Where are we?

[jay]

Thanks S2 for your post.

How crazy is that? One depressed person helping another.....I don't get it. Do you think that was just an excuse she was giving you for her talking to this man on line in order to continue her EA with him?

This happened before the bomb. The only additional info I could add was it sounded like he was depressed because his wife was not letting him see their kids. I think my W thought I was not spending enough time with our kids and that helped her connect with him.

Has she ever gone out of town to a conference before? Does she have the type of job that sends people to conferences out of town?

She has gone with one or more of our kid before but we often went as a family. She is self employed and it was a trade conference that was related to what she is doing now but there were other ones that would have been better to attend. She often attends local conferences in the town I work in.

Also, it is addictive and she will spend more and more time on the computer instead of spending with her friends, family, or doing the things she used to do....instead the computer becomes her life.

At one point she told me it had been over a year since she had contact. Once before that she told me she always had him to turn to. I believe my W is not in contact with him anymore.

But I believe my W is addicted to a online multi-player game. Her laptop is the hallway that leads to our bedroom and bathroom. I often pass her and can see whats on her screen. What hurts is seeing her smile and hearing here giggle in response to something in the game when she is not aware that I am paying attention. I often ask her how the game is going and she answers me and she tells me about some of the other players in the game.

I do notice a lot more food burnt in the bottom of pans and have suffered a few overcooked dinners.

Just b/c she doesn't seem to be interested in having sex with you does not mean she doesn't care about getting the attention and amiration of other men.

I would always make sure my hair and make-up looked good b/c I was using the webcam and wanted to look good for my "fan club".

We have no web cams. She does seem to know several men from the game and talks about one a lot and has had lunch with him and his wife on the way back from dropping one of my kids off at university.

For an example, just telling her that you love her is putting pressure on her b/c she knows that you want to hear her say it back to you and she doesn't want to say it.....so just don't go that route for now.

I stopped that soon after the bomb. I have slipped up a couple of times in two years. What do I look for to know when it is ok to say it again?

Living under the same roof and being room mates is difficult but if you can keep a postivie POV then you can see this as your chance to really show her how much you have improved yourself and actually cause her to fall in love with you again.

Tonight is one of those difficult nights. I came home from work and she had a very nice dinner ready. A couple of pans had burn food in the bottom but that doesn't bother me even though I wash the dishes. It was a very good dinner. After dinner she showed me a DVD she just picked up of "It's a wonderful Life" and said she wanted to watch it. We did and as now happens I had tears in my eyes for large parts of the movie. I was emotionally effected by movies before but nothing like I am now. She laid on her back with her feet and arms crossed during the movie. I started out being close to her and touching her shoulder with my head. Once again I slipped and asked her if I was too close. No reply from her. As my tears increased I moved further away. After the movie she said it was a good movie and then said "Good Night" and went to bed. I took the DVD out and turned off the TV and then dealt with the dishes. When I got upstairs the room was dark and I said good night as I slipped into bed. Then the tears really started to flow and I worked hard to keep my breathing quite. I wanted to hold my W but it was just a roommate lying next to me! She was laying on her stomach with her hands under her and her head turned away from me. She has told me she always slept that way but I don't remember that and to me it screams don't touch me. I must have lasted about 5 minutes and then quietly got up and came down to the computer to enter this.

But first, you need to think back about what you were like when she fell in love with you the first time.

Boy that was a long time ago! We shared a hobby and that was how we met. She doesn't seem interested in it any more and I am limited in what I can do in it because of my health. I am trying to become the independent person I was back then. I'm still tying to find the balance between being a good husband/partner and being too independent.

When emotional needs are not met......that is one of the first things that, I believe, causes a S to turn to another person.

But how do you meet your W emotional needs when she has emotionally disconnected and for all appearances does not want me to feed her emotional needs. She says she wants me to support her needs to accomplish what she wants to do with her life now.

Will you take a good long hard look in the mirror and see what changes you need to make about yourself? And, will you do this with the determination that it will be for you (not her) and that it will be to make you the best man you can be and that it will be for the rest of your life and not to just reel her back into your arms?

I know the changes are for me regardless of what she decides to do. I know I was not the loving husband I should have been and hope someday she will let me work on that. For now I am working at being a loving person to the others in my life.

Its getting very late here and I have to go to work tomorrow so I will comment on the rest of your post later.

Thanks sandi2 and take care.