So just another journal here. Today has been the most comfortable day, R-wise, that I've had in a really long time. Nothing amazing happened, but there were just lots of little positives.
We went to PC World to look at computers. Once I tried to go and look at things on my own, and H asked me instead to stay with him. He wanted to buy earphones, and was concerned over which ones, kept asking my opinion. I told him he should choose himself, but he really wanted to know what I liked best. We spent a couple of hours looking at PCs and comparing them. There was no talk about now not being the right time to make purchases...instead there was a lot of talk about which features I liked, which he liked etc. Then we ended up buying this external drive which you can put video files on from your computer, then hook up to your TV. There was a lot of talk about our video collection, never having to delete anything etc. This must all sound very geeky...well we are very much both technophiles. The point with all of this detail is that it was as if it was a given that our things are ours jointly. Also we joked around a lot, and H laughed at the jokes I made, and seemed genuinely interested in everything I said...We also even talked about buying an HDTV at some point soon. I guess this is just so significant to me because even though we haven't discussed being together, it is as if we are planning our life together again.
Now we are back home, and as usual H is playing video games (not online ones though)and I am hanging out upstairs. I just feel like we are so close to being in piecing that I can taste it...I guess we have to have a conversation though before I can technically assume that we're piecing? Well either that or H putting his ring back on I guess...
Alright I'm off to cook dinner and do some painting :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
your 2 week trail living situation is almost starting to sound like a marriage I like that you and your H are sharing the little things- like the video games. And also looking at purchases together. I assume he is thinking about some sort of committment you are making together with buying them...?
I do think you have to just wait for him to get to the R subject on his own... As I am with my H. I think that the more positive experiences we can build on, the harder it is for them to turn away... That the old life really is that- in the past and a new future can be started. I do think that it could be a positive to move to a new location and have a fresh start.
I am glad to hear that things are going well on your side. I am heading to my own posts to update now...
Me-36 H-30 T-7yr, M-3yr DivorceBusting Saved my marriage! sep 6-08 to 12-08. Together again, things are good!
Thanks for that. Interestingly the trial living thing hasn't come up in weeks, so I think we have moved on to something better. I am still being extra-cautious though, and probably will be at least through the end of the year, unless H says/does something unquestionably and amazingly positive, e.g. puts his ring on, says he feels like he is in love with me etc. So at this moment in our bedroom it still appears as though he is the only one living here, in some ways. When I was gone, he took over all of the shelves, and his clothes are everywhere. He has more clothes than I do...I have one small spot on one of the shelves, and the rest of my stuff is in closets. Obviously this ultimately isn't a fair situation, but as things are still so tentative, I don't want to bring anything up and ask for additional space. I want to wait until it's clear that we're on solid ground.
Yeah in terms of the shared purchases, I know he knows what they mean. As I'd said on Thursday he made a semi-negative comment about it not being the right time to make a major purchase due to "our situation." This hasn't come up again, and last night we did make a small purchase together. It wasn't insignificant though at nearly 200 Euros. I mention that because I am quite positive that if he didn't think we'd be living together, he wouldn't have wanted us to drop a couple of hundred Euros on something that involves getting files from his computer on a regular basis.
You're also right about the R conversation and him needing to be the one to bring it up. I think you are totally right that the more positives we can build on, the more likely it is that they will want to stay, and for this reason I think the longer we delay the R talk the better, assuming we continue to build only positives...
So I don't have any other news or anything much to journal on at this point. One thing that I have noticed is that when I make dinner, and bring H his dinner downstairs while he is playing video games (in the past I used to pressure him to eat with me), he now comes upstairs to sit with me and eat instead. I am still a little bit surprised when he seeks out my company...Last night we were watching a movie upstairs, and I said I was going to bed. So he said he was too and followed me down. It's just these very little things that get to me in a good way. No ML and there hasn't been in awhile, but he did rub my nose and my ears last night, and in a semi-bold move I kissed his hand while he was doing so. For the first time in awhile, this didn't seem to bother him. Yesterday I also sort of put my hand on his back a couple of times when he was talking, and this went over OK. My next goal is that we start being more physically affectionate. He is a very affectionate person by nature, which is why I am finding the lack of physical affection so strange. While I have to let him take the lead on this, I can make it easier by always sitting very close to him on the couch, leaning in toward him etc. I think I can also keep up the putting my hand on his back and other small things like this.
OK I am headed off to work now. H has classes tonight, so I'm looking forward to sitting in front of the TV with a glass of wine and watching some bad TV :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Maybe this is a question for people who have "made it to the other side," but really when do you start feeling comfortable in your R again if things are improving? Every indication I have gotten for the past 3 weeks has been positive, or at worst neutral, yet I am always jumping to the worst conclusions in my head, even with the mounting positive evidence...
Today H IMd me to ask if I would be working from home any days this week, and followed it up with "I am just thinking".
My heart jumped, and I was so worried as over the last few months him thinking has meant thinking about us, and has led to scary R talks. Turns out he just wanted to know if I'd be home to give a check to our dogwalker. In fact then he followed up to talk about putting the old TV in our room to watch shows in bed, which was a very clear indication that we would be in the bed together. We then went on to talk about the new computer we are buying together etc.
So I know I am not meant to be over analyzing, but for some reason now that we are finally getting back on track in terms of the R, I am more worried than ever. I catch myself thinking about the things that H said to me when he told me he wanted to S, and how much pain I was in. I think about the times where he couldn't stand to be around me, and the empty look in his eyes. I am going to have to let those things go in order to keep moving forward. It's just so hard sometimes. Is it normal that when things start to improve the LBS gets caught up in the past like this? I haven't said a word to H about any of those thoughts and feelings, and I will not do so in the foreseeable future. There seems to be no reason for me to walk on eggshells anymore, but I am anyway. When does this feeling go away?
Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful, ridiculously, deliriously grateful for where I am at. I really am. I just want some idea of when paranoia and fear start to lessen...
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
OK, so still no discussion but I'll take actions over words any day. H got home from classes, and came to bed to read. He ended up reading for a long time, which means that it wasn't until 1230 that we turned the light off. So I didn't really sleep much last night, but that's OK!
At one point I was trying to sleep when the light was still on, and wasn't able to. I opened my eyes to look at what he was doing, and he was staring at me, and said "you have really pretty eyes." Awww. This is just how the old H was, always giving me compliments. At another point, while we still had the light on, he wrapped himself around me and started kissing my face all over. It was so sweet that I almost cried. Really, it is like H is back and that mean alien is gone. He laid with his leg over me for most of the time that he read, and made conversation about some driving trip that it would be fun to take. There was even joking reference to ML, and the fact that this was brought up as something that we do, while sober, while fully awake, was a very good sign.
I am working from home this morning so that I can go in and buy the new computer. I know H has his therapist appointment today and can't get home before the store opens, so I offered to get the computer, without mentioning the therapy...
This morning before H left, he said he'd be online soon. It was so cute the way he seemed to want to keep chatting with me. He also seemed amused by everything I said, again a trait of the old H who always acted as though he was in love with me.
With the purchase of this PC today, I am feeling a lot more confidence in the stability of our R. I know it doesn't seem like much, but to me it represents a lot.
Another thing that's noteworthy, but not just because of my H, is that my half brother (18 years old) just signed up for the Marine Corps; my dad told me yesterday. Politics aside as I have no desire to discuss them here, I am pretty nervous for my little brother. It scares me to think of him, really only a little boy, potentially going off to war. He has delayed start, so won't be going to boot camp until March, which buys some time. He's just such a smart and amazing kid. I hope he will be OK. H did tell me he would congratulate him on Facebook, which means he is acting normal with my family again. I am really glad I never told my dad what was going on or H would never be able to look that side of my family in the eye again. Actually when my dad first met my H, his words to him were "if you hurt her I'll kill you." Typical dad stuff I guess but with my dad there is a sense that it's not an empty threat!
So I'm gushing here. It's a rare crystal clear sunny day in Dublin, and I got paid my bonus today. I am going to buy myself something in addition to the computer, and maybe pick up a special bottle of wine for tonight.
I know we're not out of the woods yet, but I see light and hope now. This situation is literally hundreds of times better than this summer. When I look back on this summer, I really don't know how I made it through. I can hardly bear to look at my posts from that time, and they just bring back a rush of that dark feeling. I hope that, assuming things continue to improve, someday I will be able to look back at this without it tearing me up inside.
OK enough rambling for now. I am going to head out to do some shopping.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thanks so much for your sweet words :). I hope you are having a good day.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thank you so much :). Still loads of work to do, but your support is so great to get!
BTW tonight H came home and we had wine. He wanted to toast (for the first time in months), and said "to you, for going to get the computer today."
I really am feeling the love, even without a direct expression of it. I also asked him if needed to install a certain CD on the new PC (yes, very geeky), and he said "I do if you want me to."
Feels like I am starting to fall in love again...
I hope this lasts! Thanks again for your nice words,
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I like that you and your H are sharing the little things- like the video games. And also looking at purchases together. I assume he is thinking about some sort of committment you are making together with buying them...?