Trixi aka "The Pitbull who can't let go"

[NikB]

Hey Trixi - sorry I didn't get back right away! Been a crazy week. I'm supposed to be cooking and cleaning right now but I took an hour to drink some tea and read a magazine, and now post real quick. Feels good to do something relaxing!

Anyway... as to your question I have been doing a LOT of thinking. Lots of time awake at night staring at the ceiling going "What now?" I think it's all been mulling around in my subconscious for awhile and OT's post caused it to finally come to the forefront. All I can say at the moment is I am sooooo confused about what I want. I see exactly where her fear of the MLC issue was coming from, too. If I think about it too hard, I can see it coming. I'm glad to have some sort of "early warning" so I can hopefully avert it though.

I had an hour or so the other night that H was home and hung out with me in the kitchen while I was cooking and I literally felt like we had nothing in common, nothing to talk about but small talk. It was very strange. I wonder if it's how the WAW feels very early on - just starts feeling empty? Ever since then H has been knocking himself out doing 180s and pointing them out to me... helping around the house more, making it a point to call me more, doing a lot of work around the house without me even asking... even without any sort of "bomb." Just odd all the way around, really. I definitely think something "big" needs to happen, just having a struggle figuring out what that looks like. I got so used to living day to day and week to week I forgot how to really look to the longer term future is kinda what it feels like.

Which is actually part of why I haven't posted much to my thread lately... I don't know what to post! Then again I seem to have found a lot to say while hijacking your thread... haha. Sorry for the long winded answer!

Back to you...

Wow, that stuff with SS does sound really rough. I didn't realize you were that close with him as a "Mom" figure - for some reason I was thinking he was already older and not living at home by the time you met your H. I think you're really right on in that you feel some responsibility but you can't do a whole lot with it. I think the al-anon meeting is a great idea. This falls under the "things you can't control" category, but there may be things that you can do to help even without having control.

And, the ultimate irony: because of my H's rebellious frame of mind, having the in-laws warm up to me will probably make him NOT be warm towards me.

Careful! Sometimes these expectations or assumptions become self-fulfilling because you change how you're acting based on what you think will happen.

Now that I am thinking about it; I just hope he happens to hook up with a counselor that is pro-marriage.

I see where you're coming from, definitely, but a good counselor for your SS is going to focus on HIM, not on your M. I really can't see a counselor saying "Get back together with your W and SS's problems will be solved" - especially since it sounds like he's had problems for a lonnnng time now - they aren't all that directly related to the R/M sitch. I definitely hope they find a good counselor, though.

I'm so glad to hear he softened up towards the end of the conversation. I hope he really DID take things to heart instead of just saying the words.

He's said all along he wants you to be stronger (I think it's one of the few things he's actually been CONSISTENT on?) - I bet what you said about talking to his Mom showed him a strength that he's been looking for.

((Trixi))

Hope things are going better with SS.

I'll probably check in before then but just in case I don't - Happy Thanksgiving!!