Stage 2.25

[istherehope]

Still nothing new to report. Just have to say that my own mental state still seems pretty fragile. Tonight H was about an hour later than I thought he would be, and I started panicking and thinking he was blowing me off to go drinking with his coworkers and that he was sick of hanging out with me. First there was no reason whatsoever for me to think that. H is not the kind to go out often and drink, and if he did it still wouldn't mean that he didn't like my company and he wasn't even that late... I just panicked because I texted, and he didn't respond, and then I called, and he didn't respond, but 20 minutes later he was home. He was on the train at the time that I tried to contact him and I was once again paranoid.

I wish I would just get over this fear. I even have it when we are having IM conversations, until he says something fun or jokey. Until that point, my heart is racing and I am wondering why he is only talking about business, or being silent etc. I know I need to stop analyzing. I really know that!

Everything is still very good. Every conversation is positive, and random compliments are thrown my way from time to time. Last night H even brought up my friend who I had been staying with in totally normal, casual conversation as if there were nothing weird about it. Also H joined a gym today, one that is on his commute home.

There is still pretty limited physical affection, but I have been kissing him on the forehead when I leave in the morning and he's still in bed, and this seems OK now. When I am standing near him now, if it seems appropriate, I rub his stomach or his back a little bit. This seems to be going over OK now. So inching back towards full-fledged hugs I hope! The other night in bed when he wrapped himself around me was amazing, would love a repeat of this too :).

He's also going out of his way to say thank you for everything that I do. This shows effort, and is a pretty new trait.

OK again I'm rambling. I hope to have a nice update tomorrow.

ITH