There is something deeper that she has to discover for herself. I can try to nudge in that direction, but I can't give a full out push. I'm nudging now, before I wasn't!
Just remember, you can't do anything about her, you can do something about YOU. And most C's aren't good at communicating that, like your C telling you that W has deeper issues. I don't understand what that accomplishes. That's obvious.
I prefer what Michelle says, "when one spouse changes, the other will also. It's a law of relationships".
You're "more tolerant of clutter"? Find me a guy who isn't. Seriously. The marriage conference I was at this weekend, he said that most guys would be perfectly content to use their hunting gear as furniture, pack it up, go hunting, come back and set it up. We don't care. All that changes when we get married.
So that, and the general house workload, and the mattress, and the sleep schedule, yes, they're excuses. You're convinced that if you change, she won't, but you won't know unless you try.
I'm excited for you man, you seem to be in a place to try some real DBing stuff here, which will be good for you no matter what happens with her.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
You're "more tolerant of clutter"? Find me a guy who isn't.
Please meet my husband. He hates clutter. He says he can't relax. Me, on the other hand, I'm fine with a bit of clutter. I like a home that looks lived in. A home that looks like a place where children play. Not dirty by any means, but lived in. My husband would be happy living in an operating room (sterile and clean).
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Just wanted to say, my friend, that you took a big step that you were ready for. And I agree that your wife just keeps making excuse after excuse.
So, see what you can change, what you want to change, then see where you wind up.
In the end, she has to make the decision that is best for her and you for you.
All in all, this was a positive step for you.
I hope and pray that you get what you want and that she finds out whatever it is that is keeping her so tightly wound.
You could mention to her that you could get a mattress that requires no money down and then I would let that one rest. Clearly it is not the real issue and I do think pushing it will just get her angry.
You're "more tolerant of clutter"? Find me a guy who isn't.
Please meet my husband. He hates clutter. He says he can't relax. Me, on the other hand, I'm fine with a bit of clutter. I like a home that looks lived in. A home that looks like a place where children play. Not dirty by any means, but lived in. My husband would be happy living in an operating room (sterile and clean).
LOL, I forgot about the OCD husbands...
My W used to say I'd be fine living out of a cardboard box. She's actually right, I don't need much. And I think she's spoiled. Marriage is so fun
I still think taking away these little excuses are a great way to get a W's attention. Maybe she'll start to realize you arent' the problem.
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Hey Jeff! Hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with all your family and their friends coming in.....sounds like you will be putting on quite the spread, as usual!
Great developments happening since letter day....that's a good thing! You don't know where this road will lead, but at least you are moving on down the road!
Take things easy I think...don't push too hard to fast....you've opened the door, now let W walk thru it....
Hugs!
BA
Me:43 H:48 M:24 yrs T: 26 yrs 2 kids ILYNILWYA 8-07 - MOW 9-07 H moved out 8-2-08 Back 8-18-08 Affair continues Back home but not emotionally
(((((naej))))) As far as I can see, I am DBing. I did something different, what I was doing wasn't changing anything! Unstuck is good!
Jon, I'm going to remove the excuses, but slowly. I'm sure there is something deeper, and it is going to take time to get to. If I force her hand too soon, I think that she will rebel. So, I am not going to try to do everything at once. Besides, that would be really hard for me to handle, besides!
(((((bug))))) W's parents house when she was growing up had a museum quality about it. What's funny is that their house now is much more cluttered! Not badly, but more than it was when I saw it before we were married. So, that's what she grew up with, I think.
(((((Donna))))) the room is going to be better this time than last.... more in a bit...
(((((BA))))) Thank you. You know how much I appreciate your support!
So, tonight, Jeff went shopping. I got a memory foam mattress topper (not an real expensive one, but not the cheapest, either) a new bed set (comforter, sheets, pillowcases, shams, ruffle/skirt), a couple new pillows, a laundry basket (I've been piling, in one place, but still a pile) and a little storage cart for my train stuff. The cart is the only thing I've brought in so far, the rest will wait til she is asleep. I'll make up the bed with the new stuff tomorrow. The corner that I didn't get done before will fall into place with the new storage thing, and she is not going to have must room for complaint!
I want to wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving! Even those of you that don't celebrate "our" holiday! I think that despite everything we are all going through, we all have a least one thing to be very thankful for.... all of us! I am very thankful that I've had the privilege of meeting each of you, even in horrid circumstances. I am pretty sure that I would not be doing as well as I am (don't say anything!) if it were not for all of you. There is no way that letter would have ever happened!
I'm also thankful for my family, that S20 got home safe, and that all of us will be together this weekend. Life is good!
Best friend, I am thankful for you, more than you can know!
