I'm going to repost something that I posted last night over on my thread. It applies to my situation, but I feel parts of it would apply to you as well:
Yes, I do think my wife is coming around a bit. For a long time after the bomb I was going out of my way to support her. Financially, Emotionally and Physically (helping her with problems... even going over to her place and plunging the toilet).
So she had this fantasy life in mind where she was going to live this 'totally free and independent life' and keep me as a best friend forever. Basically it was like being married, except no committment on her part and no sex.
So I kept engaging in R talks with her, trying to <tell> her that D would suck... It never worked. She just kept pushing further and further down the divorce path.
Then one day I 'dropped the rope'. And many people say that is when the LBS gets back 'the power'. It was totally true for me. I stopped helping her. I still listened, if she called me, and validated. But I stopped calling her. When she talked about problems, I stopped volunteering to fix them. I stopped telling her what I was doing in my life. I stopped telling her what the kids did when they were at my house.
When she asked, I told her that I was moving forward with my life, with or without her.
For awhile, she got pretty pissed and kind of crazy. She was pissed because her fantasy was evaporating and I wouldn't play along. But I just ignored all that and pushed onwards. Pretty soon, she gave up and realized that things were going to suck if we were divorced.
Now suddenly things don't look so good for her fantasy life. The last week she has noticably warmed up and has stopped all mention of D. Hmmm...
So I'm not sorry I spent those initial months being very supportive. I feel better knowing that I tried. But after awhile it became obvious that was a cheeseless tunnel.
It's just so basic: Monitor and Adjust.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
So she had this fantasy life in mind where she was going to live this 'totally free and independent life' and keep me as a best friend forever. Basically it was like being married, except no committment on her part and no sex.
I think your C is right on the mark. You are enabling your wife to have a fantasy life. She gets all your support and affection. Yet she gets to have the OM as well.
IMO, you can't let this continue. I think even two days a week is a bit much. IMO, you should go even darker. Drop the rope and distance yourself. Stop supporting her. Let her know that the OM has to go... now.
I know this is very scary. Your petrified that she will be lost if you stop supporting her. I went through the same things. But it's like the old quote from the movie "field of dreams": "If you build it, they will come". It speaks to confidence. Your wife says there is hope. She likes your support and affection. She will want to get this back.
But be aware, if you do this there is a period where the WAS tends to have kind of a temper tantrum. You need to have the disipline to get through that without giving in.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Techguy. Thank you for the input. Sounds very much like my sit. Went to my nurse practioner today and she says the same thing. Go dark. Stop doing all the things I do around the house, yard etc. Drop the dates with her. Start hanging out with new people, male and female. Basic idea is the same, you want what you can't have. That is my hope, that she will see the next months with out me and end up wanting me in some way. A better way than now, as I am just her biotch. Time for her to stop having her cake and eating it too!!!
It will be lonely. Come around the board here and make some friends. Alot of people come around here every day. I personally keep my eyes on about 10 threads.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
funny thing happened tonight. W knew that I was going out tonight, date, seemed ok with it since I told her. When I saw her today dropping off the dogs told her to have a good night and if she wanted text me to say good night and I would text her back. So Im out on the date and W calls to tell me good night! Kinda funny. Told her I was still out and that I should get back to my friend, said thanks for calling. She did sound a bit upset and shocked that I wouldn't talk to her. I love it!!!! Plan B is working already.:) Called my XW to get her take and she agrees that W is realizing she may lose me and was checking up.
Techguy has been a good friend to me on these boards and he has been giving you very good advice. He asked me to visit your thread and I am happy to offer my support, too.
I suggest you consider making a thread in the Newcomers section. That section has much more traffic and people really will try to help you.
You sounded more positive in your last post than in your first few and that is good. The more you can keep up your PMA (positive mental attitude) the better. I will caution you against expecting too much too soon. I am guilty of that quite often and it hurts when things don't always go as you want when you want them to. Just stay the course.
I and some others will be around the boards this weekend, so keep posting. I will check in on you.
Bettou, Techguy. Thanks for the support. I have been more positive lately. I have felt better about who I am and what I want. This past week has kind of been a turning point for me. Finally I feel that I can walk away and be ok. Not that I want to but I need to for my own peace of mind. Working on the R the way I have has caused some health issues, so time to change. I have gotten to the point where I almost resent my W. Keep reminding myself that this is not helpful and that I need to think positive about her. In the past I have wanted to get back together with her fast. Now I don't think that I would for many months as she has some issues that need work as well. I need more time for myself and to become comfortable in my own skin. Gain an identity without her if you will. This is not going to be easy for me. Even though I have started to go out with friends and a few dates, I don't relly enjoy it yet. Time will tell. Her lawyer sent me a letter last week saying the D papers are on the jusges desk and should be signed by the end of the month. It is upsetting to know that it is done. The bright side, I guess, is that she is in her own way working with me somewhat. Would be nice if she would come to her sense's and start loving me again. I can see that she does and the conflict in her about it. As recomended here and by my Psych nurse practitioner, I am done doing things for her at the house. Don't even feel comfortable over there after last week. Can't get past the fact that she tells me if I have sex with anyone its over with us, but she can tramp around. I have told her that as long as we are working on us I would stay sexually faithful to her. Am I being dumb? Or by keeping to my word should it help her build trust? Anyway, back to not doing anything there. I will still be working with the dogs as there are some trials that I need to train for. As for house work, laundry, cooking, yard work, errands for her, fresh flowers each week for the kitchen, I'm done. Will still talk if she wants but other than that I really do not want to be around her. Maybe I'm turning into the WAS. I know this takes a long time and that for the past five months I have been too clingy and pursuing so now this is my plan B. Plan A doesn't work:) always learn the hard way. Should of taken what DB and other books message to heart more. I am at a point now that I think that I can do this. Heres to the rest of my life, W or no W. B
Here is something I try to remember when it feels like things are taking too long: I only started properly applying DB techniques one month ago. H and I have had problems for about one year and he left three months ago, so it's easy to get caught up in thoughts about how long this is taking.
Over on my thread (it's Still Learning in Newcomers - sorry, I have not figured out how to link things)Techguy and I were talking about the importance of staying in the present moment - keeping one's focus in the present moment. It takes some effort to keep out thoughts of the past or future, but it is worth it.
Also, are you getting physical exercise - something aerobic, like running or swimming? It helps. It is distracting, it is good for you, it counts as a GAL activity and you really will feel better afterwards.
I am glad to read you feel like you have the strength to do this - that attitude is most of the battle.
Beth thank you so much for stopping by. I have just fininshed reading your thread and share many of the same feelings. As a firefighter I do need to get some exercise. This has ben my bread and butter GAL. Have, muuch like Techguy, lost 50 lbs since this all started. The exercise is only thing that keeps me going some days. In fact I am in better shape now than I have been in a long time as I am able to push harder. Have even though of taking a kick boxing class just to punch something that won't get me in trouble:) Today, this week, has been hard. May seem small but I have not had contact with W for over 24 hrs now. Huge for me. I knew today would be hard so I stayed up all night at work to sleep most the day today. Maybe not the best coping skill but it worked for the most part. Still have the stupind thoughts of who she is with and what they are doing. I think this will be the hardest to get past, these thoughts. My C has said the same thing Techguy has said about staying in the now. It is hard to do. I tend to paly "movies" in my head of the past, present, and future. Living in the now is not so easy for me. I do catch myself and am able some of the time to talk myself into the now. It going to be a skill I need to work on. Glad everybody had a great Thanksgiving. Hope the rest of the weekend goes by fast and without too much pain. B
