You'd be amazed at the kind of relationships that can build ONLY on the internet, never even meeting, etc. It's powerful and emotional. Even if she gets her "fix" by messaging a guy on the computer, it can be enough to skew her thinking.
She wants out because...? Tell me the reasons she gave you. I'm interested. Have you been doint the 180s/Love Dares?
I agree but right now she has agreed to go to MC only to discus how to communicate better with me regarding D7. She is not back in the M...she wants out.
Then why in the hell would she agree to no-contact? For appearances???
I have been doing the love dares (simple things like make her coffee) but she says that is why she shut down on Saturday. She was afraid I thought she still wanted to stay in the marriage. I approached her last night and she was able to tell me what happened. Since last night she is back to communicating with me. I think I need to back off the love dares...they close her down.
I think our biggest issue is that she cannot communicate with me when she is angry or upset. She stuffs if back down and has let these things build up. She has done this with her best friend(they no longer talk), her mother(they no longer talk), and now with me. I have known this somewhat through our M and have taken great pains to calmly work on anything that does come up. She even agrees it is her problem.
Ok, we don't want to shut her down. My guess is she has not stopped contact otherwise it would be odd for her to not let you show her love in those very small ways.
So what is her reason for not wanting to stay married? What does she say? And what have your responses to that been?
And, like Puppy asked, why would she go no contact if she was leaving you anyway? I'm going to answer my own question and you can tell me if I am right: Because she is afraid you will expose her.?????
Yes, you are right...she did not want anyone to know that she has a OM. She can't even admit it now to me when I confront her. She says it is just conversation.
When I ask about the problem with our marriage she said two things: 1. that I was "moody" and 2. she does not like me to defend myself.
I agree about not her not stopping contact. Nothing else explains what is going on. The issue on Saturday was not all about me.
She also says that she is at fault for not being able to communicate her feelings and she lets resentments build up. My response is that I will work on communication with her but she has her mind made up that she wants out...that MC will not work for her.
She may be going through a MLC and is involved with the OM.
All I can say is that after years of marriage, you can't all of the sudden say that your mind is made up and you want out right NOW. She is undecided still even if she says otherwise.
If she agrees that she was at fault as much as you that is normally the recipe for reconciliation and rebuilding. She is not making sense......
JWM, your W is EXACTLY like my H, they might be twins! The avoidance, her comment about 'moody' and them not wanting to deal with issues, rather just withdraw and disappear. They are so avoidant that anything negative is so threatening to them.
This will take a lot of time to resolve. I think my C is working with my H in this area.
Also, H is pretending he is not seeing OW because he doesn't want to be exposed. I had threatened exposure earlier. So he pretends it's not happening so I would not bring it up and it won't get ugly.
WDID, it doesn't make sense. Their thinking is not logical. They are just trying to protect themselves the best way they can. There is no transparency because they don't want it. They want to keep doors open. All the doors, that's why she hasn't filed right? That's why you still got a chance, JWM!
Look on the bright side, more time is to your benefit.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
PM and Wdid, I agree...nothing makes sense to me. Your right she avoids conflict by withdrawing and not saying anything. The threatened exposure so things won't get ugly is right on track.
Tonight she cooked dinner and asked me about my day. We each talked about our day today. When I asked about her business, She stopped talking and looked like she was angry. I asked her to tell me what was wrong. She started crying and went upstairs to her room. I went upstairs and apologized for anything I said. I told her I wish she could talk to me. She said OK she understood. She came back down and we finished the conversation.
I think the good news is she knows I did not intend to cause any pain and she was able to continue. In the past she would have just shut down.
Wow JWM, sounds like you did great! You handled that situation really well. I will try to keep that attitude in mind when my H acts funny. But you know, when I ask him, he always deny and feel like I can't get anywhere because he doesn't admit to feeling anything. Have you had that situation? How did you handle it?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
