Yesterday was an eye opener to how my h really feels about me... Its really sad and depressing.
~ this is long~ just my journaling~
I expressed to him that I felt that he wasn't meeting my needs emotionally and that his number one thing is work while his family waits in the wings.
He thinks im going through "something" and that im being crazy. Ok, Me???? WTF... Yea I am crazy for putting up with his crap for the last 2 year s (and no I didn't say that) He started getting mad at me and I told him bluntly that he is pushing me away and that one day I just won't be here anymore.... ok im ready for the 2x4's sara...
I know it probably wasn't the right thing to say, but im desperate to get him to understand where im at. I have this party for S2 tomorrow and have tons of stuff still to do, SO he decides to go hunting, which normally I wouldn't care, but this was not the day to do it. Leaving me alone again. I actually did hire someone today for 4 hours to help clean,I didn't have a choice, but it would have been nice for it to be a group effort and for him to be involved.
I told him even when he's here, he's not here. That I am not important to him, unless im fullfilling some need of his. He taking me for granite, and I know this, its how am I going to deal with this.
He's just not involved. I didn't imagine myself with someone who wasn't there emotionally or spirtually with me. Im mad at myself for putting up with this, because I have to face the fact that its always been like this, it just took him to actually have the porn incident happen for me to wake up and stop being in denial that this is not the person I intended to be with forever. I get that marriage isn't perfect, Im been married 17 years and understand it takes work and lots of it, but when can I stop and say, ok things are good, and not have to worry about something he does around the corner, which almost always happend with him.
Do I sacrifice my children's happiness because Im unhappy? Most of the time he isn't here, so the household is playful and good crazy, when he's here, he's good with them most of the time (plays a little too much, so when its time to discipline them they don't take him seriously, which is a problem) they only listen to me when I discipline them.
I have grown this summer is such a different way than expected. I am 10x's more independant than I have been. I always was independant, but this is different. As I have told him I feel like a single parent, then when he comes home, its all about what I didn't do right, and let me talk about work and myself. He needs to be in the spotlight and needs attention so much in this arena, Its wearing me out. I have two other children that didn't ask to be brought into this world and because they are small they just want their mommy and I need to fill their needs. I know he feels left out at times, and I feel bad for that, but my needs aren't getting filled either. The love from your child is different than the love from your spouse.
I am at a cross roads, I love him, but I think day by day I am falling out of love for him, and I can't control it, its just happening. There isn't the compassion or sincerity in him for me, and it probably wasn't there to begin with, I don't know why Im just realizing this now, maybe because Im older, I don't know, Do I want to be alone with him when Im 70, and leave my health and happiness in his hands? The man couldn't even take care of me when I had my miscarriage, or when I was in the hospital. He's been calous to all of these things, how can I love this person.
Im calling on saffie, sara, nc, or doc to please help me understand any of this, Or am I just losing my mind altogether, because according to him I am.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Ok Tal, Sara and WDID are probably going to get on my case but.....
WAY TO GO GIRL.... You have more B@lls than me. GREAT Vent, GREAT letting him know where you are. You know he is thinking about what you said. I noticed Everytime My W see alittle bit that I am at the end she does make small advances... I see nothing wrong with what you said. AND I Feel the same way about gettin Old in this situation. I have seen alot of people die in the last two years that I was close too. The thoought of "If I were to die today, is this where I want to be in life?
Take care of your son's party. You let your H know how you are feeling..You planted the seed.. let see what happens..
Dr Love
Last edited by Dr LOve; 11/22/0804:10 PM.
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
The trip to Disney is coming up soon, isn't it? Send me an email with the dates and other info, and let's find a time to meet.
I think what you feel is normal for a busy, married, mother of two. It's pretty comparable to how I felt when I was pulling away from my H. And it led to the crisis in the marriage. I don't have any 2X4s for you. But you are talking like a WAW, and you need to take ownership of it. Is that who you are? Is that what you want to be?
I'm not saying he's right for his way of being. But I am saying that he is pretty typical (except for the porn incident, that was not what I call typical). But going hunting instead of even thinking of cleaning the house on his day off, yeah, that's what men do. And S2's party is your thing in his mind, not his. I'm glad you hired someone. That's what I would do too. I tried for years to get my husband to help around the house. Finally I realized that he made the money, if he didn't want to help, then I would spend the money to get things done. At first I thought that would motivate him to help. But it didn't. So now I don't feel bad if it costs money to do the things I want done.
I agree with Sara. And I agree with Doc that you said what should have been said. Bravo, lady -- that took guts.
But remember that it takes a while for these kind of relationship facts to begin to sink in with we males. We're not really wired the way you women are, which is both good and bad. As such men tend to not think of the relationship the same way -- we assume the commitment is a "done deal" and that it merely requires each of us fill our respective perceived roles. H assumes that since he is working his butt off to support the family, he has fulfilled his primary obligation in the M. That's his perspective -- and that is underlined by what society also expects for the H's role, right or wrong. Thus it's not an easy thing for H's to grasp that they have additional obligations to support the health of the M.
(Truth be told, W's also tend to have misconceptions about the marital R that they too need to overcome. But that's another topic for discussion.)
I sense that your H is too much like most of us with "testosterone poisoning", slow on the uptake with regards to relationships. You may have to remind him subtly once more that the two of you are drowning here -- if he realizes that what he values most -- what he really values most -- is in honest-to-goodness jeopardy, he might figure out he can no longer bury his head in the sand.
TAL, Slow down and take a deep breath. You have fought too hard for your marriage. I know you don't want to lose it.
I agree with Sara and NC.
Don't beat your head against the wall expecting him to do things you would like him to do as far as chores and child care go. It doesn't sound like he has ever done that, so I think the hired help is the best possible solution. As long as he isn't fussing about it, go with it. I think you both will be happy that way. It doesn't seem you two have much time together, don't spend it fighting.
NC is right men and women are so different. We expect men to be mind readers, and they are not. I think in your case maybe you need to use reverse psychology on him. When he says he wants to go hunting, say "yes, you deserve it, you have worked hard and deserve some downtime to enjoy, that's why I hired the mother's helper". That will be a 180 for you. I think it won't take long before he realizes how hard you work too for the family and start doing things for you also.
Remember that men are the hunters and we are that gatherers and nurturers.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
TAL, Remember that men are the hunters and we are that gatherers and nurturers.
Most definitely, Yoyo. Unfortunately, as I was saying, we men tend to get wrapped up so much in our role as "hunters" we forget the very reason we do so -- out of love for our "gatherer/nurturers" back at the hearth.
First... thank you my friends... from the bottom of my heart.
Things aren't any better. S2 bday party was on sunday the big "3" H sat on the couch the ENTIRE TIME and did not lift a finger to help all DAY. Mind you he didn't work on Saturday he hunted all day. So That just set me off. I was running around like a chicken with my head cut off... nope not one finger.
So I didn't say a word, didn't want to spoil my son't day. But OMG... H was obnoctous all day long... Im completley serious when I say, the clown showed up right and he's got the tv on in back of her (the movie 300 no less) and 3 and 4 year olds are sitting there... I asked him twice to shut the tv off, and he wouldn't until one of my friends went up to him and asked him to shut if off because if her daughter saw it she would have been scared DUHHHHH.. what a f'in jack ass!! I was so mad, then the clown (she was good by the way)) was telling a story about pigs and he referred to me as one... I could have literally beaten the crap out of him right there and then, Im getting mad again just thinking about it.
This is what I had to deal with all day, him making rude comments to me and then my mom etc. He's got serious problems beyond any help.
I had not eaten all day from running around, After everyone left, I finally sat down to eat at 5pm.. and he asked where his was????? I said get your lazy azz up and get it yourself. I ran all day and haven't eaten anything and your asking me to wait on you now??? You've got to be kidding.
I went to bed. Yesterday he went to work thank the lord. I had to go and get my heart holster put on then got to S6 thanksgiving thing, and then to s3 bday party at pre school.
he hasn't stopped with the comments, but then calls me today to see how I made out at the dr.s (which I haven't even gone yet) I said don't bother asking me if you doing it to avoid me being mad.
I know that may have been the wrong thing to say, but I believe ZILCH what he says to me. Yes he makes the money, BUT I cannot do it all, I can't, when he needs me for the business I am there, so is it so hard for him to pop in a waffle for the boys in the morning while im getting them ready???? come on.. thats just plain selfish.
Im just full of anger and emotion these last couple of days, to the point where I just want him to stay away. He will be leaving tonight for upstate to do work, he won't be back til late Wed. night. Which is just what I need right now. He hasn't worked since last Thursday, so there was no reason why he couldn't have helped me out these last couple of days. He only talks to me to say something mean, and I told him ive had enough.
And yes sara, I could easily be the WAW... but I won't because of my children. My S6 was whining this morning, and you know what H says to him, that he sounds like me. WTF.. I said dont talk to him that way, you talking about his mother, whether you beleive that or not keep it to your self. This is what I have to deal with. S6 told him not to talk to me like that... Love that kid.
So I think there is nothing else I can do at this point. I have to deal with this crap until S3 gets into K and then I will look for a full time job. I will just have to come on here and vent what else can I do, Im trapped here, I just have to suck it up until then.
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I am so very sorry. You don't deserve this. Your H has some serious anger issues he needs to deal with -- I know, because so have I. He is being such an idiot -- deep down he can't possibly want to alienate you any further, not really. So WTH is wrong with him?
He's become so emotionally insensitive that he can't see what's happening. His spirit has become so "shut down" that he now steps on yours.
He needs help, for your sake as well as his. That is most obvious. But I fear he just won't see or acknowledge this fact.
I tried talking to him but nothing came of it. Actually you wouldn't beleive what he did before he left. Went looking for our "toys" (because they weren't where they usually are" , and I said "what are you doing" immediate guilt look on his face. They he said what he was doing. To see if I was going to be using them while he is gone...WTF????????????????????? are you kidding me.. I said you don't know me at all!!! Maybe I caught him taking one for somebody else... God I hope not. I don't know what to think.
He says im overly sensative.. blah blah blah...
Hugs me goodbye.. I said ILY.. didn't get one back...
Now im feeling extreme sadness.....
Maybe Im the crazy one..
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Oh wow, TAL I am so sorry. I soooo know the feelings of hurt and anger at your son's party, because of your H's behavior. Something is up. Something. I wish I knew what.
The toy thing is odd. Did he seem like he was 'busted' when you said the immediate look of guilt?
Here's the bottom line:
He is hurting, and hurting you. You are not overly sensitive.
He was extremely selfish and insensitive at your son's party. You were not over reacting.
Something is going on.
I wish I knew what it was, and could wrap you in bubble wrap so you don't get hurt again.
