Finally a new wifey thread

[The Wifey]

Sorry I haven't been on much. Budget season is always such a killer. Thankfully I took today off of work to clean and make pies.

The only update I have is that I am not well. My H is still hell-bent on separating and has the idea that I am the one that has to leave (again).

Yesterday he sent me an email about his feelings. He doesn't want to hurt me but says he needs to heal and and be just himself and come to terms with everything. He doesn't want to talk any more, he just wants to live apart and see if we can rebuild from friends.

I decided to just include his email here rather than describe it:

I can't help the way I feel. I've expressed my feelings the best I can and you still chose not to accept my feelings. I want to be friends/family and rebuild our relationship. If it can be...

Right now you are panic and your actions are driving me crazy. At this point I don't want to say much because interpritation is most often different then what I mean to covey.

Also afraid you will do something to hurt yourself.

I love you and always want to be part of your life. We've grown apart. You have ambition for many things I just want to enjoy life after a long days work. I've felt unapreciated and dismissed for so long. I made compromises to do what is right for the family. Now I have to do what is right for me. Learn to live again accept my failures and press on. Be the best parent, son, friend and person I can be. Not what someone else thinks I should be.

When you left 5 years ago you made it clear I couldn't call you NA... As I understood that woman no longer exsisted.

Also you made me think about all the gifts I recieved at school over the last year. 6 roses 2 real 2 paper 2 cholarte, box of legos, radio control car, coffee mug, hugs, shirts, nice comments with sincere appreciation for helping someone. Thank you cards for the tours I give and the advise I give to parents. Bits of encouragement that say I'm a good man that helps people.

I'm tired of talking. I just want peace whereby time to let go of my past mistakes and painful memories. Remember all the good ones.

I'm sorry for everything.

He sent me the email at 9:30 in the morning and I happened to check my personal email in the middle of a budget review. Here I was in the corporate board room, with 5 company VP's trying to keep notes on changes to the budgets we were reviewing and also trying not to cry or throw up.

We got out of our reviews around 4 and I answered his email and then left work a total basket case. I cried my heart out and drove to where he works. I called him and told him I was waiting in the parking lot because it wasn't safe for me to drive home right then by myself.

When he came out I just cried and cried in his arms. It took nearly 30 minutes for me to calm down enough to drive home.

When we got home he held me on the couch while I sobbed and sobbed and told him over and over how much I loved him.

He finally went downstairs to work out and I fell asleep on the couch. When he came back upstairs I woke up and curled up to him while he watched tv.

At bed time I told him I could not sleep alone. He said that just for tonight I could sleep in the same bed. And I actually slept, which I don't normally do unless I take something.

This morning I had a hug at the door before he left, but I think it was more of an "I'm sorry you are hurting" kind of hug than any real affection.

So, I am pretty much empty right now. Only my faith in God is helping me. I believe he cares for me even when my H doesn't.

I really, truly give thanks that I found all of you here. You all really understand.