Ohhh, it even sounds strange to me that she is kind... You need to encourage that a bit. With smiles etc etc. I know, I know... you are...tired! LOL!!! K
I don't think I am a real slob. I am more "clutter tolerant" than she is, but I think slob would be an overstatement. We are different enough in that area that it is a problem. Since it bothers her, and it doesn't bother me. I have gotten better, though there is certainly more room for change.
Get lots of big cupbaords/ shelves/ ceiling high in one part of the house, and make sure you just hide stuff away.. that way, no clutter ! Out of sight, out of mind.
You need storage my man.
Hows things at home now, post LetterGate?
Al x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Oh no, Jeff, we are getting back into my area - clutter busting! To some people, clutter can cause real problems. It makes them feel claustrophobic and tense.
If it isnt an issue for you, but it is for her, why dont you start getting rid of stuff. ITS JUST STUFF, ya know!
MC??!!! WOW! That is GREAT news, Jeff! I also liked her POSITIVE "thank you" for the ice cream and soup!
A little clutter doesn't bother me much either, but it did irritate my H. It was a HUGE problem for him. So my advice...I agree with the ladies. If you don't absolutely need it, GET RID OF IT. If it's a matter of the house not being clean enough, seriously consider hiring some help.
(((((Jeff)))))
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Very interesting.... My question is 'What's working?'. I was going to suggest that you lay on the compliments and thank her and appreciate the tiny baby steps that she is making (even though its probably not enough and it hurts). You know encourage the good behaviour - even mentioning the words marriage counselling is good behaviour that should be recognised. But maybe whats working more is that you are being tougher, and she feels like she cant get away with her bad behaviour?
What do you think is working? (Or doesnt it feel like anything is!)
I wonder if you could plan to do something really nice and special for her this weekend? And could you flirt with her?
Is the house work issue : 'You know the house-work stresses W out, you want to help, but you're not prepared to do all of it just to please her'? How to find that balance of being loving and supporting, but also strong and not allowing her to walk all over you with her controlling nature....
I think the key thing is that: You are a good man. She doesnt have the final say in whether you are a good man or not. And her approval or disapproval of you doing the housework or not doing the housework is not the final say on you! You are a good man and that has to come from within you.
It was interesting to hear you say how you feel like you have some of your power back! Use your power for good Jeff!! (said in the voice of a jedi knight)
(((((Ali))))) I need to get S20 to clean up the stuff he dumped in the garage when he got home, which will make space for what I need to get out there. The other thing I need to do is to get rid of stuff that piles on the desk. A lifelong problem. I collect things that I might want to read later. You know when later comes!
(((((Donna))))) I was pretty brutal about getting rid of stuff on my last go round, for me. But, I think I can get rid of some more. I'm catching on, but I am an old dog! The new tricks don't come easy!
(((((Amy))))) I just might have to do that. Probably after the weekend, though. It might help to motivate me to post pics every week! I'd hate to be embarrassed!
(((((GF))))) So, once again, your H and my W are quite similar!
Yes, I was really taken aback when she said that my offer was "very kind". Part of me says, "Duh, I am your H." On the other hand, it's not something she'd usually say.
(((((Essie))))) I think that what is "working" (which may be a strong word) is that I have scared her. Her security is threatened. FMO says that it is emotional security that is important to women, with my W I am pretty convinced it is financial security. And actually facing the prospect of losing that scares her. I don't sense anything that makes me thing she is concerned about missing me, but the security I offer is another thing entirely.
I think I have noticed her stepping back from her controllingness just a little bit. Though I could be imagining it, at this point, too. And it hasn't been long enough to call it a pattern.
Thanks for your very kind words, sometimes it is easy to forget, when you've been torn down for years!
(((((Michelle))))) I always have a hug for you!
So, last night she again said she wants to sell the house. I think it is really just a way of running away. She says it is too big, but I really don't see that as the problem, though perhaps the yard is too big, to maintain the way she wants it. I'm not opposed to selling it eventually, but not for a couple years at least. I think the real estate market will recover, at least a little bit.
She also mentioned that she will be in our room over the weekend. I told her that I would like her to move back in permanently. She said that she (1) hates the mattress, and (2) is really bothered by getting up much ealier than I do. As far as the mattress goes, she is right, it needs to be replaced. But, I can't buy a new one until the credit cards are completely paid off, probably 6 months, maybe a bit more than that. If I did, it would be like poking an animal with a stick. There's no way she'd sleep on it. So that will have to wait. As far as the second point, I told her that it really doesn't bother me. She said that it bothers her. So, I said that I could adjust my schedule a bit, so that there wasn't that kind of problem. She said that I shouldn't do that, that she had adjusted her schedule to match mine when we were first married, and regretted it. I tried to explain that it really wouldn't be a bad thing if I did, but she didn't want to hear it. So I said maybe there was a compromise to be reached. She seemed to agree with that, we didn't talk any more about it. So, maybe she is thinking that she could sleep in there when she isn't planning to get up early? Weird. I'm thinking that I might try to adjust my schedule now, while she is not sleeping in there. That would take away the excuse, and it wouldn't be because she was in there. Of course, it will be a challenge, I am a bit of a night owl, and she is a bit of an early bird!
So tonight and probably tomorrow night I clean the room. I sounds like she expects to have the guestroom prepared for the guests Wednesday night (they will arrive Thursday) and sleep on the sofa (where she actually claims to sleep the best) that night, and in our room Thursday-Saturday night.
We are going to have Thanksgiving dinner on Saturday, I'm making a list, she and S20 will shop Friday. She is going to cook the turkey, stuffing, and potatoes, I'll make pies and sweet potatoes, and the beans and corn, I think. I expect it will be quite a feed. I also have to figure out what to feed the gang Thursday while she is at work, and Friday as well.
Don't discount the emotional security. It's probably tied into the finances actually, but it's an emotional blanket nonetheless.
Love the plans for thanksgiving.
Perhaps next time she mentions the mattress, agree and ask her when she would like to go shopping for a new one. If she brings up the credit cards, agree but say you can start shopping for a mattress next month and then wait a few months to actually purchase or something along those lines.
Have a good Tuesday.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
