The results are in...Dust myself off & start again

[Treese]

Morning all....

Well....more hurdles.....I was talking to D16 yesterday after school....told her I was hanging out with friends, one being a male..we are friends but you know kids....the reason I told her is because we were with people who have kids who know my D...I wanted to be honest with her and not have her surprised by it....she looked at me and said, "are you dating"...I said, "No".. and so it began...
I explained that I will always love her dad...he has my heart but he is happy right now with OW...she said, "mom, he's not happy"...I said, "he told me he is"..she said, "I don't care what he says, he's not happy"...I said, well, the only thing he told me he wasnt' happy about was his relationship with his kids..she said, "exactly...he's not happy"...I said, "some day he'll fall...she said, "he already did". I told her he will always have my heart...after all it's been 30 years but I can't cry anymore, it's time for me to move on with my life...I'm 44 years old and my life isnt over....that I love my children more than anything in the world...I would never hurt them...I just want to be honest....I said, "I want to be happy, isnt that what you said you wanted for me".."she said, I've always said that mom"....she asked, "are you going to get married again".. wow,."D, I have not plans to ever get married again...I'm not divorced yet"...it takes A lot of money to get divorced but it looks like my life with your dad has come to an end...If I could change it I would but I can't.."she said, "is dad getting married"..I said, "I can't answer that"..what's going to happen to us mom"...Well, D...we are going to start new traditions, make new memories, we will stick together, the tatoo I had done is of Lilies...they mean new beginnings....will I ever get married again...I don't know D....I cant say never...I know when I am with my friends they make me laugh....I have fun...I need that in my life...I told her I waited for dad for 2 years, even before she even knew..she said, "I know, you lied about that"..I said, "I was protecting you cause I thought there wasn't anything that your dad and I couldn't get through"..I gave it 150% and loved her dad through it all..took all the crap...listened to the vomit he threw at me, but she doesn't know that..
.I told her I want her to go be a kid, have fun...and then grow up and be happy....I want my children to be happy...she seemed okay with it....but it was very quiet....

I dropped them off and went to the grocery...when I came back my house was spotless...trash was out, etc...I thought that was her way of saying its all okay....but this morning she went straight to a teacher I work with and told her what was going on...I didn't want people I work with knowing too much...rumors just start and I can't deal with that...its hard enough right now with the child....I've been crying...I feel like I've let everyone down...like I didn't try hard enough to save my marriage...I did....I still am....it's just I have to LIVE....I can't sit and cry anymore...it's time to move on...

I talked to my mom after that and I told her everything I told D..she said if it makes you happy then you should do it...she also told me that H wasn't going to OW for Thanksgiving..she knows this because she is best friends with H's mom...I told her I didn't want to know....I'm sure he will see her at some point.my mom said MIL cried about me yesterday because I never call her...but I can't, I don't feel like part of their family any longer..I'm sorry but I can't..so my SIL who is very close to me has decided not to have Thanksgiving..MIL is angry with all her children..it's on then its off..SIL asked H what he was doing on Thanksgiving and he said he's going wherever his mom goes..MIL said, then it's bologna sandwiches.

My D21 will be here tonight but not spending Thanksgiving with me but going to her BF's side...that's okay, I understand...she doesnt want to be home and she's never done that...she will be home later in the day and I said then we can watch movies...so the evening will be interesting...since H hasn't asked to see the kids, or take son...I don't know what he plans...he has never once ASKED if he could take them...I've always had to ask him..OH What a mess......H hasn't talked to son since Saturday.

Help everyone....I'm at a loss....