For the Guy with Kids and a WW Vinte (20)

[hopeful4her]

I'm home tonight. Cleaning up the house and doing some spot cleaning on my carpet. Didn't get a chance to yesterday.

I called my girls tonight. The wife answered the apartment phone. Haven't spoken to her since Sunday. I asked how they were doing and she tells me that she just got D7 out of the shower and that D11 was looking for a snack. Being taken by surprise with her answering the phone, I didn't really know what to say. I just asked what time she thought she wanted to come over to the house tomorrow.

"Ohhh, I don't know. I'm going to spend most of the day delivering tamales."

Okayyy. Did she sell 15 or 20 dozen or something?

I say ok, and she asks me if I want to talk to the girls and I say yes, please.

Talked to 'em both, but they were both distracted by a movie that was on. We talked some and found out they went out to a restaurant last night. I hope it was just them, but I didn't ask them. I told them I missed them and that we'll have fun tomorrow, when they come over.

I need to plan what I'll make for dinner tomorrow night. Get some more wine and get some movies.

We'll see how things go. I'm already uncomfortable. Wonder if she'll automatically take the sofa? I suppose she will.

As far as I'm concerned, even if I get her liquored up, she's sleeping on the sofa.

I'm not THAT easy.

[kat727]

Ha, ha, ha!

Too funny.

kat

[hopeful4her]

Side note.

On the way home tonight, I kept thinking about what the wife has put me through. Thought back two years ago, when it all started.

As far as I can tell, she has had THIS affair, which started as an EA. I busted her texting some things to another guy before that. Someone she met through her office at the time. He had done the EGF that she worked with SEVERAL times. Christmas time two years ago, I found the texts talking about how she couldn't stop thinking about his lips, and how they taste and him back to her, how he should have gone to the door and locked it, type of stuff.

When I confronted her about it, she told me she had given him a simple kiss when he had given her a Christmas gift and they were just playing around with the texts. She said it was nothing. I took her word for it, but was still angry enough to call the guy the next day and threaten him to stop the messaging. All he could say was ok. She found out that I called him a couple days later and told me how embarrassed she was that I did that.

Then last year, when I found out about this current guy, snooping and finding emails to ANOTHER guy she met on the internet. Him and her talking about having to take cold showers after their last conversation. Another that said to him how she missed his lips and that they were all she could think about and others about possible meets when he comes into town again. Her "cowboy".

I know of two others that I could not find "evidence" of actual meets, but emails about the possibilities of it.

When she was sick last year and in the rehab, she was "honest" with me and told how OM had been visiting her, too. They were "friends". He texted her once while I was there with her. He told her that he wished her and her family a happy Thanksgiving. My face showed my anger.

"I can't believe how jealous you are of him" is what she told me. Always trying to play it off. Two weeks later, the truth was coming out more.

I can't believe I keep trying. Why do I want to be with someone who has done this? As deep as she has gotten with this OM, I had almost forgotten about these other MFer's.

This is what I'm supposed to live with? This is the woman that I want?

I just don't know. That night that we talked for a long time, when she found out how I texted OM a month ago, she said how she repented for what she had done. And that made it all right. In her mind, at least.

She had repented.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'm not saying she can't have, say, a spiritual epiphany, H4H, but your wife certainly sounds like a serial adulterer, or something very close to it.

And I see nothing from her that indicates that she's aware that she even has a problem.

The problem with a person like this is that they will ALWAYS find someone "better," someone "more exciting." Unless they can address the root causes of their unhappiness and dissatisfaction, you'll forever be looking over your shoulder, IMHO.

Puppy

[kat727]

I am with Puppy on this one. I am pretty sure that is what my ex was doing. Found out after he filed that my dad had been told by 2 different people that they saw him out with someone and there was no doubt they were together. I know of 2 affairs and sometimes I wonder if he was ever faithful. Who needs that cr@p? And no one deserves it!

And that includes you my friend.

And as a side note he never thought he was doing anything wrong!!!

kat

[hopeful4her]

And THAT, my dear friend, is a big freakin' problem.

She WON'T/HASN'T taken those so important steps to figure herself out. I keep praying for her. Thinking how I could "help" her figure her life out.

Our relationship started with several lies about her life. Major ones. Although I was upset and thought about giving it up in the beginning, I just knew that we were meant for each other. I was something, the stable force, that she never had in her life. She was the passionate soul that I never had in my life.

And here we are now. I will always believe that it WAS God that brought us to each other. He knew that we belonged together.

It was her free will that F'ed it up.

[hopeful4her]

The night that we talked, that I referred to, she finally admitted to me that it wasn't me that was making her unhappy. She said that she had finally figured out that it was HERSELF that was making herself unhappy.

And how happy she was now. Like I said, that was a little over a month ago.

She is still NOT happy with her life and just won't admit it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Troubling, for sure.

I'm sorry this is so hard on you.

[whatdidido]

Holidays bring up memories, good and bad, and when you are going through the crud like this it couldn't be any worse. It's so hard when you know something is meant to be, that something could be so great, and your w is unable to see that. And, you wonder if she ever will.

This is the first Christmas, after about 3 years of bad Christmases, that I will be happy. And, even now, I am dealing with self guilt, especially around other people, since I feel deep down that I don't deserve them to be nice to me because they don't know everything. I'm working on that, though, and my H and I are good, so it's going to be a good one. I told you all of that because I wanted you to know that I was where you were at in some ways. Remember, we were separated, too...and only a few knew.

Being aware, figuring things out in your head, is all good. But "Stinkin Thinkin" won't help you. Don't sabotage your Thanksgiving. Think about who you can talk to, that would understand, that is not a woman. That's who you can lean on. Family, J guy, etc. And, you know you always have us.

I like that you are planning your THanksgiving and putting effort into it. That keeps your mind busy in a good way. Do ths same for Christmas. One thing to think about is how to get across to your w when she is over, that this kind of thing will NOT happen if you are divorced. She got your email you said, so I think she knows. That email was clear, and she continues to call, and remain close to you. Just keep that in mind.

This is so hard for you. I wish we could all be there for you in person. Wouldn't you just loooove me around B? It would be entertaining for sure!

[Sugar and Spice]

That night that we talked for a long time, when she found out how I texted OM a month ago, she said how she repented for what she had done. And that made it all right. In her mind, at least.
She had repented.

She knows better. If you have truly repented then you DON'T KEEP DOING IT. She is looking for you to validate her, don't.

I'm sorry H4H, she is still very messed up, but at least she realizes that its not you, that is a small step, but still a step. Listen to WDID on the holiday thing. I am going to have to do that same thing. If things don't change for me, H is going to have to spend Christmas with his family and my kids w/o me there. He will get what he thought he wanted. Its not to be ugly or vindictive, its about not putting myself through it. I'm talking to my C about it and we'll see what happens.

Have a great Thanksgiving and I'll check in when I get back.