I screwed up again

[AnotherNightmare]

Just came back from a seven and a half mile run. It felt good to be out there again, but it also felt depressing how quickly I got out of shape. My heart rate was higher, even though I ran 30-40 sec/mile slower.

After the MC session, I have been thinking a lot about the last 17 years a lot. So many things came to my mind, so I just want to write them down to draw a more complete picture:

When we met almost 19 years ago (we got married after a little less than 2 years), my W had gone through a separation probably 6 months before we met. She had not been married to the guy, but they had been together since middle school for about 9 years with a short interruption. Guess what, the guy had cheated on her. So I kind of picked up the pieces and she was the most loving girl-friend I had had. She always came up with new ideas, we talked a lot about our feelings (all positive of course), and even though she was very creative she always made me feel like I was leading (something I realized only in the last 24 hours). This changed over the next few years. I have no idea if I or what else could have triggered this change. She slowly started the nagging and it felt like she was trying to take control of me. I know I resisted that, and so the vicious circle started spinning, which probably led to our first crisis 11 years ago.
After she gave me the 100,000-Volt electric shock threatening to leave me, to divorce me, she clearly broke some of my resistance. Building that up again certainly took a long time, and then there were the kids for a change, so finally 11 years later we reach the same point again.

I have read a lot of posts. It seems the WAS stories are all very similar, and there is only a handful of cases where no OP is involved. What I have been wondering about is if anybody knows how many of those A with OP end up in a truly happy R? Is there any case at all where a WAS truly finds what s/he is looking for?

I guess I have been thinking too much. One minute I want to force it by threatening her there is a point of no return (whatever that means), then I am thinking of telling her to leave right now, I am thinking about what to negotiate if we actually divorce, but at the end of the day I know this is not my brain thinking, these are hurt feelings that will stand in the way of pulling this M together again.

Anyway, I called my W's sister this morning, but nobody picked up. A few minutes later my W called back. I asked her about her aunt and her mother. She had not visited her mother yet, but everything she said about her aunt unfortunately sounded pretty hopeless. Her voice was friendly and there was no R talk. I passed her on to the kids, until she ended the call. Not sure if this is progress, but at least it does not sound like a step backwards. One of the things the C said was that during these difficult times when death hits a family, it usually triggers some reflection. Unfortunately, it could go either way.

I hope everybody is having a good day.

AN