Thanks for the songs, guys. I am still in a heavy mood....I feel like I just want H to come home tonight so I can tell him how I am feeling. Tell him I can't go through the next several days of playing happy family when he is planning on moving out ASAP...it isn't fair to any of us this way. I am sure he will not like what I have to say but I also know he will not disagree, he knows I am only being honest.
That is one thing I have noticed that makes me think OW is not on the front burner. Up until July he would dispute things I said, blame me, deflect, etc etc
Now when we talk like we did Saturday he says he doesn't blame me for this, he knows I have done more, been more, given more, (yadayadayada) than any woman should ever have to. He sees how I love him, he knows how I feel.
He even admits now that we frequently have good times together, that we CAN get along and have fun (last winter/spring he would have said NO way we could do that)...in fact he had fun with me at dinner a week ago Saturday, when he was planning to tell me he was done, so he couldn't/didn't tell me he was done b/c it confused him that we could enjoy each other...
So tonight he will say he understands why I feel that way, but he doesn't see why it can't wait a few more days (I know, don't assume). I figure Tom from work is headed to St. Louis tomorrow (his wife lives there and he commutes, long story but they do have a good marriage) for the long weekend, so Dan would have a place to crash if he needs it...
Anyway this is a long ramble I am sure. It is just sad to think this chapter of my life is ending. It sounds pretty bleak when you read my summary of H's misdeeds. But that doesn't talk about
*The time he lined my dorm hallway/stairs with balloons for our second anniversary (dating)
*The time he had 20 fraternity brothers drive 90 minutes to serenade me at a restaurant when he proposed
*How he always called from business trips at night and would talk to me, tell me how he missed me...
*The way he bawled after the short-term A he had when Nate was a tiny baby, and he told me he couldn't imagine life without me, Nate and I were "his world"...
*The countless beautiful cards he has given me telling me how he loves me, he builds his dreams around me, and--once we had kids--our family
There have been wonderful moments, or trust me I wouldn't still be here. It is just that in the past 2 years those moments have been fewer and farther between with no indication that will change any time soon.
So, time to rock the boat. Do Something Different. Take my life back...
