Trust me..I know... Im not even sure I can let myself take him back... He broke my heart. I will always love him...but I have put up such a brick wall around my heart... I dont know.
He is trying...
No contact with her... Quitting smoking... Working out... Cleaned my entire house and did all my laundry yesterday while I was at work... Playing with the kids... Not going out... Keeping a journal... Praying... Being remorseful... Makig ammends with family...
But I just dont know..
As I have had to move on and heal.... I have found myself stronger, more confident and attracted to someone...
Not that it would ever turn into anything with this person..it wont...
But, it has shown me that I can feel again ... and maybe find someone that can be true to me....
But, I feel guilty for not immediately wanting to reconsile... my kids would love to see us back together as a family.
I feel so lost and confused... dont know what to do.
Go to marriagebuilders.com they specifically deal with affairs and have many more resources for those heading toward a reconciliation.
The biggest thing you have to over come is your lack of trust toward your H. He broke it, it is up to him to fix it. (well 99% of it) The stage you find yourself in is the one you dreamed of. It deals with an entirely different set of circumstances than what brought you here initially. Same as before, do your reseach, learn all you can. The big difference is, if your H is serious about coming home, you now have a common goal.
Be honest, be deliberate and communicate your feelings. Learn about reconciling together. Share reading a book on the subject. Set aside one night a week, to talk about his efforts and your efforts. Find common ground and move forward.
Those who survive affairs and keep their marriages together report their marriages evolve into very fulfilling relationships, beyond what was even conceivable prior to all the turmoil.
Hi San - I am so excited and jealous of you all at the same time. I am going through what you went through and am in immense pain. I really want to let go. I struggle through every day. I try to focus on work and kids and it is so hard.
I went silent on H for 3 weeks and then had a meltdown last friday and am back at square one. Trouble is I dont want him to see me needy and nor do I want to be needy.
How do I pick myself up ? It all seems so hard. The tiniest thing sends my imagination reeling. I want not to care.
at the moment each hour seems a struggle, let alone each day.
From someone who lives the divorced life, it is difficult. Especially with kids. The contact with the X never goes away.
I will never tell you what is right or what is wrong and don't think I have to date. All I will say is when faced with choices, specifically ones that involve emotions, reacting to those emotions typically is not a decision made with a clear head.
The other proven point to consider is the easy road is hardly ever the right road. I am not at all discounting what you are feeling, or questioning your thought process regarding your M believe me I've had the same thoughts. What I am saying is you have not given yourself enough time to digest your new surroundings. Meaning you've recently dropped the rope and have found a new sense of calm. What you are experiencing seems almost euphoric compared to where you were only 1 month ago. It is a great feeling, try not to confuse it with any type of constant. When we go through traumatic experiences such as affairs, our senses our peaked. We recognize and notice the slightest little things. We anaylize things to death, we look for the smallest of positive re-enforcment and when those smallest of things appear, it hits us like a wave.
I compare dropping the rope to the largest wave that has hit you since you dicovered the affair. The difference is, this is a good feeling. In the same way the discovery of an affair challenges us emotionally, dropping the rope will also present a challenge. If you can step back and let the dust settle from this change and see where things fall, you will be able to have much greater control over your future choices.
Cloud this with you being attracted to someone else and you stand a good chance of letting your emotions dictate your decisions.
My best advice, don't make any kind of permanent decisions for 3 months. I'm suggesting, no D talk, no new male relationships and please talk to professional, both individually and with your H. As I said before, you are entering a new phase with new challenges. Learn the dynamics of what you are facing. You will be far better prepared to make informed decisions when the time comes.
Your call on what to do. We are not here to judge, just offer experience. In closing, I will simply state, has the advice and counsel we have given been wrong yet?
Everything here makes so much sense...in hindsight, every step of the way could have been so much easier if my heart would have been able to let go.
Many lessons I have learned....and have benefited from.. I have learned the mistakes I made in my marriage and how someday...whether it is my hubby or another man...I will not lose focus as to what is important...
I have learned to live for me.... the house will get cleaned and the kids will be fine..(they actually like to have space!)
Dont get me wrong, I will always love my husband..We have been together for 19+ years. But, I am not sure it is enough anymore.
Would that be fair of me? To him or I ? To stay where I dont know if he can really ever make me happy...
He is going so far out of his way to do stuff for me and improve himself..but at this point in time it seems so insincere due to the fact that after 1 year of me not being important NOW he sees it?
8 months out of the house and 4-5 months secretly getting close to her is hard to close my eyes to.... I envision them together.... cohabitating as a family...makes me ill..
But, I am trying to not make any decisions at this point. He is staying on a friends couch. That cant last forever and our finances will dictate what could happen...
If he needs to rent an apartment, we can never pay that rent and a mortgage....
If we have to forclose our house.... there will be no turning back for me...I will be done...
That will be the last string left holding my pride and dignity... I will not forgive him if we also lose our home. I am already behind on alot of my bills and have grown bitter for him putting us into this financial mess during such hard economic times...
Enough of my babbling for now.
Thanks for the kind words. Dont be envious..just because it is different, it is not necessarily better...not yet.
