The next stage, maybe

[AliSuddenly]

Blimey Lisa... are you on the turn !?? That would be ahock to your H! Thats the ultimate detachment..

Al x

[JCJ]

((((Dan, Ali, T, Lisa, Mishka)))

Wow, it makes me so happy to come here and see that you have all visited me!

I've had a really busy few days. Yesterday it was the Royal visit at the hospital which went REALLY well. Princess Alexandra seemed really interested in everything and visited and ante natal clinic and talked to loads of people around the hospital and then stayed for tea. I had to present her with a gift which was also very exciting. I will post some pics in the alt. universe soon.

Lisa and I had an extra long choir rehearsal in the evening in preparation for the concert so I am looking forward to an early night tonight. Plus h's friend who I met on the train commented on my FB status today and used an 'in joke' that we had created/ discussed on the train which I see as a good thing as h will more than likely see it.

I was debating whether to post this as I am slightly ashamed of my h's behaviour and aware how rubbish it is but I suppose I should as it is h related and you all may have suggestions I haven't thought of. H sent me a text last night which said

'Hi, I hope you're ok and Maple is too. Just wanted to let you know that I'm not ignoring your email you sent the other day, I've just had a week's holiday so haven't had a chance to reply. I wondered if you could do me a favour though... The finance for the car is in your name currently. Would you be happy to transfer it to my name? If so you just have to write to them telling them that's what you want to do and give them my name and address. Hope that's ok. H.'

I know, wtf?? Avoidant, in his own world, rude etc are my thoughts but to deal with the issue there is no reason that I can see why this particular bill needs to be dealt with (well, for some reason it suits him) and I am not going to just transfer the car finance to him without a reason. Also, I don't know his address. Also, I don't find this acceptable as it is insensitive to me (i.e. expecting me to do him favours when he hasn't responded to my email), but I accept this is MLC or life crisis world and he is on his own planet so I am just venting.

I have thought about it and I can see several options, although please let me know if you have anymore ideas.

1. Not replying. This would be a 180 for me. I have never not replied before and I really think it is inappropriate for him to text me about these things - however he won't understand this and I don't want him to think I am being obstructive.

2. I could wait a while longer and see if he emails me and reassess next week. It could 'enforce' a response from him via email as he will start to wonder about me. However it could be negative wonderings which I don't want but responding to it may 'allow' him to defer the email giving him more potential to ignore.

3. Or I can reply and say I would be happy to talk about this if he wants to call/ email /meet so I could get further information from him.

My goal for this is to set clear boundaries

- I am not willing to make important financial decisions over text message and it is not appropriate to contact me in this way, even if he doesn't see it as a big deal.

- If I am signing something over to him I need to know why and what his intentions are. (I have no problem with signing the car over to him as I do not want a claim on it and it is a debt therefore he is welcome to it however I want to make sure nothing is going to come back and bite me later.)

*sigh* luckily I had a brief period of anger but I feel nothing now. Apart from the odd huge sigh. Luckily I am enjoying life at the moment so he doesn't have so much of an effect.

[mishka422]

(((((Julia))))))

I'm glad you and Lisa had a wonderful practice last night and that the royal visit went well. I'll look forward to seeing the pics on your FB.

Regarding your H, I am totally at a loss.

I like that you are trying to maintain clear boundaries. That is SO important.

Can you call the finance company and talk to them about any possible ramifications to you should you sign this debt over to him? Since you are still legally M'd I believe they could still come after you for the amount if he defaults (at least I know in the US they can and do) unless they put some stipulation into the wording of the new contract.

Arm yourself with the information first, then decide how to proceed with the contact/no contact.

That's the best advice I can give right now. I'm sorry I'm not much help, but I am definitely here and in the alt universe to listen any time.

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia...

I'm glad he did send you something, shame it wasnt what you hoped for.

You said "I know, wtf?? Avoidant, in his own world, rude etc are my thoughts"

But he said..."Just wanted to let you know that I'm not ignoring your email you sent the other day, I've just had a week's holiday so haven't had a chance to reply."

Which wasnt rude, quite explanatory and polite in fact? and it implies he is THINKING about it, it warrants a proper reply, not a dashed off reply. He's been away, so didnt get it before his holiday?

I dont understand why the car thing takes precedence over other types of communication, is it that urgent?

Also, I dont see what the issue is with transferring it to him, if you dont want the car anyway and you dont want the debt? You do need to know his address though! Is it that big a deal, to sort the bill out for him? I might have misunderstood you here.

His text was friendly.. I guess, once these guys 'move on' to PA's or OW, or whatever, we are not the main focus, so they dont always reply straight away or even in a way that feels like you are high on their list. I think its sad, but then, maybe he feels tremendous guilt toward you that he has started a new R?

I'd say.. whats your goal? Do you want to be/stay friends? Wait and see if it blows over with ow? There might be a chance for you and him if it does? So whats the point in being angry, be friendly back, capitalise on his contact (not straight away, leave it a while maybe) and make it super easy for him to have contact with you, make him feel comfortable, be the bigger person..if thats what you want (friendship for now).

I dont understand the boundary thing, sorry, unless you are also moving on?

Al x

[maninmotion]

Hi Julia, I think his reply is a big bunch of BS. If he were truly considering your e-mail, he'd have gotten something back to you. I think that he hasn't spent much time considering things at all, but, wants the car in his name. The thing that comes to my mind is that perhaps he wants to get rid of the car and it's easier if the note is in his name.

Did you know he was taking a week off? To me, that speaks volumes.

I think you would do best to take option #3 even if it's not a 180.

Dan's opinionated opinion
Peace

[AliSuddenly]

Yeah.. I agree with option 3, just meet/call/speak to him.. all this emailing/texting does my head in! You never really know whats going on with someone, until you can look into their eyes. And in the case of my ex, you still cant tell even then, as his eyes are dead and unfathomable..

I dont think it would 'blow' your sitch if you just casually, friendly like, ask him to call for a chat about it, or meet for a coffee/drink and a bit of a catch up. Better than texting back! (or ignoring him).

What have you got to lose at this point?

Al x

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Julia, In my sitch when I pushed for a meeting w/my H it gave me a chance to see him & have some R talks. For me after R talks, I felt much better. I atleast had some view of where my M was at. I was terribly tired of the limbo & wanted out of it. My H then decided to file for divorce, & I'm ok w/it. So what is your goal??

If you choose option 3 - I would only have a face to face meeting. If it's that important to him - then he will meet you.

In the UK do they have free divorce consultations? Here in the US they do & I met w/2 lawyers. I just wanted to know all the ramifications, if it did go towards D. Just something to think about.

To me his text was insensitive. Yet under the circumstances, I guess I would have expected it.

This could also give you a chance to talk about other financial matters too.

[MsMelancoly]

Hi Julia, Looking through my mess of Jody notes. My next step after ow email & having a meeting set up w/my H. I was supposed to present myself to my H as mysterious,strong, fun, confident & carefree. There was supposed to be no R talks, as I was supposed to act as if he did have OW. My position was supposed to be his business is his business & mine is mine. I suppose in a nutshell - it's to show him that I had moved on as well.

[Essie]

Hi Julia!

I've just read all your posts! For some reason I hadnt been able to find you. But its great to read your sitch.
I am so so sos ososososos impressed with how you are handling your situation - and your GAL activities! You are amazing. I'm sure you are an inspiration to people in RL who know you, because of your strength and dignity and grace.

I also really wanted to comment on how well you did with meeting H's friend at the train station. Well done you for making him feel comfortable - that is such a big thing, and shows that you are in control of yourself. I'm sure that made a big impression.

Obviously you are the expert in your sitch, and you have done a great job so far... and I dont really get the whole in's and outs of the car finance thing. It seems there is some emotion behind the car finance thing that is not obviously apparent in your post - you seem more upset about it that would be 'normal' given how you've dealt with much harder things.... I think there must be something going on under the surface.

I also think your email to H was wonderful, and that if you are patient something really good will come out of it. Just be patinent, and more patient, and when you cant wait another day longer wait an hour longer!

The longer I do this DB-ing thing the less sure I am about giving advice... But some of my basic principles I stick to and I would like to share with you - but feel free to ignore because you know yourself and H so much better than me.

Basic principle #1 - Keep all interactions happy and fun and light. So respond to his text about the car in a happy fun way. Be someone that he wants to contact, without fear of being blasted or having to deal with an emotional wreck. (I'm sure you're not, but you get the picture!)

You know if it was me and you wanted to set a boundary (although I'm not quite sure I get what you mean by this or if you are in a stage where you can set boundaries) I would put some of the responsibility back to him to sort out the car. I think this is a better way for you to set a 'boundary' that you are not going to clean up his mess for him.

E.g. H - Gosh I've been so busy and I cant see myself having time to sort this out. I'm also a bit confused about what it means. Can you please write the letter for me and I will be happy to sign it and return it to you? Thank you for sorting this out for me, I'm so glad you are so onto it!

I also read about how you are anxious about his email response. I'm sure that you are probably working through this already... but to help you deal with whatever he might end up saying, I think you need to mentally challenge yourself to be ready to accept the absolute worst thing he could possibly say. It will be a bit emotionally draining, but imagine the worst response you can get from him, and then look to see that you would be OK even if he said that. Whenever my emotions are out of control I have to work on accepting the situation - even if I dont like it (and often I dont) I choose to accept that its really happening, and that I will survive it!

(((( Julia )))) P.S I think your H is crazy - you are a beautiful person inside and out and he really really is the one that is missing out on you.

Also for SURE OW is insecure about you, and is trying to mark her terriotry with her FB comments - I've seen it happen in RL with RL friends, and guess what?? The OW never comes off better!

[transformer]

Julia,

thanks for stopping by my thread today So many exciting things happening in your life! Good job hob-nobbing with royals at the hospital!!!

I really enjoyed essie's post to you. I read your big post on how to respond to the weird text about the car, and I am with essie on this one. I am sensing a lot of emotion too... is it mostly that you feel he is treating you cr@p? or is it something else too???

I can see how this, if I were in your situation, would push me to explode or push him--("don't text me unless you have something REALLY NICE TO SAY to me, SCUMBAG!") but I think essie's approach would be more effective in the long run for a) helping your H feel like he can come to you and b) maintaining your dignity.

Big hugs to you, jUlia!! and also, a piece of pumpkin pie!! (NO MINCEMEAT)

love,
T