I lose sight of the importance of remaining present in the moment. I get all sad when I imagine a future without H, which is stupid because I cannot possibly know the future.
Hey Beth,
Thought I'd stop in between peeling potatoes and brining the turkey.
Not to be monotonous, that quote is right from the Buddhist playbook. They are 100% about being in the present. That's what a ton of their excercises work on (tonglen and lojong). Every single time I find myself sad, it's because either I was thinking about the past (happier times) or the future (hoping for reconcilliation). Stay in the present and be thankfull. It will do wonders for your spirit.
Gobble Gobble
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Thanks for stopping by again, I hope you are doing well. I like the idea of whole bodies of steel. Seems like that might help us in our endeavors, right?
Techguy,
I am glad you are working so hard on your Thanksgiving meal, I think that was a great decision. I miss cooking. I have not forgotten your advice about the Buddhist philospohy. It is remarkable how comforting staying in the moment can be. That's one of the great things about cooking - it keeps one in the moment.
I hope you both (and all the rest of my pals here) have very nice Thanksgivings. I am off on another run tomorrow morning and then over to my nephew's in the afternoon.
I was talking with my DB coach this week and she said that since I did so well at the first in-person meeting with H and really showed him genuine change and that I am honestly doing okay, that the meeting would probably be meaningful for him and I should expect him to retreat.
(1) Why do they retreat when you show them you are doing well? (2) If they retreat when you show them you are okay and they retreat when you pursue them, how do you ever get them back?
(1) Why do they retreat when you show them you are doing well?
fear, guilt, shame, tons of reasons. they have been hurt for so long, and if the possibility of real change enters their mind, or if they think reconciliation is even possible, they will immediately retreat back behind the wall they have put up to shut you back out, because it is very scary and confusing for them...
Originally Posted By: Bettou
(2) If they retreat when you show them you are okay and they retreat when you pursue them, how do you ever get them back?
that's a stumper i haven't figured out yet either. the closest i have come is that you keep trying and trying and trying and that they will come out of that shell longer and longer and longer each time.
I think they retreat for many reasons. In Freudean (sp?) terms, their Id generates a whole slew of different feelings, they kind of all combine and then the ego just sort of synthesises a behavior.
Some of the reasons were already mentioned. Another one is that they see how good you look, how good you feel. But they know they look terrible. They know how miserable they are. So in some ways the meeting really crystalizes how badly they are doing for them.
People don't want to look bad, especially to people they care about. So they retreat hoping that they can wait and be 'better' the next time they meet.
Now, I know what your thinking! Why don't I show him some vulernability? I'm really not doing that good. He thinks I'm doing good, but it was all a mask. If he knew how bad I was doing then he wouldn't feel bad and we could meet as equals!
Don't go there! At best, you would be trading a short term gain for long-term progress. Long-term, husband <must> see you as positive and attractive. Showing him your weakness doesn't accomplish that. (I.E. 'Look, I'm just as pathetic as you' isn't very appealing).
So how do does this work? It's like reeling in a fish! You reel him in three feet and then he fights back and pulls the line back out a foot. The saga continues, two steps forward, one backwards.
My thread, Carpe Diem #4 Orig Thread: Carpe Diem #1
Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. I like the fishing analogy. When I was a little girl, I used to go fishing with my grandpa. I was never very good at it. I think I was too little and really just playing around. But thanks for sparking that memory.
Also, thanks for the insight. I just got back from my run (penalty for getting mopey)and now that the pity-party has broken up for the time being, what you say makes sense. This is a long project and I have to keep the endgame in sight. Better some minor retreating from H now than permanent retreating in the end because I come across as sad, pathetic and needy.
I know I must stay strong in the face of his unhappiness and fear. That is what makes me attractive to him - it's probably why he is retreating. Like you said, who wants to look bad in front of someone they care about, particularly when the other person looks good.
My brother called me from Chicago to see how I am doing and wish me happy T-day. I said I was struggling with whether to call H today to say happy T-day. What if H feels abandoned? My brother very kindly but very firmly reminded me that H left me and if he feels abandoned he'll have to address that himself. Made me feel much better.
So, thanks again Techguy! How's the cooking going?
{{Beth}} Sounds like a smart brother you have there! I like the fishing philosophy too..I guess it makes sense when you look at it like that..and supposedly they will want to be around "the happy us" more and more once they realize they left their shell down longer each time and we didn't ransack them when they did..
Hope you are having a good day my friend!!
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
Well at least I could use it!