Kalni, I love you. I need to be mad, I think, to do this. And I am mad.
Do you want to know my deep dark secret truth?
I am afraid to let myself get mad b/c if I get mad enough and look at this clearly enough, I don't know how I could ever live with him again.
He racked up over $1000 in phone sex bills in the 2 year period before we got married, but we were dating/engaged
He cheated on me in Tokyo with a stripper in '99 (We were married in '97)
He cheated on me for 6 weeks (if not longer, that is all he will own up to) starting when our son was only 4 weeks old. With a woman he had never met that HE approached at a mexican restaurant/bar while out with his work friends. In 2002
He cheated on me for at least 14 months in 2007-2008 and that is only the PA part, not counting the EA part. He exposed me to possible disease and helped OW break up her marriage and her family (she has a then-4-yr-old boy).
He is setting the example for his son (even if S6 doesn't see it) that a dad/husband does these things....
He leans on me now for friendship and support when he wants to, but he also pulls back and does what he wants (staying out all night) when he wants to.
And I am setting the example for my D that it is okay to love and support a man who does these things to you.
And I tell myself that I am being a good Christian woman/wife/mother because I love my husband 'no matter what'.
Guess I know what I need to do. The question becomes when/how. I am thinking sooner than later just don't know the how. I should probably be cool/calm/controlled instead of furious/crying/screaming....
The honest truth is if I let myself see H the way other people who know the story see H, how could I possibly want him close to me? And I guess that is what I am hiding from here.....bc I hate failing, I hate losing, I hate breaking up my family. But I didn't take those steps, did I...
