I AM That Rock

[Silent Chrleader]

Hi, {{{{{{SMW}}}}}}.

I so feel for you with your D9. If your H doesn't come to terms with the idea that she has a legitimate mental handicap it can have devastating results as she goes through her teenage years.

My H is very much a black/white person and doesn't deal well with the "grey" areas of humanity, and as our D grew up we always tried to deal with her as if she were "normal". We figured and were told that the world is still the world and she needs to learn to live in it. We struggled constantly with how much is "willful" and how much is "handicap", because these are very intelligent children and they will learn to manipulate! I always thought H was too harsh. He always thought I was too "wishy-washy".

D had terrible problems in school as time went on, not because she couldn't do the work, but because she was bored with the work so refused to do it, and had no friends for a long time because she was "weird". It got so bad with the bullying and "targeting" at school that we home-schooled her for her 8th & 9th grade years. Our D got to the point where they installed a camera on the bus and had her sit right behind the driver so the other kids wouldn't pick on her. The stories I could tell would bring tears to your eyes really.

Our D was a beautiful smiling baby and little girl. In early years, even when kids thought she was weird, she was oblivious and always just kept bouncing back. Of course we worried and always tried to "fix" everything. Then in high school, she got rebelious (as most teenagers will). She hated us for all the therapy and "trying to fix her" (we had a therapy visits with her weekly for 7+ years). She fought with H ALL the time and our house was a battle ground and I was the mediator.

Our S (6 years younger than D) didn't get the attention he needed because our whole family revolved around D's difficulty. D love S at first like he was her own special play toy, but then in her teen years came to resent S because he didn't have the same problems and H loved him and not her (her perception). Then when D was 17, we found out that she molested S. S told a family friend, thankfully, and we got to call the Police on our own D! Today D says that she did it to punish H, and to get thrown out of the house. D went to live with my mom until she was 18 and then moved on.....We couldn't figure out after years of "therapy", and "being involved", how this could happen. Our C at the time was crushed because she even never saw it coming, and she is still in contact with D24 today.

Today, 7 years later, we've all had therapy surrounding this situation, and have dealt with this as best we can. S17 has probably dealt with it better than us adults! D24 has virtually no relationship with H. She hates him, yet craves his attention and approval. H can hardly stand to be in the same room with her (I think because she represents failure to him). Don't get me wrong. I know without doubt that both H and I did our best with the tools we had at the time and tried very hard to do the right thing and be good parents. I believe that without H's high expectations of D, she possible would not be as functional as she is today (she is currently in college and wants to be a nurse).

I don't tell you all of this to scare you, really! I just want to illustrate how important these issues can be. If I had it to do over, I would cherish more the innocence my D had early on and spend more time just loving her and accepting her as she is. And make sure that you make good family time with D9 and your other kids together so they don't develop jealousy. [This is very hard because I know there is only so much time in the day.] And, try to help your H understand that a handicap such as this is real! And burying his head can have dire consequences.

Take care, and Happy Thanksgiving!!

And I'm sorry for the lllloooonnnngggggg post......