I know those feelings too. My H used to come home and then leave without any warning. There would be no contact for days. My mind would start to wonder if it was even worth trying. I was to tired and ready to throw in the towel. Then my H would show me little signs and I knew I had to hang on for a while longer.
Upside - I am checking in after a long absence. I've tried to stay away. Some times I think focussing on other people's positive situations made things seem worse for me. Unfortunately nothing seems to work, in the end, I am still mourning the loss of my marriage. I am at the stage where I know that I need to give up. I just still get overwhelmed with memories and the dreams that I had for our future together. It starts that whole cycle of being sad, and then feeling cheated, getting angry and then really sad..............you know. You've been there.
I have not been following the DB rules. Right or wrong. I tried to push my H once again to talk. I told him that I deserved some anwers, that he had to talk to me. I once again got that blank, empty, stare back. I got emotional. He acted as if he was going to hug me as I left, but he was just going through the motions. I left and then almost immediately called him and asked that he at least tell me if THIS was all about me. He said no. I asked if he could see how I thought so. He said yes. I asked if this was about his feelings for OW or confusion about them. He said no. I asked if he could truly say he didn't love me anymore, did not care for me.........he said "to be honest I don't know how I feel about anything right now..........." Funny, nothing positive said, but I felt a little better. I thought if nothing else getting him to admit these things out loud would be good for HIM. Maybe he would hear them and hear how screwed up he was. He followed this a week later by buying new beds and bedding for the kids at his place (only had air mattresses to this point).
When will I learn to give up?? When will I get the message that there is nothing I can say or do to make this better? If you find the answer, to how to stop the hurt, please let me know...................
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Thanks yr. I got signs tonight that my H still wants to work on this...ahhh...it is such crazy making!
Hi di-I am sorry for all that you are going through. One of the DB rules is to stop going down cheeseless tunnels. Your wanting to get answers from your H is a cheeseless tunnel right now. That may eventually change but for now you need to stop pushing. Try as hard are you can to let go for now and eventually you could see big changes in your H. It was hard for me to let go but I did the best I could and I do see lots of changes. I think back to Thanksgiving a year ago. I had no idea what my H was doing that day. This year he says he plans to spend at least part of the day with me and my family. If he shows, it will be another big step.
My H sent me a text early this morning explaining what he did this weekend. Several hours later I called him and with very few words, he knew I wasn't happy about not hearing from him for 3 days. He asked if he could call me later and I told him he didn't need to. He did call me later and told me his trial scheduled to start this week is postponed...he seemed so much less stressed. My H showed up for C...it was a very productive session and seemed to work through a lot of things but only time will tell. My H did say he wants to spend Thanksgiving with me...but he also did say he had invitations to stop by several friend's house...oh well, I am trying to appreciate the momentary postives.
Happy Thanksgiving Upside. What a positive that he said he wants to spend some of the day with you. I know it seems so little since we once occupied their entire day and night, but consider it baby steps.
Glad to hear c was productive.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
Hi na and glam-I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving too. Yes, my H did say last night that he wanted to spend at least some of Thanksgiving with me but this morning he stopped by and he wasn't quite so sure about what he wanted to do. He was talking the possibility of going to out of town to his D's since his trial got postponed. He says he misses his D (understandably) but there is obviously more to it. So, I talked to him about why he seems so uneasy to see my mother. He said he is sure she isn't happy with him. I told him that my mother has made her own mistakes so she understands (she had her own MLC). He acknowledged that but then he said that he hurt her daughter. There was no way that I could disagree with that. I later told him that if we do get back together, he will have to see my mother sometime and that this would be a way to start the healing.
When my H left this morning, he said he would call me later and maybe come by. I didn't hear from him tonight. Funny because last night at C we were talking about how my H didn't contact me for 3 days. He said I could have contacted him and he said he ALWAYS returns text messages. I told him that I don't like to contact him because I want to give him his time and space plus if I do try to contact him and get no reply, my mind starts to wander. So what did I do tonight when I didn't hear from him? I sent him a text asking how work was today. I got no reply.
When my H and I are at C, he talks like he really is trying and he says a lot of what I want to hear. Then there is no follow through...why? If he only knew how this hurts me.
When my H and I are at C, he talks like he really is trying and he says a lot of what I want to hear. Then there is no follow through...why? If he only knew how this hurts me.
I feel like a yo-yo.
Can you bring this up at your next C session? I think it would be a good starting point for a discussion about your needs.
Try not to feel slighted if he bails out of Tgiving. It sounds like it's more about seeing his D and/or not seeing your mom than it is about not spending time with you.
You are both making progress, slow but steady. Try to think positive.
My H ended up texting me at midnight last night telling me he had been feeling sick again. I just feel like he uses it as an excuse for everything. He said we would talk in the morning. He never called so I called him. We ended meeting later for a drink and then joined me and my kids at the movies. After the movie I asked if he decided what he was going to do tomorrow. He said he couldn't decide (he asked if that was wierd) but I can tell by things he was saying that he convincing himself that it is right to fly up to see his D tomorrow. As I was leaving my H said to me "I know you want me to come over tomorrow". I couldn't resist replying "No. I want you to WANT to come over tomorrow." I left it at that.
No matter what I know I have many things to be thankful tomorrow and everyday.
Hi na- I am going to discuss my H's lack of follow through at our next C session. And I do know that if my H isn't with me tomorrow, it isn't about me...but does bother me that he can't man-up and continues to come up with excuses for just about everything.
Hey ba- It is nice to see you posting again. I hope better days are ahead for all of us. Thanks for your encouragement.
Boy it sounds hard, all that you are having to go through... I guess it's true that once things start changing (hopefully for the better and to save your marriage), well, that's when all the hard work comes in. I do think you are doing well, and it's only human to want certain things, after all, no one ever said that love was going to be so hard...cause it's hard work you're doing and you do it gracefully ! xxx
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
