Bettou, Techguy. Thanks for the support. I have been more positive lately. I have felt better about who I am and what I want. This past week has kind of been a turning point for me. Finally I feel that I can walk away and be ok. Not that I want to but I need to for my own peace of mind. Working on the R the way I have has caused some health issues, so time to change. I have gotten to the point where I almost resent my W. Keep reminding myself that this is not helpful and that I need to think positive about her. In the past I have wanted to get back together with her fast. Now I don't think that I would for many months as she has some issues that need work as well. I need more time for myself and to become comfortable in my own skin. Gain an identity without her if you will. This is not going to be easy for me. Even though I have started to go out with friends and a few dates, I don't relly enjoy it yet. Time will tell. Her lawyer sent me a letter last week saying the D papers are on the jusges desk and should be signed by the end of the month. It is upsetting to know that it is done. The bright side, I guess, is that she is in her own way working with me somewhat. Would be nice if she would come to her sense's and start loving me again. I can see that she does and the conflict in her about it. As recomended here and by my Psych nurse practitioner, I am done doing things for her at the house. Don't even feel comfortable over there after last week. Can't get past the fact that she tells me if I have sex with anyone its over with us, but she can tramp around. I have told her that as long as we are working on us I would stay sexually faithful to her. Am I being dumb? Or by keeping to my word should it help her build trust? Anyway, back to not doing anything there. I will still be working with the dogs as there are some trials that I need to train for. As for house work, laundry, cooking, yard work, errands for her, fresh flowers each week for the kitchen, I'm done. Will still talk if she wants but other than that I really do not want to be around her. Maybe I'm turning into the WAS. I know this takes a long time and that for the past five months I have been too clingy and pursuing so now this is my plan B. Plan A doesn't work:) always learn the hard way. Should of taken what DB and other books message to heart more. I am at a point now that I think that I can do this. Heres to the rest of my life, W or no W. B
