It's official.......what now?

[ernest88]

I'm not going to ask CG to help me! No way! I couldn't do that

first off..I'm gonna ask the good lord for a little patience to keep from driving to Atlanta and delivering a 2x4...

I can't believe you would not ask him to come over and help you get XMAS decorations out fo the attic..he would jump at the chance...I'm not saying jump him..I'm saying ask him for help with a heavy box..

and

I don't feel sorry for Gabe..he made his bed,, he can lay in it..I'm sure the brooom loves his new look..

Lord help me...

I don't want to let him ruin my Christmas Mike. I really don't. I just don't know how to change it up so that it doesn't remind me of everything I've lost.

let me now show you what you have gained..so you'll forget about what is missing..

this is now missing

He hated Christmas. He hated decorating. He couldn't stand helping with anything regarding Christmas.

All alone. He wouldn't do any of it - EVER

and broom now gets to experience what you did

he's all happy about helping the broom put up Christmas decorations the day after Thanksgiving.

because Honey..a DAM don't change without help and he ain't getting any help..so he may be acting like he loves it now but I will wager money that this time next year she will be doing it all herself and he will be sitting on that assss watching her..


and this is what you have gained....

I have actually thought about that Mike. I think it would be a good experience for Marc and for me. I have done that before, when I was young, and it was so memorable. I love to give, much more than receiving. That would be a wonderful use of our time and energy to help those who have nothing. I'm going to look and see if there are any churches in our area serving meals to the homeless on Christmas. I do know there is the HUGE one at Turner Field on Christmas day called the Hosea Feed the Hungry dinner. There are thousands there that day. It might be a little too big for Marc to really be able to take any lessons from it. Working on it now.

Regarding Thanksgiving dinner, I have backed my way out of SO much of it this year. I broke down and told my family that there was no way I could cook like I usually do. I can't afford it and I don't have the time. They were just fine with it. YEAH! I did tell them that I would make a cheesecake (not even the pumpkin one I usually do. I'm making a plain cheesecake with a mixed berry compote topping), a squash casserole, and broccoli casserole. I am picking up fruit for a fruit tray for the warehouse.

Yes, you heard right - warehouse! My cousin is the president of a computer parts warehouse and we use it to play games before dinner. We set up a volleyball net, ping pong table, dart board, and several small card tables with various games on them. We do that from 12-5p and then we go back to the house for the meal and more card games.

I thought that if I spelled all that out to you guys I might get excited about it. Still not there but trying really hard!

now what would Gabe have thought about that if you mentioned that to him?? Been all baahhh humbug I bet..Mr. I hate Christmas

now..

good on you...

now go to the alternate universe and send me your address. I need to send you a christmas card + it will make it easier on me when I have to hand deliver that 2x4.

[mishka422]

Mike, I FB'd it to ya!

now what would Gabe have thought about that if you mentioned that to him?? Been all baahhh humbug I bet..Mr. I hate Christmas

He would show up for the family party, stay until we ate and then leave. He never would hang around and have fun with my family. He never wanted to fit in to our world. Sad, really.

I can't believe you would not ask him to come over and help you get XMAS decorations out fo the attic..he would jump at the chance...I'm not saying jump him..I'm saying ask him for help with a heavy box..

I'm just not able to ask for that kind of help from him or anyone outside of my family. I'm a very shy person Mike. I really like hanging out with CG, he's very nice and fun, but asking him to come help me get boxes down from my attic would just be too close to home - literally! There is no way I'm asking him to come to my house. Can't really explain it, just doesn't feel right somehow. That's it, no other reasons, just doesn't feel right.

New traditions. That's what it's going to take for me to make this Christmas a happy one. I like to make Christmas presents much more than buying them. I wonder if I can find something to make that wouldn't cost much to put together. I'm on the job now - hunting for ideas. If anyone has any, feel free to let me know.

In the past I have baked tons of stuff and given it away in pretty little tins or on glass platters. I have used pretty glass jars and filled them with potpourri and covered them with lace doilies with ribbon laced through them to tie them on. I've chrocheted candle covers (lace doilies again - kind of) with pearls dotted throughout to drape over candles when not in use. All of those things were great but they cost a bit to get all the stuff. What other ideas might someone have?

[mishka422]

Funny side note - I had Gabe's car this afternoon since he took my mom to the Dr. in mine. I hadn't driven "the beast" for over a year so it took me a few minutes to get acclimated. I pulled the visor down and all of these papers fell down on my head. Hmmmmm....curiosity hit me (ok, snoopiness but oh well). The envelope I gave Gabe back in January with Marc's school picture in it and a legal document about a credit card bill was up there. Also, the "Dobson letter" I gave him, several papers from when he was working, and a bunch of junk. I reached for the gear shifter on the column and hanging there on it was a hospital bracelet from when the broom had surgery back in June. Yeah, I looked at it, she's 5 months older than me!!!! Her birthday was on 9NOV. The car was dirty, smelled like gasoline (as did Gabe when he came here. I guess working in a gas station will do that!), and was loaded full of crap.

Just funny that he has all that in the car. Why? He's a total packrat!

[mishka422]

Had a GGGGRRRRRRRR moment this morning.

Today is Marc's 14th birthday. I was up early, jumped in the shower and when I opened the door to go across the hall to his room and wish him happy birthday I hear his tm going off. Guess who? Yep, 715a (when he KNOWS Marc isn't up) and Gabe is sending him a happy birthday tm. GRRRRR...he got to tell him happy birthday before I did! I was peeved. I got to hug and kiss him though! So there! HA!

I know, really stupid thing to be ticked about.

I went to WalMart this afternoon at lunch to pick up stuff to make Marc's favorite dinner for tonight. It was packed to the rafters and I found myself in the middle of the toy aisles crying my eyes out because I felt surrounded by Christmas and happy people. It was strange. All I could think about was getting the heck out of there and finding a hole to 'cave' in. Just awful.

My cousin called a few minutes ago and asked what I was doing. Ummmmmm....what else do I do? Work, work, work, oh yeah, work. That's my entire life now. No fun, no quiet time, nothing. Work, eat, sleep (very little of that). I'm so tired that I can't think straight. She started prattling on about how my uncle only wanted pecan pie, not pumpkin. Um, ok....go buy one. That's the problem, she can't find on in any of the stores. I have the ingredients to make one but I didn't offer. I just have no idea when I would do that.

I'm sorry, I'm being a downer again as usual. Shutting up now.

[Kalni]

Happy Birthday to your Marc!!!!!

mish, I had a car accident last year watching families driving around happily, carrying presents and trees etc. And my kids were with me.

It does get better. I love you sweetie!
K

[Reincarnated]

You were still in shock last year, hon...so, this is the first holiday season. It is always hardest for the first one.
Next year, you will be able to look forward to all of the good stuff again. It will be there for you, I promise.
This year, be easy on yourself. Make it a goal to just survive it. Let Marc take some control of the decorating (he won't be as deeply affected as you are) - you'll be amazed at what the kids can do. My tree was up with only the lights for about 2 solid weeks - the ornaments were a last minute thing. I think all of my holiday decorating was done by the 2 kids last year, in large part. I cried on the inside watching how much my boy was able to do, things that X used to handle. But now I am looking forward to it, changing things up in small but fun ways for the 3 of us.

Let go what you can let go of this year. I know that you were already cooking things - a quiet email to a fam member who could spread the word that you just need a break this year might help. You can go one year without "pulling your weight." It is small things like that where family can actually help you out - they want to do something for you, you know.

I know that your time is so constrained....have you tried the hour-get-aways yet? Or even a 1/2 hour? You need it before you burn yourself out!

Here is a link to that book I told you about for Marc:
http://www.amazon.com/Negotiating-Special-Education-Maze-Teachers/dp/0933149727

I know that his education is an added stressor right now. Give me a call and maybe we can brainstorm some ideas....

Hang in, hon. This is the bad times, but it does get better...

[mishka422]

Thanks Donna. I will take a look at that book. I appreciate you taking the time to get that for me.

I haven't been able to have any get-aways at all. No time. No energy. Just barely functioning through my days as it is. Some day maybe.....when I have a complete breakdown and they have to lock me up in a padded cell. I'll get plenty of rest then.

I was supposed to make a cheesecake tonight. Didn't happen. I have to get up at 5:30a anyway to take my mom to dialysis so I may as well do it then. I have to also mix up two casseroles and cut up a bunch of fruit for a tray. Joy.

Gabe took Marc to karate tonight. I had made sure to time dinner to be ready for him when he got home at 7:15p. It was shrimp scampi pasta, Marc's very favorite. The only problem with this is that at 7:35p still no Marc. He had left his cell phone at home so I called Gabe to find out if they were on their way back yet. Gabe told me he had taken him to Wamart to get him "an item for his birthday". I asked, "An item?" and Gabe got all huffy with me and said, "A toy. A stinkin' toy for his birthday." I didn't get mad with him, I just said ok and hung up. He got him some stupid piece of crap toy - the kid is 14! He doesn't need this junk anymore. He needs to grow up! He needs a new coat, sweatshirts, jeans. Not junk. Nothing I can do about it. Gabe has never thought practically in his whole life, I can't expect him to now.

Marc came to ask me if he could take his new toy with him to his dad's on Friday when he goes to stay. I told him he could take it with him but that he was only going for the day and would be home that night. He told me his dad asked him if he wanted to spend the night and he told him yes. Excuse me? I never said he could. No one asked me. Gabe assumes that whatever Marc says he wants is what is going to happen. Now, practically speaking, it would be easier for Marc to just go ahead and spend the night over there since I'm working until 11pm Friday night anyway. The point is, HE DIDN'T ASK ME! WTF????

I have sole custody. This is not his weekend. I gave him the day on Friday because he wanted to do something special with him. I have Friday during the day off but I'm losing that time with him so he can do this special thing with his dad. Now he takes an overnight without asking me. I'm pissed. I want to call and shout at him. I want to scold him. I want to throw the D agreement in his face and tell him that if he's going to be an a$$ then I'll enforce the exact visitation schedule that is in the papers and to he11 with him.

I won't do any of this because it would do no good. Gabe only thinks of himself and doesn't give a rip what his actions do to others. I'm too tired to fight with him about it. I'm sick of all of this with him.

Now I have to go play "happy go lucky Michelle" with my family tomorrow. Plastered smile, dead eyes that no one will notice, and a dead soul that no one will see.

I'm begininning to think I'm just going to drop everything off over at my cousin's and come home to stay. I can't pull this off. My defenses are too crushed to hide well enough. They are all hurting because of the deaths in our family recently, they don't need to have me in the middle of it with my own crappy attitude. They're down enough and don't deserve the crap I bring to the table.

Yeah, that does it, I'm staying home.

[Reincarnated]

Mish, if you are still on, call me....

[Reincarnated]

And if not, please, TALK to someone in your family about this!
Yes, they may be reeling from losing someone themselves, but no one who loves you wants you to suffer.

Holidays are hard. Remember what this holiday and the family gathering are about.

What do you think will be more important for your family tomorrow?

That you are there?
Or that they have cheesecake and fruit delivered?

If they only wanted food, they could have ordered out. That's not what this is about.

Forget the desserts. You will be forgiven. If you really feel badly, stop at a donut shop on the way there and pick up some donut holes. Then, when you have a spare second later this weekend, with no pressure, you and Marc can bake the cheesecake and deliver it to a local shelter or nursing home. Keep some of the fruit and donate the rest, too.

And about Fri....if you wouldn't be home, and Gabe is still interested in his son, let them have the time together. Should he have run it past you first? Of course. Email him that:
"It is good to see you wanting to spend some extra time with Marc; he needs his dad. Just please let me know when you find those opportunities before asking Marc, though, so we can avoid disappointing him - I would hate to have to say no because of prior plans that you aren't aware of."
Also, with Christmas coming up, you can plant the seeds for gifts:
"Marc has been looking for some new clothes for school, so I thought I would give you his sizes before you went shopping, if you would like to get some for him for the holidays. He wears size X and X, and loves ____ and _____. He always loves your gifts." Who knows? Maybe they will have a guy's shopping trip.

Try to stay with email...

[Reincarnated]

You are under a ton of stress, which is making all of this so much harder to deal with. Take it from someone who did get 2 rests the hard way (at least there weren't any padded rooms - they have heavy drugs for that, now!)

If you don't take care of you, you won't be able to take care of Marc or your mom.

Is there a group in your school district for parents of special needs kids? I know we have one, and maybe the school social worker can help. They have a lot of resources to support families, too, when kids' issues affect their education (and I know what happened to his grades). Ask them what is available.

Also, is there a town service that could transport your mom? We have a bus program that provides transportation for free, as long as you make an appt a day or two ahead of time; door to door.

There is too much on your plate right now. You have to delegate some things, tap into resources. YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL!! Two jobs, recent divorce, financially strapped, sick mom, spec services kid, and you had to MAKE 2 desserts and 2 casseroles?!

I am afraid that Marc is going to find you passed out on the floor, seriously. Your body/mind can only take so much, and then it is going to revolt against you.