True, true...there is no rational response I can muster for making sense to her. I was reading a book that SmartCookie recommended - Sometimes I act crazy - they talk about what they call the SET/UP strategy - of support, empathy and truth...which I remember more as, I, you, us...in that support comes from saying "I" am concerned about her in some way (letting her know I care), empathy is from acknowledging that she ("you") is in pain, etc, and truth refers to the reality of taking care of our child - and doing what it best for him...I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to try out this method of communication - but if she does talk with me again, that's what I'll do...
The strangest experience of reading Sometimes I Act Crazy is how much I find my father in those pages...I've known the man all my life, have known his anger and sadness and incomprehensible attitude...but had no idea that he had/has so many characteristics consistent with a borderline personality disorder...and the parallels between my father and my wife are just eerie sometimes - especially when my sister calls me crying and tells me how he's treated her over the phone - accusing her of things she's never done, belittling her, telling her she's never loved him, never cared about him, telling her that he's never expected to have a daughter like her, breaking her heart - and damaging more and more...
It's horrible to hear my sister cry - and I know she wants to triangulate - get me to involve myself in their drama and talk to our dad about what they're going through - but it's just not my place to fix their issues...all I could do was tell my sister that she empowers him too much and that she has to let go of his anger and not make it her own...but she can't - she's like a crushes little girl when he attacks her (she's a year older than I am...I'm the youngest of three). And I find myself giving my sister the same kind of advice I give myself in dealing with my wife...don't believe what s/she says about you, her attacks come from his/her own core pain and has nothing to do with you - despite how much it can seem like it - despite how smart they are and how much they can manipulate you into feeling like it's your fault, you cannot internalize their reality and let it consume you - when you do, you start to consume the life of those around you - like the children that depend on you...
Just a week after my sister calls me crying about my father's attacks, she tells me that her daughter is having trouble at school...my sister is convinced the trouble stems from a teacher that doesn't know how to deal with her daughter...from my pov, it's a little girl that's already picking up on way too much tension and anxiety from her parents...and they have to protect her...but neither of them knows how. I might recommend my sister read this book...oddly enough, having grown up with a person that presents with BP disorder I've been unexpectedly prepared for dealing with some of my wife's issues...must be part of my unfinished business...and also why I'm so attracted to her...she loves me in a way I've been loved before...and I associate(d) love with being treated in the ways she's treated me for our entire relationship...
My father left the house when I was ten, he was having an affair, and soon got remarried when I was twelve. He called us from Spain, on my birthday, to tell us that he was on his honeymoon with his new wife...I hung up on him...and stopped celebrating my birthday for years. When I hung up on my dad, my mother, sister and brother all got furious with me and told me how cruel I was...and yet I knew they were wrong...because what my father had done was wrong...and yet today, with what I'm going through, he has been one of the most honest, loving, compassionate, caring people I've ever known...and even apologized to me once for how I had inherited the pattern of his life...
He was separated from his second wife for four years --they separated when their baby was 2, ironically enough - during which time I lived alone with him - while I was in high school. During that time he was verbally and emotionally abusive to a brutal extent...and I learned to live through it by reminding myself that this man, despite his brilliance and respect as a professional, was wrong about me...when he would accuse me of being a bad, immoral and even stupid person...
As human beings we have a remarkable capacity to love and to forgive...I'm turning to that capacity in me now to love my wife, forgive her and let her go...I only wish it were not so very painful...
