Well apparently that is no longer an issue. I was sort of "uninvited..."
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I am going to be surrounded by my loving, well-meaning family (about 43 of them at last count) and plastering a fake smile to my face while I die slowly inside. Sounds lovely doesn't it?
Have you come up with an alternate plan?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Oh sure. I am going to stay home, enjoy the peace and quiet, and kill some folks on mob wars.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
It will be, but I expect I will also be a little lonely. In the past, my friend would have Thanksgiving at her house every year, but this year they are living in Pennsylvania.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I love you guys!!! Happy Thanksgiving...and today lets remember what we do have, not what we don't!!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
It has been quite a while since I have had one. H and I talked last week, pleasant 20 min. conversation. Told me the job was not going well, they had put him on a 16 hour a day schedule so that all he was doing was working. I reminded him my birthday had been earlier in the week, he said sh*t and wished me congratulations (his way of saying happy birthday). I asked if I could help w/ his job, he said find him a new one???? I laughed, said what else do you want to do. He, of course, stated there was nothing because all he wanted was law enforcement. I said well what else are you good at, and he laughed, and said "being an a$$hole." I laughed and told him that was true, but I knew that from the day I met him. And reminded him I was still a b!tch...(in the early days, when we were good friends, those were our nicknames for each other...)
At the beginning of the week, the BK attorney called that we needed to sign some modified paperwork. I left him a message, and he called back saying all he heard was "paperwork." He called me, I missed the first call, and called back immediately. I realized the next day that he probably thought I was talking about divorce paperwork, but I did not call to clarify, nor did he. All I can say is that I noticed, even before this realization, that he sounded strangely happy to talk to me.
Wished him a Happy Thanksgivinig. Got nothing back.
He sent me a text this morning saying that he got his own car insurance, and I could take his car off the policy. Okay, that's fine. Called him back, asked about his thanksgiving, and he said he worked all day...what did I expect? I said I figured he might be at least able to have dinner w/ a friend or something, and he said he was too far behind on work and that he was working to get caught up.
It was brief, but I am left in a state of fear and pain because I realize he is doing what he said he would do by separating out the last remaining bills we have together. Somehow, this seems like such a final act. And I am afraid, more so than I have been in a very long time.
I know he is trying to find himself, and that he is trying everything he can to find happiness. Obviously, it is not working. But I am so afraid that he will take that final step and file. I thought I was ready for that, but now I am not so sure. It scares me that I still feel so much in love with him even though it is now almost 15 months that we have been separated. I wonder if I am just in a state of denial (yes I know, I use this word alot and maybe I am reading too many self help books). H is not someone I want to survive, and yet, I don't want to remain in this state of fear and pain anymore either.
I am generally doing very well, great job, lots of perks, good things coming for the future. I am even in a place where, if I met someone I liked, I might consider going to dinner, on a date, to a movie.
But H is always there, in the back of my mind. I still cannot take off my wedding ring on a permanent basis. I have tried, and now, these days, I turn around and put it right back on.
I know there is nothing I can do. I accept that.
Why can't I just accept the fact that he doesn't want to be married to me? I have tried, but I cannot convince myself that this is true. If I get to that point, its like God is telling me to knock it off.
Help...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I don't have much advice to give you as I feel pretty much in the same place. I too am at the stage where if someone came along I would be ready to date and life is good at the mo but h is still there in the background. It is so hard to understand the whole thing.
I know it is no consolation but just think how far we have both come over the past few months and I truly believe that we will not feel this way forever. I know that neither of us know what is going to happen in our situations and we still hope the outcomes will be what we want. I would say though that time has got us this far... it will work it's magic further I think.
You could come meet my crazy family. I'm sure you'd love them and I know they'd love you.