorced.
You can pay for an hour consultation with a lawyer,without your husband ever knowing.Its only in your best interests when the time does come you know what to do and what not to do.Seems as your husband knows that the house will become n issue once you do get divorced.
What Garry said. GET THE CONSULTATION, and keep it in your own heart and mind for now.
