Very, very excited to read these developments. You're doing a great job! She's giving you a lot of feedback to work on.
1. The mattress, she gave you a clear signal there buddy. Gently see if she'll help you pick one out. Financial stuff can wait. Might be a great shock and awe, show her you really want her back in the room.
2. Sleeping hours, right there with ya from one night owl to another. Man, that was really hard in marriage. How amazing of a 180 would it be if you changed that for a bit? See what happens? Really, what do you have to lose?
We're all pulling for you!
(((Jeff)))
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
I know everyone thinks she wants me to get a mattress! But, I've said, let's get one, and she says NO, not until there is no CC debt at all. She means it.
I am going to try to twist my schedule a bit. Not easy.
I know everyone thinks she wants me to get a mattress! But, I've said, let's get one, and she says NO, not until there is no CC debt at all. She means it.
I am going to try to twist my schedule a bit. Not easy.
Sounds like a tough impasse on the CC, just keep feeling her out on it. And it sound like this schedule issue has been a long-standing problem in your marriage, from her "I adjusted before, and regretted it" comment. I think it's worth a try.
My perspective from reading this is that she's opening herself up to you a bit. She's still acting like there's no hope for change, or that the sitch can get better, because it's risky to get hurt again. Deep inside she's starting to believe IMO.
You're on the right track, keep it up!
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
The mattress is just her excuse. If it was fixed, the schedule would be the excuse. If that was fixed, she would say that she sleeps better alone, or something. It's all excuses so that she doesn't have to figure out what she really wants.
I don't think she thinks they are excuses, to her they are real, I'm sure. But, they are all just a cover for the real, deeper reason, whatever that is. I do need to strip the excuses away to work towards that, eventually. But, I think that if she ever decides to explore the reason, it will be through MC, or more likely IC. If I take away her excuses now, she will feel the pressure, and bolt, I think.
Hey Jeff, sorry, did you think it wasnt so positive ? She doesnt want to be M? I was getting over excited for you! It was sounding better than the rest of the year at least.
Its a shame she wont go for the new mattress, she'd have no excuses left otherwise!
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
(((((Ali))))) It is positive. It's gotten things off of stuck!
She hasn't said that she doesn't want to be M. She said she didn't know what she wanted. But, she doesn't ACT like someone that wants to be M. She also doesn't ACT like someone who wants to be D. I think she was content with things as they were. Now she is going to have to pick one, and commit to it. I don't think she likes that very much.
The mattress is no big deal, she would have another excuse, I guarantee it.
(((((Ali))))) It is positive. It's gotten things off of stuck!
She hasn't said that she doesn't want to be M. She said she didn't know what she wanted. But, she doesn't ACT like someone that wants to be M. She also doesn't ACT like someone who wants to be D. I think she was content with things as they were. Now she is going to have to pick one, and commit to it. I don't think she likes that very much.
The mattress is no big deal, she would have another excuse, I guarantee it.
There is something deeper that she has to discover for herself. I can try to nudge in that direction, but I can't give a full out push. I'm nudging now, before I wasn't!
Jeff I am glad you are being realistic. I do think the letter was perhaps more for you than her. Well in the sense of saving the marriage-yes that is the goal, a goal at least but you needed to get out of the limboland you placed yourself in to some degree. This is were DBing sometimes lets us down. Yet we are encouraged to GAL, move ahead but sometimes we concentrate on the DBing to the extent we loose ourselves. Maybe its a pride thing but the letter has done you good and it shows. Whether or not your wife gets over her hang ups remains to be seen. I am on the fence on this one but I do know you will be fine whatever. It has as you said got you/ her unstuck thats a positive.
