That is what she did last night. She shuts down and tells me everything is ok...when it is obvious it is not. She is so sensitive that very little comments trigger her to shut down. It feels like I am walking in a minefield. I am paying attention and know a few of them now.
I think it is important that I apologize for offending her, that I did not know what was causing her pain, and that I wished she could talk to me about it. She responded to that by coming out of her room and we continued to talk about our day and D7. We even joked and laughed with each other. It seems to help if I can offer to talk when she shuts down. She can't always tell me what the problem is all about, but knows I care. I'm trying to learn to listen without trying to fix things.
My attitude has changed...I really want to make a safe place (emotionally) for my W and D7.
Once you've clearly gone on record as having apologized for your role in things, I wouldn't overdo it. Better to VALIDATE ("I'm sorry you feel that way" and "I can see how you feel that way" and "I understand") than to APOLOGIZE ("I'm sorry I did thus-and-such").
Puppy, I appreciate your insight, but I don't understand what she is feeling or why. I did not apologize for my role and was not seeking to talk about the R. I wanted her to know I did not intend to cause her pain. My apology was specific to telling her that I did not intend to say anything to cause pain. She understood.
My approach to her shutting down has worked twice in the last two days. When she shuts down, I ask her why and try to offer non-threatening support. This works and she is able to continue talking to me.
Not exactly sure...her business is not doing well and she is having to work part time in a job she does not like. I think she realizes that she will need to close down the business and work full time if she is going to support herself.
We don't have family where we live. We are going to go out for Thanksgiving. She does not like to be around family...hers or mine. We are talking about going out for Thanksgiving dinner. She does not want to go anywhere expensive. We both are more into working out and eating healthy.
As far as me...I've lost 50 lbs and my entire wardrobe is new except my colone...guess I will change that next. My working out over the last year is what got her to work out also, lose weight, and led to this.
That's too bad you are far away from family. Family grounds people. When I was making bad choices, I avoided family because it made me feel guilty and ashamed.
Congratulations on the weight loss. That's a huge amount. Consensus around the DB parts....Aqua di Gio is a goooood cologne. I got my H some for his birthday. When he wears it I just want to be close to him. He said, "I should have gotten this a looooooooooooooooong time ago."
Don't blame yourself, thinking if you hadn't lost weight, this all wouldn't have happened. She made the choice.
I will add you guys to my prayer list. I hope you have a good Thanksgiving.
whatdidido, you are an Angel. Thanks for the tip about the cologne! She normally buys my cologne...it will be a great 180 to wear something else. She will notice.
She told me what time she was going to the MC...good to hear. She sounded like she was looking forward to it.
