OK I'm with several who have commented... You have given me my 2x4 and now it is my turn.
YES you are letting your H run all over you... Please honey have enough respect for yourself to set boundries and especially for the kids... I know we can't make our H's do anything but we can ask them.
I learned pretty quick from several best friends who came from Divorced parents and once the Dad's left, there mom's didn't hold them accountable, and they cry to this day because they have never had the relationship with their fathers... one thing they said to me, set the standard now with my H and make him accountable. example, could you pick up kids at school today, practice is at 7pm, teacher conference could you be there, when would you like to see your kids for thanksgiving?, this is what we are doing so anytime after this works great for them...
Unfortuately some men will take the easy way out or will not ask for time with the kids but will usually be there if it is asked of them. I went through this b/c my H was Dad of the year.. I thought there is no way I'm going to need to ask him to do anything with his kids... he adores them... WRONG ... b/c they are in selfish land they need a little kick in the butt!!! the weeks I asked nothing of him - not to pick up kids, etc... he offered NOTHING... but when I ask for the most part I get... and my D4 doesn't cry every day when she see's her daddy more... it is a win win for both of them.
How do you and H handle the kids now?? Refresh my memory.. does he get them on the weekends? ( I think you told me he doesn't)
I agree we can not make them do anything but we can ask them, maybe say lets set a schedule for the kids when you'll be with them and when I will. My H and I had to do this too and I find weeks we don't have a plan is when I get disappointed too.... It literally took me until a few weeks ago that my H was not going to be dependable all the time unless I set the stage... I was resentful too... I didn't want to have to ask him to see his own kids... now your H could say no but I bet he'd step up and that would bring him back to reality...
Second, they do lie in order to not hurt our feelings... my H does this as well... they must think we are stupid .... don't take this personally.
Talking about our kids, what is best for them, schedules for you guys is NOT talking about you and him and is not R talk... If you guys were to end up D courts the lawyers and courts would tell him when he sees the kids .. he might as well start living reality as he is on vacation right now having NO responsiblity.
You have been with your H a long long time,,, I can't imagine how I would feel... I am miserable some days and I've only known my H 10yrs and it seems forever. Go back to that young girl that H fell in love with... is there something about her you love and have lost... find her again. LOVE yourself... you are wonderful and deserve the best.
One the C note,,, my C tells me that anything that comes from my heart or my feelings is ok to share with H.. (not begging, or crying) just don't ask him his thoughts or feelings or about OW... So when I shared how him telling me about his trip this weekend with OW how that hurt me he said he honestly didn't know (I'm thinking are you stupid) this was me stating my boundries that I don't want to know what he is doing with OW.
Also I think I've be DBing it so good and acting happy and "as if" that he probably thought -great she is fine with this and moving on... but I got my H to open up that he has cried and is sad too... My C is a MC and solution based and works off Michelles DB and DR books too... so we do talk about 180's etc...
Anyhow, I want you to re-read your post to me... and start telling yourself the same thing.. you are wonderful person, great mom, you didn't ask for this, you don't deserve this, this is all about your H and what he is searching for and looking outside himself for happiness. I'm sooo sorry you will be by yourself tomorrow... I will be thinking of you... please know I'm only sharing my thoughts with you and don't intend for them to be too harsh...
HUGS>>> xoxo
Me: 38/H:40 M:7yrs TG: 10yrs 2Girls: 4yr & 7 month old Bomb 8/22/08 OW/EA/PA 8/23/08 with 25yr old Moved out 9/22/08
